Her Heart is Black

She sees clearly,

The way people look at her.

 

How they whisper,

When she walks by them.

 

She acts like she doesn’t notice,

But she notices everything.

 

She’s a mute.

But somehow everyone knows her.

 

She gets judged constantly,

Of how much black she wears.

 

She could care less in her mind

About other people and their problems

 

Her heart is black,

From people making her like this

 

She lets no one in,

She doesn’t want to let people in ever.

 

She was taught not to love,

How not to respect it and how not to give it.

Author's Note

needs to be finished...

Reviews

[Aarontastic]

I agree that right now, this poem seems unfinished--it ended pretty abruptly. You could either go on with it some more in order to add more substance, or just end it on some nice cadence in the next stanza, so there's a lot of possibilities. As far is it stands now, I think it's a decent poem, but maybe just a little bit too simple and straightforward. I don't think that the lack of imagery or metaphor or anything like that is the problem, and the terseness of the lines works in the poem's favor because of the subject and the style...but it just lacks impact for me, because so much of the language is pedestrian. Here's one stanza that I liked the least:

"She lets no one in,

She doesn’t want to let people in ever."

The problem to me with reading that line is that it repeats itself (the 'let people in' part), and it is just too dry. Maybe you could think of some other way of describing her alienation and opacity?

So personally, I don't think the poem is great yet, but I think you did choose a good subject to write about because there is a lot of potential in it. One line I did really like was this one:

"She’s a mute.

But somehow everyone knows her. "

It's ironic that she's a mute (literally or figuratively, it doesn't matter) and yet somehow 'everyone knows her'. That's a really sarcastic/cool way to criticize all of those types of people in school who make up rumors about people's lives when they don't even know them; I loved it XD I think it would improve this poem a lot if you made more use of irony and sarcasm like you did there. It is def. worth coming back to though.

[Beautiful_Nightmere]

It's good but you should try making it from her point of view? Maybe? :) Good job though!

[Simmirose]

Great Job! I love the stanza
"
She gets judged constantly,

Of how much black she wears"

I can relate.

[lei]

she was taught not to love..... maybe pain of yesterdays' makes her not love or forgot how to love... nice write

[Maraline-Elijah]

I like it. It is a little sharp though and from my understanding, in know the exact meaning.

[Tai Ryens]

I love this heartfelt, morose piece of poetry a lot. It defines the feeling of being an outcast very well, and every word overflows with emotions. Great job!

[Pax Analog]

At any age one can feel battered by futile misunderstandings in an attempt to love. I addressed this directly in Snark's Hate Heat Hiatus, an exploration in the spirit of Pretty Hate Machine or Viva Hate. All due to the ridiculous unexamined lies attached to the word "love."

Out of your "Paint it Black" scenario arises the truth of being as it is. Eventually, we don't care about letting somebody in or shutting them out. We're all self-fulfilling prophecies.

Sleepwalking people fear the ones randomly waking up. Go for it anyway. ;-)

[allie_arrowz]

i really like the last two lines, they're great

[GunMetal]

Just a phrasing suggestion for this line: "She doesn't 'ever' want to let people in."
I can tell this isn't finished, but I can see it being set up for one of two things: That you're telling the story of a girl who is paranoid, or a story of a girl who is victimized. Perhaps a bit of both?
Keep us posted.

[The Rock And Roll Cowbo..]

when I was young the ones that wore all black were ones that felt out of place so they dressed like that to keep people away, they were really nice deep down... it is sad to think that someone so young could feel like they do in your poem.