An Open Prayer to God

A Poem by abrose

My inner thoughts during a fifteen minute long eucharistic adoration (I'm Catholic).

Hello, up there

Or down there, or around me--in me?

Wherever you are, whoever you are, I suppose I’m here

But you already know that, didn’t you?

At least, that’s what I’ve been told

You know me, you knew me, since before all time

Right?

I’m sorry, I’m going on a tangent

I should be following those steps, the ones the priest gave me

Gratitude, guidance, petitions, praise

Two G’s, two P’s, the right format to pray

Only you can pray in many different ways?

Sorry, I’m distracted again

I suppose….I suppose I am supposed to say thank you?

For life, and opportunity that I know I am presented,

But everytime I think like that I start feeling bad

Because I’m not using that opportunity

That I know I have been given

That’s where the guidance comes in, doesn’t it?

Asking--no, requesting--your help, your support

But that’s not right, is it?

You’re not going to answer, and some things need to be learned on your own

How could I be told what the purpose of life is, if nobody knows?

I suppose you do, but mortal minds cannot comprehend

We just...need to feel

That’s what faith is, right? It’s the feel of everything,

Knowing without a true explanation

Like how I’m praying to three beings,

That are really one,

That was omnipresent--that is omnipresent?

No, back on track, guidance guidance guidance

I could ask for a purpose,

But that’s a journey that one needs to bear alone, I think

Or not alone, but with you by their sides?

Answers aren’t supposed to come to me, I think, yet I continue to ask

Petitions...petitions is about directing your prayers for others

Please have grandma better, lower suffering, lift the souls of those dead

But I just-how can I-what is-

You have a plan, a man almost dies and two teens do for another to be holy

And then teach others the same

But--no, okay, I can understand that I think

I just….how does this help the others?
The ones in Africa, who are having their genitals cut off for being a woman

Or given drugs so that they will go into battle, who are only ten

I don’t-I just-everyone says you have a plan,

And okay maybe you do, some suffering is for the greater good,

But...you’ve had years for things to change, and I see no difference

I know you gave us free choice, but can’t you nudge something?

Just enough, just to tweak, just to--you know everything that’s going to happen and you let it!

How can you sit back and know that innocents are going to be hurt?

Day after day people are dying are suffering are bleeding because you do nothing!

I know free will but at what cost?

What cost is this gift? What cost is this….what cost is….

I….

I can’t….

Words aren’t….

This rage-

Maybe I’m just a human, I can’t understand

I can’t fathom the pain you’re in, watching those you know better than they know themselves, and love beyond millions of words strung together, tear everything that you made for them and alongside them apart, and push your words away, and hurt, and hurt, and hurt, but--

I shouldn’t be asking for answers, I’m beyond guidance

I should be praising you, for your work

And….and I love this, I really do

Humanity….it’s amazing, it’s breathtaking, it’s beautiful

It’s...everything

But I can’t praise you because, well,

I can’t praise you because I just….humanity is scary and dark and horrible, too

And now I laugh because I’m thinking, speaking, writing these words to an idea

You--God, Jesus, The Holy Spirit--might not be real

Maybe you are, so many people believe that

It’s unfathomable that so many are wrong about this primal feeling

But...so many people believe in pagan gods, and nature spirits…