Toothpaste and Time

humorous story about Mother visiting grown son, two very materialistic and opinionated lug heads

  Toothpaste and Time

       My Mother has come for a visit. She's upstairs resting, it takes a lot for her to drive the 2 hour trip. Don't even ask her how the trip was, she'll say the interstate was packed, too many big trucks, too many tourists, too many accidents,  too many cars weaving in and out like she's on the autobahn. She'll tell you she drove the speed limit, but I know she doesn't drive over 50 on the highway. And if there's a drop of rain she will say, "it rained like God almighty was about to make an appearance."  She complains about me moving the Business to Tampa. (Thank goodness my sister and her family still live in Orlando or else) 
     Mother is acutely disturbed by trump/vance bumper stickers,  she'll roll down her window and spits 3 times then gives the finger - not much of a diplomate, my Mother.
     She comes here packed like she's moving in, bring two huge suitcases, loose clothes on hangers, a bag of shoes, her own set of sheets and her electric blanket because she complains how cold it is in my house. she lugs plastic bags filled with  food from Orlando, she thinks there's never good food to eat at my place, you'd think there wasn't a store, grocery, a mall, pharmacy or retaurant between Orlando and Tampa.
     When she unpacks all her 'vanity' items in the bathroom, the counter is filled with face moisturizers, wrinkle relaxers, sunscreen, special facial wash, and a unopened travel sized toothpaste which she waves at me and says, "you know what this means my favorite son",  (I'm her only son,) - "Yes Mom, I respond, "it means when the tube is empty it's time to exit." (Which should be about 5 days normally)
     After that she dots the tub with all her travel sized shampoos, conditioners, body washes, lotions and most are probably about 7 years old that my Father had brought home in bulk from being in hotels on the road while selling junk to tourist attractions. Like aprons with Florida splashed across in waves, seashells with eyes glued on them, T-shirts reading, 'all I got from Florida was this T-shirt' and al kinds of useless nothings. For some reason she still keeps that old hotel shampoo, conditioners and lotions and refuses to throw them away, I say they've expired. She says, "nonsense, preservatives make things last longer, that's why we look so good when we age now, like 50 being the new 30."
       My dad left her 7 years ago for Millie Green, the server who waited on them for 3 years at their favorite Orlando deli. Mother would wave some Hilton guest shampoo and say, "can you believe he left his family for some younger, big fake boobed version of me and she's a deli waitress? Not even good enough to serve at a 2 star eatery let alone a 4 Star. And all I got for those 30 years were shampoos and conditioners! Why if it wasn't for you and your sister, I would have left him and his ailing prostate years ago had I known. No wonder he tipped her so well!"
       My parents were high school sweethearts in Beaverton Pa. Their photos back in the 60s were enough to make you crack up laughing, my Dad had the greasiest slicked black hair you ever saw, and Mother in her oversized black rimmed rhinestoned glasses looked like she was in an old school typist pool. I really don't know how they lasted 2 years let alone 30. Dad worked for his father selling auto parts around the state until Gumpy, (my paternal grandfather) died and we moved to Florida because his cousin Max, 3 X removed,  had a business dealing with selling 'chotskies' to the touristy stores around the state. That must have been how they lasted so long, Dad was gone almost all week every week. Things became tougher when many places didn't want such crappy crap and things got financially harder before Dad ran off with Millie. He got caught after Mother hired a detective who caught them humping to the side of the deli building late at closing time. Mother's reaction was, "I didn't know he could move that fast!" 
     Dad did invite us all to the wedding 6 years ago, but she says as an "abandoned wife of a 'late night deli humper', she would never show her face. She didn't and made us promise to not go either, we didn't.
     She has tried dating, but says men at her age, 64, only want the daughters not the mature woman. She tried a dating site, but that went badly when the guy took her to dinner at some Olive Garden and got so drunk, he passed out, head on the table. She vowed to become celibate, actually with Dad on the road all those years, I bet she's been celibate for a quarter of a century at least.
     Dad bought some RV and with Millie working part time, they travel. Mother yells that for years she wanted to travel and because he was on the road so much, he only wanted to stay home, "Injustice" is what she calls it. She likes to come over and see the latest pics of Dad and Millie, Millie has put on some noticable weight, Mother calls her, "Mrs. 'Deli-belly' eats for free a few days a week".
     Mother always comes to see my office, I moved it from Orlando to Tampa on purpose.  She likes to see how business is running. She never fails to move things around because the 'feng shui" is incorrect,  "energy must flow correctly," she will say. My receptionist Debbe will try and take a break when Mother comes to visit, as is custom, Mother will criticize Debbe's clothes, like her blouse, makes her skin look too pale, suggest teeth whitener, just a few of her helpful suggestions. Poor Debbe, if still there will agree on everything Mother critiqued and thank her just to not make waves with the bosses Mother.  Debbe's a good receptionist and a good sport. My partner Jake finds Mother impossible and conveniently won't be there.
    If Mother does not want to go somewhere I want to go,  she blames her stomach, "you go ahead without me, my stomach is talking back. Yet after she said that and I leave,  she'll call and ask if I can bring her a Boston creme donut and whipped creamed topped hot chocolate, or stop and pick up Entenmanns black and whites, or cheese cake. She eats enough sugar that Dominos should be paying her! She keeps them in business -- claims that all the sugar substitutes are cancer causing to make Doctors richer. Butter too, it must be Land O Lakes to smear on about everything she eats. When we eat out, its fries and anything fried dipped in melted butter.  Millie is not the only one who has grown wider. It's amazing that her Doctor say she is "fit and healthy like no one else her age', (so she says.)  She suggests eating what you want and don't linger longer than necessary."  She says she'll live to be 110 just to annoy her children, (which she already has the lock on that,)  and when she passes,  put her ashes in a beautiful expensive urn to spend half a year at my house and half with my sister. "Remember", she says,  "it can't be some ceramic crap you pick up at Target, it better be a beautiful porcelain piece from Neiman Marcus."
   That's my Mother, and when she gets up from her rest we'll get a late lunch at Chicos, lots of nachos full of cheese, and two pina coladas, an hour later she will be farting out loud while looking for her Gas-X. Then a couple hours later she'll suggest Chinese, or a pizza.
   So you ask, what's great about this annoying women? Well, she's fascinating and has

