The End or The Begining, Ch. 1

The first chapter of a book I'm working on.

 

 

 

 

"Then you will be disfellowshiped," David stated in a matter-of-fact manner. "Do you understand what that means?" he asked.

Janeen nodded, she knew what it meant in words, but that was all. She knew she would never be able to talk to her friends again, the only people she’d ever known her whole life would turn their backs to her including her family. She may come to the Church, but no one would speak to her or even look at her. She would be dead to them and cast out. Knowing about it was one thing, experiencing it would be quite another.

"Very well," David continued, "it will be announced at next Tuesday’s meeting."

Janeen could only stare at him in shock and disbelief. Adam, sitting to David’s right, looked at David with a expression of surprise, then lowered his head, shaking it from side to side slightly. Noticing this, Janeen looked at him confused, momentarily pulled away from her initial shock. Eric, sitting to David’s left, turned his face away from those seated. David sat straight backed and rigid while he passed the sentence.

One week ago, all four of them had been sitting in this same room, in the same positions. It was called a Judicial Committee Meeting. Something that only took place when someone had done something very wrong in God’s, and the Church’s, eyes. Janeen had not done anything terribly wrong, only something frowned upon. She was dating someone who was not in the Church. This was not seen in a very good light, but that alone did not warrant disfellowshipping. No, she was being disfellowshipped for something much worse......fornication.

Janeen had met with these elders many times over the preceding two months, always to ask her if she’d had sex with Mark yet. Her answer was always an honest no. The meetings would continue with them asking more questions about the nature of Mark’s and Janeen’s relationship. She knew they were testing her, trying to catch her in a lie. This did not worry her a bit for if there is no lie, there is nothing to catch.

However, one week ago, they met again and once again, they asked the same question. "Have you had sex with Mark yet?"

This time Janeen answered, "Yes."

David continued on as if he hadn’t heard her until he did a double take. "What did you say?!"

"Yes," she repeated.

David sat back seeming to not know what to do next. Adam and Eric had caught on to her response the first time, but still seemed shocked. Adam seemed hurt, likely because one of his sons, Keeren, viewed Janeen as his best friend and, he suspected, loved her. Janeen, raised in a family virtually devoid of love, didn’t understand why Keeren was always so nice to her. She did not understand how to show appreciation for such kindness. Shows of appreciation in her family were just that, shows. Little plays put on so your dinner didn’t end up in the garbage then trying to sleep while your tummy ached with hunger.

David continued to fumble with what to say while Adam leaned forward to ask Janeen why she’d had sex with Mark.

"Because I wanted to," she replied coldly. She didn’t see how the why mattered. She’d been meeting with these elders every week for a month and a half. Every time they asked her the same question. She was tired of it! She didn’t want to keep meeting with them, her feeling like they wanted her to have sex before they’d finally help her. She’d told them she’d had doubts, told them she needed help, but all they seemed to care about was if she’d finally spread her legs!

Drained, she finally gave into what she thought they wanted. She wanted to have sex with Mark, yes, but not badly enough to actually do it unless there was more in it than just an hour of pleasure. Pleasure didn’t matter THAT much to her. Now she thought she would finally get the spiritual help she’d been trying to get for almost two years.

However, instead of help, she got one sentence. "We will give you one week to break up with him, and then we can help you."

Now she was more confused than ever! If all they’d wanted was for her to break up with Mark and they’d help her with her doubts, why didn’t they just say that?! All these times they’d met, and never once did they say that all she had to do was break up with Mark to get the help she’d been seeking. Realizing how twisted that was, she prepared for the next meeting, which is today.

Once they’d all sat and prayed, asking for God’s wisdom and guidance to be upon the proceedings, David spoke. "Did you break up with Mark?"

Janeen leaned forward, pain in her eyes she spoke two words. Not no, not yes, not I won’t. She simply said, "I can’t...." the words dripping pain and a pleading for understanding. Janeen fully expected them to ask why, but no one did.

