Anxiety Attacks

Tonight I had a big panic attack and instead of following it down the rabbit hole I opened my laptop and wrote till it was over. This is how it felt the thoughts through my head.

Anxiety attacks

your breathing increases

a metallic taste in your mouth appears

there's a glob at the back of your throat

there's sick working its way up

there's thoughts completely unrelated going round and round making it worse

you head starts spinning following them

trying to just pick one thought to obsess over

you start thinking if I don't do the thing I know is starting it you'll be better

then you start obsessing over if you cancel you'll hurt them

they wont want you

they wont to make plans with you again

so you stay up till 5am obsessing

trying not to throw up because that will give you more to obsess and worry over

trying to not think about the build up of metallic and saliva in your mouth

trying to swallow it back down

convince your self its not happening.

Take deep breathes,

count to ten

do something to take your mind off it

try to sleep

stop, just stop

please stop

stop

let me sleep

just leave me alone

please

I beg you

take deep breathes

count to ten

that's what they tell you

it doesn't work

sit there quietly

think happy thoughts

were all going to die

the cars going to crash

I cant breath

there's a spider

my back hurts

oh my god I wont be able to walk

help I'm stuck

there's something in the dark

take a deep breath

think rationally

think rationally! are you kidding have you ever had a panic attack

yes its not that bad they say

okay let me put it a different way

has your nightmare ever came true

no don't be silly they say

okay have you ever seen someone have a heart attack

have you ever felt a knife going trough you again and again

have you ever been so scared that you feel your heart is going to blow out your chest

don't tell me to calm down

don't tell me to think rationally

don't tell me to breathe

don't tell me to stop being a baby

because

I cant calm down if I could I wouldn't choose to stay in this state of mind its not just to annoy you.

I cant think rationally if I could id know in that moment that its all in my head none of it will happen.

Don't tell me to breathe because every breath feels like fire going down my lungs like a hot drink you forgot was boiling.

Don't tell me to stop being a baby, because I'm not a baby I'm an adult in a bad place, I've been through stuff you don't understand my head and body are against me in that moment, don't you understand.