War

The demon within unleashed

I don't know why I did it. I subconsciously reached out my hand and punched myself in the face and watched , disturbingly , with satisfaction as the other me shattered to pieces. The blood dripping from my fingers as a result of this violent attack against myself harmonized with the sound of the shattering mirror, music I had so long craved for, but had never indulge in.

I sat down,panting frantically besides broken pieces of myself , pondering on whether to attempt to glue the pieces together before my family arrived home. God knows how horrified they would be to find even a speck of dust in their illusion of perfection,let alone pieces of shattered mirrors,blood stains and a broken me.As I thought of how disgraceful I had unintentionally been to the family recently,I burst out into uncontrollable laughter to the extent where, ironically, given the current predicament I had found myself in, tears of joy came trickling down my cheeks.

Apparently the inner demon within me found my state of temporary insanity amusing. It was as though, in that moment, I was living a horror movie,but unlike the deceptive movies,the psychopath killer could not be stopped, because he was me.

© 2015 Nicole Radithobolo

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Reviews

Benedict Mdluli

Wow I love love it especially when you say "God knows how horrified they would be to find even a speck of dust in their illusion of perfection,..." This is a wonderful craft and it really indulges one into their own world of inner demons and creates a wide world of consciousness.

Posted 7 Years Ago

Raven's Soul

This is an interesting and rather poignant short story, but I did notice a few errors, that if corrected, could make the story even stronger. For example, "...and watched , disturbingly , with satisfaction as the other me shattered to pieces." The spaces between the comas should be removed so that the sentence looks like this:

"...and watched, disturbingly, with satisfaction as the other me shattered to pieces." (but ignore the ... at the start of the line. I'm just using them to show the start or end of a quote from your work.)

"...music I had so long craved for, but has never indulge myself in." the word "has" should be changed to "had".

"I sat down,panting frantically besides broken pieces of myself , pondering on whether to attempt to glue the pieces together before my family arrived home. God knows how horrified they would be to find even a speck of dust in their illusion of perfection,let alone peieces of shattered mirrors,blood stains and a broken me.As I thought of how disgraceful I had unintentionally been to the family recently,I burst out uncotrolubley in laughter to the extent where,ironically,given the current predicament I had found myself in,tears of joy came trickling down my cheeks."

Let's break this section down.

"I sat down,panting frantically besides broken pieces of myself , pondering on whether to attempt to glue the pieces together before my family arrived home." First of all, let's put of a space between the first coma and the word, "panting". Then remove the space between the word, "myself" and the second coma. So, the whole part should look like:

"I sat down, panting frantically besides broken pieces of myself, pondering on whether to attempt to glue the pieces together before my family arrived home." (Again, as a reminder, please ignore the " and the ... I'm only using them to quote your work.)

And moving on,

"God knows how horrified they would be to find even a speck of dust in their illusion of perfection,let alone peieces of shattered mirrors,blood stains and a broken me.As..." First we need a space between first coma and the word, "let". Then we'll need a space between the second coma and the word, "blood". And, finally, a space between the . and the word, "As".

"God knows how horrified they would be to find even a speck of dust in their illusion of perfection, let alone peieces of shattered mirrors, blood stains and a broken me. As..."

Now to continue:

"As I thought of how disgraceful I had unintentionally been to the family recently,I burst out uncotrolubley in laughter to the extent where,ironically,given the current predicament I had found myself in,tears of joy came trickling down my cheeks."

Okay, this is a bit of a toughie, as it can be written two ways. But first, let's correct the minor errors. The word, "uncotrolubley" is misspelled. It should be spelled as, "uncontrollably". We need a space between the first coma and the word, "I". We need spaces between the second coma and the word, "ironically", and between the third coma and the word, "given", as well as between the fourth coma and the word, "tears". Now to rewrite this so it'll read better and flow easier, you have a wording choice. That is, you can leave the word "laughter" as it is or you can change it to "laughing" and remove the word, "in". Also, the coma between the words, "in" and "tears" should be changed to a semi-colon.

So the whole piece should look something like this:

"As I thought of how disgraceful I had unintentionally been to the family recently, I burst out uncontrollably in laughter to the extent where, ironically, given the current predicament I had found myself in; tears of joy came trickling down my cheeks."

or you could write it like this:

"As I thought of how disgraceful I had unintentionally been to the family recently, I burst out uncontrollably laughing to the extent where, ironically, given the current predicament I had found myself in; tears of joy came trickling down my cheeks."

Now for the last part,

"Apparently the inner demon within me found my state of temporary insanity amusing. It was as though,in that moment,I was living a horror movie,but unlike the deceptive movies,the psychopath killer could not be stopped,because he was me." Well, first we need spaces between the five comas. And this piece can be slightly rewritten to flow smoother as well, but that's up to you.

So, the piece should, at least, look like this:

"Apparently the inner demon within me found my state of temporary insanity amusing. It was as though, in that moment, I was living a horror movie, but unlike the deceptive movies, the psychopath killer could not be stopped, because he was me."