Instead, David sat straighter and calmly but coldly said, "Then you will be disfellowshipped......It will be announced at next Tuesday’s meeting." His tone made it clear this could not be argued, the decision was final.

All Janeen could manage to say was, "ok....."

David started praying again, thanking God for bestowing his wisdom and guidance upon them, and concluded the meeting. Janeen was asked to go ahead and leave so the three elders could discuss today’s proceedings.

Stunned and shocked, Janeed walked out of the small meeting room and towards the double doors to exit the Church. She’d not walked ten feet, her mind reeling, when she thought, this wasn’t the way it was supposed to go.....how could this have happened?

At fifteen she’d been at peace, her mind started to open. She saw "worldly" people, those not in the Church, for what they were. Not Satan’s spawn, hell bent on leading her away from God, but as human beings with fears, concerns, hopes, and dreams similar to her own. She saw people trying hard to be good, and so many succeeding. They disagreed with her religion, but they were respectful and polite about it. Not attacking and trying to cause her to doubt like the Church said they would.

At sixteen she realized the hypocrisy she and her family lived. At Church and in public, a wonderful, happy, God fearing family. Exactly what any true Christian family should be. Especially the family of an Elder, or Minister. However, on the drives to and from Church, they fought, yelled, and screamed at each other. Two of their weekly Church meetings ended at Janeen’s bedtime, so there didn’t seem to be anything amiss when the family would arrive home and each would storm off to their bedroom, their father to his office. Sundays, however, were a different matter.

On Sunday, Church would end around noon. Sometimes her family would go join another family for lunch or have other families over to their house. Either way, once the family was in the car, doors shut, the yelling would commence. They continued this way for years before, and Janeen feared it would not stop anytime soon. Hers was a House of Hypocrisy, but it took her many years to realize it.

Late in her sixteenth year, she finally told a trusted friend, Janice, the truth about her family. Janice did not believe her. Nothing Janeen said would make Janice believe a word of it. So good was Janeen and her family at acting that her only confidant would not believe her. Janeen’s heart ached at the secret she was forced to keep. She ached for the betrayal she felt she played towards God, but what could she do? The Church always encouraged people to confide in God and a trusted friend if one’s heart was so torn that they were having doubts, but her trusted friend did not believe her.

Deciding on another tactic, she worked on her doubts about the religion. See, in God’s "true" Church, things like what was happening in her family just did not happen if people were truly following God. Therefore, someone in her family must not be following God’s righteous standards as well as they should.

Janeen knew it could not have been her father, for he was an Elder. If he’d not been following God’s standards, God would have him removed as an Elder. Therefore it must be another family member. Janeen’s mother seemed perfect, she never saw her mother misstep. Yes, she was kind of crazy, yelled and hurt her children both physically and emotionally, but "spare the rod, spoil the child." Therefore, Mom was doing exactly as God wanted her to. It was all very logical to Janeen.

Next person to look at was Janeen’s little sister, Iris. Iris was only 14 and any sins she may have committed seemed minor compared to Janeen’s, based upon their mother’s reactions.

That left only one person who could be committing such grave sins as to throw her whole family into the grips of Satan by their hypocrisy........Janeen. This realization crushed Janeen to the very center of her being, for she loved God very much and would never want to hurt him by sinning, but there must have been something.....

She spent most of that winter indoors, contemplating her faults and flaws, making lists of sins and transgressions until she was sure she had every one. In the mean time, she did not want to upset God further by continuing in the sin of arguing with her mother. Instead she would ask to use her Dad’s car to drive to and from Church so she would not have to be in the same car as her mother. At times, Iris rode with her, but this was rare. Iris really preferred her mother’s company over Janeen’s, except for the times when Mom was acting a little crazy. It was best, during such times, to avoid Mom all together, be you friend, enemy, or even favored child.

