Regret.

Regret.

 

Regret comes in many forms. Anger. Resentment. Depression. All the feelings come at once at a moment’s notice. The life we’ve built took a toll, mentally, physically, emotionally. My two greatest blessings were created amongst the chaos of what was and is our marriage. But what was destroyed during that same time? My sanity, trust, self-worth, independence. They slowly withered away to nothingness. I lost myself trying to tend to your needs during the darkest years of your life. And now who am I? A mother, yes. A woman, physically. But happy, no. I live with the regret of our marriage. I hold so much resentment towards you. Your words. Your actions. Your choices. I did not choose this life. I did not pick up the bottle. Because of you I’ve come to despise it. Yet, crave it more now that it has left your life. I still need solid ground to stand on. I have yet to find it.

 

You claim to have found sobriety. I am so proud for you. But I now live in a dark shell of a person that I once was. I am not myself. I haven’t been. But you want to keep pushing forward, so my closure is lost. Thank you for giving me a purpose. Motherhood has been a dream of mine since I could remember. But now its all I am. Mom. Nothing more. The darkness that consumed you and filled you with booze, it slowly creeps into me. But I choose to use it to fuel my drive. To find myself again. I don’t recognize the woman I see everyday in the mirror. And honestly, I am terrified to see what my children see in me.

 

I am determined to fight for my self again. To find my peace. If that means living you behind, I’m sorry. I need to choose me this time. Regret is an awful feeling. It consumes your every being within seconds. I feel it daily. Over nine years of life with you, I don’t know when love ended, and regret filled it place. Maybe the answer is finding myself, then maybe I can love you again. But if not, I will wish you well and work to form a friendship. Our children at least deserve that. The only constant joy, I will ever know.

Reviews

[Anthony Phillips Schepi..]

Thanks for sharing this story Alexandrian. It is powerful and full of real emotion. It had a poetic rhyme to it in places. I could see this piece tucked in a bit and presented as a poem. I could feel your struggle with marital discord and your mate's alcoholism. I understand the dark place this feels like right now but it can and does get better. Nice ending in the final paragraph-fight for yourself again. I enjoyed this story, keep writing! -Anthony