Now the last sentence in your story is a bit of a run on sentence and, in my opinion, could be changed. So here's a suggestion to help this flow smoother:

"Apparently the inner demon within me found my state of temporary insanity amusing. It was as though, in that moment, I was living in a horror movie. Unlike the deceptive movies, though, the psychopath killer couldn't be stopped, because he was me."

Though like I said, changing the final part to what I've suggested is up to you. Other than these few changes, your piece is really rather good and seems to read fairly well, though it does need just a little more polishing. Hope you've found this review helpful and I apologize if I was too harsh in my words and suggestions. Happy writing.

Posted 9 Years Ago

"...and watched, disturbingly, with satisfaction as the other me shattered to pieces." (but ignore the ... at the start of the line. I'm just using them to show the start or end of a quote from your work.)

"...music I had so long craved for, but has never indulge myself in." the word "has" should be changed to "had".

"I sat down,panting frantically besides broken pieces of myself , pondering on whether to attempt to glue the pieces together before my family arrived home. God knows how horrified they would be to find even a speck of dust in their illusion of perfection,let alone peieces of shattered mirrors,blood stains and a broken me.As I thought of how disgraceful I had unintentionally been to the family recently,I burst out  uncotrolubley in laughter to the extent where,ironically,given the current predicament I had found myself in,tears of joy came trickling down my cheeks."

Let's break this section down.

"I sat down,panting frantically besides broken pieces of myself , pondering on whether to attempt to glue the pieces together before my family arrived home." First of all, let's put of a space between the first coma and the word, "panting". Then remove the space between the word, "myself" and the second coma. So, the whole part should look like:

"I sat down, panting frantically besides broken pieces of myself, pondering on whether to attempt to glue the pieces together before my family arrived home." (Again, as a reminder, please ignore the " and the ... I'm only using them to quote your work.)

And moving on,

"God knows how horrified they would be to find even a speck of dust in their illusion of perfection,let alone peieces of shattered mirrors,blood stains and a broken me.As..." First we need a space between first coma and the word, "let". Then we'll need a space between the second coma and the word, "blood". And, finally, a space between the . and the word, "As".

"God knows how horrified they would be to find even a speck of dust in their illusion of perfection, let alone peieces of shattered mirrors, blood stains and a broken me. As..."

Now to continue:

"As I thought of how disgraceful I had unintentionally been to the family recently,I burst out  uncotrolubley in laughter to the extent where,ironically,given the current predicament I had found myself in,tears of joy came trickling down my cheeks."

Okay, this is a bit of a toughie, as it can be written two ways. But first, let's correct the minor errors. The word, "uncotrolubley" is misspelled. It should be spelled as, "uncontrollably". We need a space between the first coma and the word, "I". We need spaces between the second coma and the word, "ironically", and between the third coma and the word, "given", as well as between the fourth coma and the word, "tears". Now to rewrite this so it'll read better and flow easier, you have a wording choice. That is, you can leave the word "laughter" as it is or you can change it to "laughing" and remove the word, "in". Also, the coma between the words, "in" and "tears" should be changed to a semi-colon.

So the whole piece should look something like this:

"As I thought of how disgraceful I had unintentionally been to the family recently, I burst out  uncontrollably in laughter to the extent where, ironically, given the current predicament I had found myself in; tears of joy came trickling down my cheeks."

or you could write it like this:

"As I thought of how disgraceful I had unintentionally been to the family recently, I burst out  uncontrollably laughing to the extent where, ironically, given the current predicament I had found myself in; tears of joy came trickling down my cheeks."

Now for the last part,

"Apparently the inner demon within me found my state of temporary insanity amusing. It was as though,in that moment,I was living a horror movie,but unlike the deceptive movies,the psychopath killer could not be stopped,because he was me." Well, first we need spaces between the five comas. And this piece can be slightly rewritten to flow smoother as well, but that's up to you.

So, the piece should, at least, look like this:

Now the last sentence in your story is a bit of a run on sentence and, in my opinion, could be changed. So here's a suggestion to help this flow smoother:

"Apparently the inner demon within me found my state of temporary insanity amusing. It was as though, in that moment, I was living in a horror movie. Unlike the deceptive movies, though, the psychopath killer couldn't be stopped, because he was me."

Though like I said, changing the final part to what I've suggested is up to you. Other than these few changes, your piece is really rather good and seems to read fairly well, though it does need just a little more polishing. Hope you've found this review helpful and I apologize if I was too harsh in my words and suggestions. Happy writing.

Rating /100

damn this is so good, I absolutely feel your caged heart and mind wanting to smash through existence and be free....

Posted 9 Years Ago

1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

The Black Warrior

Wow, this is very good, powerful and deep, well penned. Congrats! You did a great job!

I loved it!

Posted 9 Years Ago

1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

9 Years Ago

This made my day ! Thank you :)

Chloie Kato

This short story is poetic in nature, which is an interesting technique to use. It captures the internal conflict of the narrator well, and the choice of words were well chosen to express them nicely.

Posted 9 Years Ago

1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

9 Years Ago

Coming from such a excellent writer as yourself, I'm honoured

Zeitgeist Manifesto

Whew! This really got my heart pounding. The fear and anxiety here really left an impression on me. The way this person deals with the perception of themself, is jarring on so many levels. The emotions here are masterfully penned.