Janeen remembered vividly some of the worse times Mom had gone crazy. Mom would chase Iris thru the house with the intent of spanking Iris with a belt, or a wooden or metal spoon. Once Iris escaped into the office and locked the door behind her. Dad was already in the office working. Dad listened to Iris cry and try to explain while Mom banged on the door and yelled at Dad to not interfere. Dad put his foot down to Mom that day, but Iris paid the price later.

Another time Iris had not been so fortunate. Mom cornered her in the basement when she tried to escape outside. Janeen stood at the top of the stairs, tears streaming down her cheeks as she heard the belt crack against Iris’s bottom, or at least she assumed it was. Over and over and over she heard the belt crack, her little sister crying, cornered and alone except for her Mom hitting her with the belt. Janeen knew there was nothing she could do.....she could only listen to the belt crack and her sister’s cries of pain.

Realizing her mind had run off on a tangent, she wrestled it back from those painful memories to the present, or rather a little over a year ago, when she finally tried to do something about her doubts about the Church.

That spring she turned seventeen and made up her mind about how to handle her doubts. She would ask another trusted family friend, an Elder, to have a Bible Study with her.

Janeen stopped this friend as he was about to leave her home. He’d been there visiting with Mom and Dad after one of their more nasty arguments. Mom had told Janeen, in the past, to call Chris if Mom and Dad started fighting again. Not understanding her Mom’s reasoning, Janeen did as she was told.

Chris walked down the stairs and Janeen caught up to him at the bottom.

"I need to ask a favor of you," she started.

"Ok," he responded and waited for her to continue.

Janeen had planned ahead what she would say, but now that the moment came, she hesitated. What if he thinks I’m possessed by Satan for all of my questions? What if he told other people that I am having doubts? Would they shun me as they have many others? Though the question was there, poised to come out, fear choked the words in her throat.

Chris seemed to grow impatient as he shifted his weight and allowed his eyes to wander to a nearby tree just beginning to sprout new leaves. Janeen realized she had to ask him soon or she never would. She suppressed her fear and uncertainty and focused on her logic. Finally she continued.

"I want to know if you would be willing to have a Bible Study with me, because I have been having doubts."

"I can do that," he responded, no trace of anxiety or annoyance came with his words, "but really you should do that on your own since you’re baptized."

She’d already tried that when the doubts were minor, but studying the Church’s literature, along with the Bible, had only made it worse. More doubts crept up, not minor little ones, but larger, more disturbing ones. She explained how she’d already tried that and if only made it worse.

"Then you should ask your father to study with you."

She’d tried that as well and either he didn’t have the time or he couldn’t answer the questions with out repeating word for word what was already in the Church literature. That was all well and good, but when she wanted to know why something was bad or evil, all he could say was, "It just is." She knew what he meant was because the Church said so. But why?! Her mind would scream, but no answer was forthcoming.

She asked her questions of her father because of things that would go on with in her mind. Janeen would talk about them to her Mom, but she would always wave her hand dismissively and tell Janeen it was all demonism. During such times, Janeen always felt thankful that she’d never explained that the things her mom called demonism, were things going on in her own mind.

One of such things involved times Janeen would feel like she was able to do anything! Ideas flowed like water thru her mind, she’d say anything that came to her, and needed little sleep. Everything she did, during such times, made perfect sense to her, until she started to calm down. Then her primary thoughts were, what the hell was I thinking?! Janeen started to think she was crazy because of these times.

Then other times she would be so depressed, all she could think about was wishing Armageddon would hurry up and get here so she could die! Two times she had not been willing to wait for that death to come. She decided to take matters into her own hands, but the first time the bullets were missing and the second, the whole gun and case had been moved.

Other times, she could have sworn she heard a voice in her head. Sometimes it was her own, berating her and saying cruel things in the attempt to make her be a good little Christian girl who never made mistakes. At other times, it would be a friend’s voice and Janeen would respond to it. Janeen’s friend would look at her, stunned, because she’d been thinking what Janeen heard, but never said anything.

