The grip of beauty

I often fantasize about destroying my cosmetics.

How I'd throw my foundation bottles to the floor and watch as the glass smashes and releases the beige fluid that would have once covered my skin bespatter.

It would not have power over me anymore.

I’d rip apart my mascara brush. The black coating my hands, my arms, my face. It’d go everywhere and it wouldn’t matter.

It wouldn’t matter.

I’d crush my lipstick in my hands. The red would look like the blood from the body that I had so desperately been trying to fix.

Blood was always purer than what I covered my face with every morning.

The blush, the powder, the concealer, all of it would be broken way beyond repair.

Unfixable.

I’d treat them like they had treated me.

It's not a sick revenge fantasy.

I'm not angry at society.

More disappointed in myself.

Disappointed for mistreating my body.

Disappointed for calling it ‘ugly’ in passing conversation, like the very body, the very skin, I had been given meant nothing to me.

Disappointed that instead of treating the marks on my face like part of nature, I treated them like imperfections that could only be treated with expensive creams. I never stopped to think that the only real treatment was confidence.

There’s no profit in confidence.

It took me a long time to realize that the girls, the ones with flawless skin and perfect hair behind makeup counters were never my friends. To them, I was just another girl who could be tricked into thinking she could be fixed by spending money on some eyeshadow. If they really were my friends then they’d smile at me with their whitened teeth and tell me I was beautiful as I was, not offer to paint my face for a discount.

It’s not their fault. They, just like me, have become slaves. Slaves to the idea that we lose our beauty as we grow. Let me ask you this. Do flowers lose their beauty as they grow? Or as they grow, do they become more beautiful? You don’t see people painting over every lily to make it look like a rose, so why is it the same with us? Why do we paint ourselves to fit an ideal that can’t be achieved?

Why can’t we just let ourselves bloom?

We all know who’s responsible. There’s a reason cosmetic brands sponsor the news. How we’re shown scenes of dead bodies and war then get beautiful women shoved in our faces during a commercial break.

Because those who gain from our insecurity want us to think that “the world is ending around us, but a least I can be beautiful whilst it’s crumbling”.

But I can’t change. I’m in too deep. I can’t leave.

I’m trapped.

And tomorrow morning, like every morning since I was 10, i’ll put on makeup and hope that when I look in the mirror I’ll finally see beauty. As will millions of other girls and women.

I just want to bloom. 

Reviews

[Alexa Apothic Red]

Wow!! This is beautiful writing-as are you! Very relatable as I have a similar obsession with makeup, and I do appreciate your commentary on society and media.

As I've grown older I have learned some truths about makeup, at least compared to my views when I was in my teens or 20s:

Wearing makeup CAN be about vanity and covering up flaws and and becoming someone we are not... however, I've learned that women inherently want to beautify the world and their selves at every age. It's just how we are built.. the fashion industry, accessories, hair/skin/nails and cosmetics industries, as you pointed out all speak to this..
But I've learned that it doesn't HAVE to be about vanity, covering up who we are or becoming someone we are not.. because makeup, hair, fitness, fashion etc has more to do with our heart than what's on the surface. If we are doing all the above to enhance our natural characteristics and be the best version of ourselves, then I feel we can play with makeup, have fun with it and it's not related to vanity. Of course it's a personal thing, and only you know your own heart. I'm pleased to have made it past my teens and 20s where I probably was doing it for the wrong reasons and still felt 'ugly' within.. but true beauty is exuded from the heart. Light your inner beauty on fire and it really doesn't matter what you do on the outside. :)

[Abby]

I love this review. Thank you dearly!

[barleygirl]

Recently I wrote my version of exactly what you’re saying here (“Beauty is a Pain”). It’s fun to see it from your point of view, as a person who’s been sucked in by the cosmetic industry. Mine is from the POV that I’ve never worn foundation make-up in my 61 years of life & I love my imperfect healthy skin. I love hearing the outrage in your expressions as you realize you don’t have to be under the spell of the cosmetic industry which charges crazy prices for formulas that are often mostly water or wax. Hearing your persuasive arguments is music to my ears & I’m proud of young women who do not buy into the age-old expectations upon women! (((HUGS))) Fondly, Margie

[Abby]

Thank you for this wonderful review margie,glad to know i’m not the only one who sees the fault in the cosmetic industry. I’ll be sure to check out your peice soon.

[drcornelius]

I am a retired psychologist and have seen so much suffering and culturally induced self loathing. This was painful for me to read. It is very well written and the emotions so cogently painted.

[Abby]

This review means an awful lot, thank you so much.

[00000000000000000000000..]

Well, I cant say I relate to the makeup part but looks yes you heard me speak not long ago about that and my goals now set. As for the flower that I can tell a lot about:) this small story comes from my Grandma. We use to set out flowers of all kinds but I took too the rose:) Red has always been my favorite and there is not just 1 red rose. Anyways The rose starts she starts as a seed and she has to be placed in just the right place the soil the sun rays and will she receive the water she so needs to grow. The rose she is a very special thing my Grandma said she is tender loving sweet her leaves and stem so carry in a wind her deep colors of red and scent no man can create. Her roots sit before the ground and she carries herself to a light. Always treat the rose with love my Grandma said. Be kind and just to her. Her story was very sound metaphorically at will. The rose she spoke was more than just a flower:)

[Akash gaikwad]

I loved this story....clearly we all know how cosmetics brands does discrimination in it's ads. I also believe that the ugliness exist because we compare the beauty. Everything in this world has it's own nature which doesn't need to be compare. I love the example of flower you have written.

[Abby]

thank you!

[/]

I can't top the review below so I'll just say I think you're very bright. You see the vanity that TV and media put into society. Youtube pops up beautiful girls all the time and shoves them in my face. I'm not concerned. I like a girl who can think and be real. I think your inner beauty shines through in this piece because you're so honest.

[Abby]

Thank you so much,it's very appreciated.

[/]

You're welcome.