I just don't understand, but am I supposed to?

Life: Stop thinking. Just do.

I just don’t understand, but am I supposed to?

 

I don’t understand why I bother putting my heart out there, exposed to the world. It’s such a vulnerable position. Through many past experiences, people notice that quality and take advantage of it. I’ve forgiven people under extreme circumstances that many others would never dare to do. What do I get in return? Another situation requiring my forgiveness that I so easily hand out? Another heartache? Another broken friendship? Is it my fault for putting myself out there so much just to get hurt?

 

I don’t understand why friendships can’t last.  I’m not saying I’m the perfect friend but I’d like to think that I do a hell of a lot better of a job than many of my peers. I put my heart and soul into my friendships because they’re so important to me and that’s what counts. When they’re sad, angry, excited, anxious, lonely, confused or feeling lost, my ears will never fail them. When I’m sad, angry, excited, anxious, lonely, confused or feeling lost, where are my listeners when I need them?  When a friend is down, is it that difficult to comfort them? When someone puts down your friend, is it so hard to stand up for him or her? When conflicts arise in a friendship, why can’t there be communication and honesty so that it can be resolved?

 

I don’t understand why dating is so difficult. How is one supposed to distinguish the a******s, liars and the cheaters from the good ones? Just when you believe someone genuinely enjoys your company, you open your heart, become vulnerable and suddenly BOOM! Where’d they go? What happened? You may ask yourself: What did I do wrong? Is it because of the way I look? Is there something wrong with me? Is it because I refrained from sex? Is it because I gave into sex? What allowed them to suddenly change their mind about me that made it so easy for them to toss me aside?

 

I don’t understand how young adults are expected to make it in this world. If you don’t go to college, your options are very limited but the situation isn’t exactly ideal if you do go to college either. Tuition is ridiculously high, leaving students in hundreds of thousands of dollars in debt, that is, if you’re lucky enough to get a student loan. Graduate programs and jobs seem to expect students to be superheroes because how can we achieve an impressive GPA, participate in extracurricular activities, volunteer, find internships, work our crappy part-time jobs to support ourselves (because many are not so fortunate to have families provide financial support) AND stay sane on top of it all? How does it make sense that, to get an entry-level job position, we need “experience”? Where the hell is this “experience” supposed to come from once we’re done being superman/superwoman?

 

I don’t understand familial conflicts. Whatever happened to “blood runs thicker than water” or “family first”? Families are supposed to be our support systems, our sanity, our best friends, our role models and our inspiration. Some of us are lucky to have found that within our families, but others still strive to compete with one another and live up to expectations. Why do some family members make it their life-mission to inflict pain, whether it’s mental or physical, onto others? Shouldn’t we all be able to associate “family” to words like support, happiness, warmth, comfort and unconditional love?

 

I don’t understand myself. Seriously, what the F is going on in my brain? Sometimes I’m so content with life and optimistic for what’s to come. Other times I fall into a deep, deep black hole in the earth where I can’t even see the light and it seems as though things will never look up. I often wonder, is it just me who feels this way? Why do some days I look at myself, happy with the way I look and proud of who I’m becoming, while other days I can’t even look at my reflection in the mirror? Why is it so difficult to love and accept yourself?

 

I just don’t understand LIFE, but am I supposed to? Why do things happen the way that they do? Why can’t everyone and everything die a peaceful death? Why can’t there be peace in our lives in general? Life sucks. Life is tough. Life like a never-ending rollercoaster: You begin at ground level, soon finding yourself approaching that nerve-wrecking climb to the top which, to your surprise is painfully exciting, but your increasing vulnerability to the drop can be frightening.  Then, it happens. You’ve reached the top. There’s that short pause at the top of a rollercoaster where you have the opportunity to take in your surroundings, find peace and accept your fate. This is the part that makes-or-breaks the rest of your ride. Either you find the beauty and peace of being at such heights or you succumb to your fear, focusing on the fall, wondering, “Will I make it?” If you give into the fear, you’ll miss the glorious opportunity to take advantage of that moment. Yeah, the drop still kind of sucks even when you do find peace at the top and your stomach turns into knots but once that’s finished, you become grounded and find your place again (before the cycle restarts and continues, of course).

 

So many of us ask, what’s the point? Why are we here on this earth, living? But I ask: what’s the point in asking, “what’s the point?” Just live. Put your heart on your sleeve because once you’ve weeded out all of the a******s, you’ll find yourself with those who appreciate you. Be an amazing friend and one that you would value having.  Eventually you’ll find the loyal ones and by then, you’ll appreciate each other more than you could imagine. Experiment with dating and take your time. Aside from finding a lifelong partner, you find out quite a bit about yourself along the way too. Love and support your family. We can’t choose who our family is but we can choose how we treat one another. Don’t hold back on your dreams out of fear of debt and lacking opportunities. If you’re passionate enough, you’ll find your way because success is so much more than the materialistic things. Accept who you are or make changes to become a better you and by changes, I don’t mean plastic surgery or attempting to be someone that you aren’t. Being the best version of you takes a lot of work but the reward in loving yourself is worth it because once you’ve achieved that, it doesn’t matter what others see. Lastly, don’t try to understand or figure out the meaning of life. We’re here, living on this earth, so you might as well make the best of it. Bad things happen sometimes but so do great things. Try your best to search for the light and learn from those negative experiences. Appreciate the highs and don’t be afraid of the lows because it won’t be long before you become grounded once again.

Author's Note

I've recently been in a rough patch and tonight, during a breakdown, came this piece. I'm not exactly a writer so my format, vocabulary and grammar will not be perfect. I just hope my ideas can inspire others who may need a reminder, like I needed, to push through those rough patches and to never feel defeated.