All this, her mother said, was, "demonism and Satan’s attempt to lure you away from God."

The Church literature confirmed what Mom said. Janeen let the matter drop until she ran across something when researching mental disorders for a paper in school when she was sixteen. Manic-Depressive Disorder explained it all! The high, happy, impervious feeling. Feeling powerful and like everyone liked her, and it’s reverse. Feeling she was the stupidest, most pathetic creature to walk the face of the planet. Only wishing to be dead and praying to die each night before bed.

Seeing how it all fit, she brought this information to her father to ask him to take her to a psychiatrist. Her father was loving and patient as usual, but explained how psychiatrists would work against God and place doubts about the Church in her mind. He explained how reading the Bible and Church literature would help her get over these demonistic things going on in her mind. He explained how she was out of balance spiritually and how once she brought her thinking back in line with "good Christian principals," all those things would fade away.

Trusting her father’s, and the Church’s, advise, she immersed herself in reading Church literature and looking up the cited scriptures. She came to meeting each day with all her answers prepared, notepad for taking notes, and all the rest of the literature she would need for each meeting.

The Church meetings were set up so that during some part in each of the three weekly meetings, the man on the podium would ask questions from the magazine or book they were reading that day. Janeen made sure she was prepared and always answered at least one question.

This made her mother and father very proud, but she did not do it for them. She did it for God and herself. She wanted Him to be happy with her. Maybe then He would answer her prayers and make the mood swings, crazy thoughts, and voices go away.

Janeen continued on this way for six months until she made a dreadful mistake. During her study of the Church’s magazine, she looked up the scriptures as she usually did. Enjoying the scripture she read, she decided to read the paragraphs surrounding the scripture. As she read, she became confused. The cited scripture made sense with the literature when read alone, but when read in context, it said something completely different! Desperately trying to prove to herself she was mistaken, she read the whole Bible chapter hoping there was something she missed. Still, the scripture proved to have nothing to do with what the article said it did. She looked up other scriptures from the magazine and read them in context. The others made sense with the paragraphs in the magazine.

Janeen rationalized that the one who wrote the article must have made a mistake. That was okay because no one was perfect!

Finding that she enjoyed reading the cited scriptures in context, she continued this practice. She became very adept at finding scriptures quickly during the Church talks, or sermons, and would read the whole paragraph the scriptures were in before the speaker, or preacher, would start reading aloud from the podium. This turned out to be a mistake.

Over the next three months she did this with every scripture cited and found that many of the scriptures the speakers would read were so out of context that they would, at times, have absolutely nothing to do with what the subject matter the speaker, or article, was talking about! This was the final straw that finally got her to come to Chris this day to ask for a Bible Study.

After telling Chris that she had tried studying on her own and with her father, but many of her questions he could not answer. Finally Chris agreed to study with her, alone even. Janeen explained the purpose of the Bible Study. "I have doubts, not about God, but about whether the Church is God’s ‘true earthly organization,’"

"Ok......" he responded. He seemed slightly confused.

She pressed forward. "The thing is......I want a Bible Study using only the Bible, no Church literature."

A wall came down. "That I can NOT do," he responded, standing straighter now.

"What?....But why?" she pleaded.

"I can have a Bible Study with you, but I can not use only the Bible. That’s just the way it’s done," he responded showing no emotion.

"But..."

"Listen..." he interrupted, "if you have doubts then you need to study harder, meditate on it, and pray. Studying the Bible alone will not answer your questions. Only by reading Church literature, along with the Bible, will your doubts be resolved."

Janeen’s jaw dropped. She’d done just that to be closer to God, and in doing so she’d started doubting. Now she was hearing that the only way for her to prove to herself that the Church was God’s true organization was to repeat what she’d already done and to read literature put out by the very group she was doubting?!

Distraught she replied, "....but....I already did that!"