 the most outrageous thoughts that make money. After she divorced, she found an ad agency in Orlando. Me and my college roommate, Jake went to work for her, you might have heard of the canine dating site, "Elite Champion Canine Cronies", Mother made a fortune off pure breeds looking for mates. Also, "B***h and Stud Heinz 57" dating site for any dog. We have cats too, even minature horses that does phenominal!  We have seamstresses who make a line of every day clothes and wedding apparel for any breed, any animal, except reptiles. Mother hates reptiles. Shes has made so much $$$ off her animal dating sites that she gives her alimony check as donations to charities. Last time she came she suggested a jewelry line with paw anklets with little 14K gold bones and hydrant charms. Of course we have glasses and hats on those sites too. (Can you believe we were never allowed a have a pet, "too messy and smelly," Mother claimed. 
    When she started the agency she began with hospital quality leeches because she read an article in JAMA about hospitals return to using leeches, we bought land in Loxahatchee with 2 acres of leeches fed pure filtered water, the finest, purest hospital grade leeches in the world.Then our hospitals stopped  and the revenue from Asian countries began drying up, so we let the leeches free and made  nice profit off the property. Her friend Betsy became incontinent so Mom looked at DIapers, "Depends?" She said, Whatta name, does it depends whether you crap yourself or not, sounds like a horrible name."  So she had a designer make an adult diaper line, "No Bladder what" for men and women, even got the rights for printing to order personalized football and NBA logos. Hockey refused to be associated with dirty pants. There's even the Bible verse diaper line, when dry you see the Bible quotes, when wet or worse, the quotes fade, but a blue AMEN come across the front to know when to change it, it's called, "Biblical Duties".
    When Mother gets mad at me she threatens to go find another son and start a new agency. I know she wouldn't. 
     Oh wait, she's yelling from upstairs, leaning over the railing, "when we going to Chicos?"  I tell her, "whenever you're ready." 
    I'm 40 and still single, I don't bother bringing my dates around her after one of my dates stopped by unexpectedly wearing a super sexy outfit and my Mother asked her,  "where do you shop? Strippers are Us?" No more Vanessa.  then there was the thong under my bed and she asked who wears this kinda underwear, that thing would give you a horrible infection rubbing all day on your butt like that." so I suspend dating when she comes into town every other month. 
   Looks like she's about ready to go - I hear her complaining about her neuropathy in her feet, that means she's getting her shoes on.
    Is it so wrong that when she goes to bed, I squeeze some toothpaste out so her time to leave comes a bit faster, like 3 days? My bad!