Chris tossed his hands into the air and shrugged, "then I don’t know what to tell you."

Tears began to well in Janeen’s eyes. "ok....." was all she managed to whisper. There was something so wrong with that reasoning, but she couldn’t figure out what. She rationalized it was her own "twisted thinking" brought on by her doubts, that caused her to not understand the logic of God’s minister.

Chris turned to leave, but noticing Janeen hanging her head, eyes on the ground, he asked "I’ll be seeing you at the Tuesday meeting?"

"Yeah....ok....." was all she could say, barely above a whisper.

He walked off towards his car. She watched him, hoping he would not leave it at that. He unlocked the gate, walked through, closed it behind him, got in his car, and backed out of the driveway. He did not look at her again, did not look at the house, he just left her standing there. It was cold, but she did not notice.

Once Chris had gone and she could no longer hear his car on the road, she went inside. Mom and Dad were in the family room talking, Iris was in her own room watching TV. Janeen walked up the stairs, past Iris’s door, and into her own room.

Closing the door behind her, she collapsed onto her bed. As pain filled her heart again, she curled her knees to her chest. As she held her knees close, she wept.

 

 

 

Reviews

[Nicole (Carpe Diem)]

i enjoyed the chapter... great story and i can see it progressing into many more chapters... the only thing i got a little confused about at first was all the 'J' names... once i figured out who every one was it was ok, but the first few graphs were a little... i dont know... hard to keep everyone straight i guess...
cant wait to see what chapter 2 holds...

[Joseph - Michael]

That was quite an interesting start of the story like that. I don't know what to say, but to be frankly; Wouldn't that be an introduction to the story or just a plain prologue to the story? I mean, that's what it sounded like to me as it would be a first page of the book? That's goes the same with the titlle as well. Unless, I could be wrong and there are much more to that? I guess I'll just have to wait until the next chapter you write and I'll find out for sure, then. Also. there are some sentences that are in the need for some of the adjustments, no biggie...

On the other hand, it's a real interesting read and I was really into it as in wondering what would she do next and such, so it's all still great tho...

[Kelley Pascoe]

disfellowshipped for questioning thier words not Gods. I think many people have gone through this same thing you just described? I have I know. At the start of this story I thought it was going to be on the sins of sex before getting married, but it really wasn't was it?
I think you should write more to this story. I like what I have read so far, and when you get into it, its really not that long.
Very interesting Andrea (smile)
Keep your chin up. Only God can judge you truely.
Thanks for sharing such a privite part of you.
Kelley

[Siddartha Beth Pierce]

Definitely a tough topic to write about as there always could be controversy I suppose - I have known so many people to become so confused by 'strict' religious beliefs to do just the things you mention here - one to decide to commit suicide, ironically, one of the biggest sins of all in the eyes of the Church and two to become manic-depressive. Your character is quite compelling and her spiritual journey is intriquing and painful - you express this so well. The story flows with such ease. I look forward to reading more about Janeen and her struggles to find her way. The hypocrisy in many religions is so outright outrageous and much of that comes through in this tale. Thank you for sharing and writing about such a difficult subject that so many find evasive and hard to deal with themselves. Well done.
Light,
Siddartha

[Marie]

Great job.

[Wolfwind Words]

This was a great start to an epic journey of your character Janeen. It's full of emotional intensity that would keep people not only wanting to know what happens next, but stay with the characters through out their trials and tribulations. I hope you continue to add to this, I look forward to the next chapter.
I will give you kuddos for writing about such a strong topic, that i'm sure many others have lived through, yet have never voiced. Hats off to your bravery!

[Sara Muschweck]

I liked reading this chapter, and look forward to more. The questions your character brings up are so enlightened, how can someone believe blindly? This could have been written about any form of organized religion. Not giving the girl the answers she so desperately needed is a mistake most adults make quite often, telling her that this is the way it is, without giving her the "why". I look forward to the next chapter.