How the Laziest Man On the Planet Saved the Earth

How the Laziest Man On the Planet Saved the Earth

Gilbert Pereza was unquestionably the laziest man on the planet Earth. At his birth, not only was he 3 weeks late of his expected due date, he was at first believed to have been stillborn. It was only after it was notice that he actually breathing that it was realized he had slept throughout the entire ordeal. As a child, Gilbert was thought to be developmentally challenged and had undergone testing and special tutoring. Later it was discovered that he wasn’t not only mentally disabled, he was quite intelligent- seems that he just didn’t care enough to put any effort into any task presented to him. Teachers and school administrators soon got the point where they just gave up and passed him along through the system until he graduated.

College, or a trade, had never interested Gilbert enough for him to pursue. Instead, he was happy continuing to live with his parents until the day he, or they, went to their graves. Tragically (depending on ones point of view) both of his parents went first (of note, there is strong belief that the accident involving the oncoming semi-truck may have been deliberate and done so out of frustration with their son). Gilbert inherited the house, the straw manufacturing business (the biggest provider of beverage straws in the Mid-West) and a substantial life insurance settlement. The business virtually ran itself, the house was kept up by a small army of attendants, and since he spent money sparingly (not because he was frugal, but because he was too lazy to think anything to really spend it on) he was set for life. It was about this time that he did developed interest in his one and only activity of interest- spitball shooting.

He had discovered the joys of his new sport unintentionally, when after chewing a wad of paper as a cow chews cud, he nearly choked on the swallowed piece and consequently reached over for his drink. He then coughed the offending piece through the straw of his beverage (all glass and bottled drinks are to have straws in the Peraza household according to company policy) and it was the start of a passion that irritated the household servants to no end.  Gilbert would spend hours sitting in his LazyBoy lounge chair (was his dad’s originally) with an ample supply of varied types paper and different sized and shaped straws. Through experimentation he had devised a technique where, given a particular grade of paper (well-masticated line paper seemed to work the best) and the proper straw dimensions, he could hit any target quite accurately and with reasonable precision. When he had to leave the confines of his chair, say when he went to the bathroom or became too bored with his indoor surroundings, Gilbert would stroll, his favorite straw in one hand and a supply of paper in his pockets, and aimlessly fire away at anything he felt like shooting at. It was this particular activity that disturbs his house employees the most for even they were not immune to his bombardments. Yet, they endured it quietly and without protest for the money was too good. They also knew that for one day out of the week (it was specifically written in their contract) they had a day of respite from their employer. It was this day, when Gilbert was left alone, the laziest man on the planet saved the Earth.

Unbeknownst to the majority of humans, their planet had developed a curious interest among their galactic neighbors. Some entrepreneurial-minded aliens had even devised a tourist trade around this fascination. For a fee, one could don a silly gray suit and scare the beegeebies out of the indigenous locals. Others, though, had a totally different agenda. The Y’Niche were of that latter kind and had thoughts of using humans as cheap slave labor. It was one of these initial scouts that had encountered Gilbert Pereza one evening. As he does on occasions, he had wandered outside his home (supplied with straw and paper, of course) when a brilliant light focused on him and he was captured by the Y’Niche research vessel. Onboard, wishing to learn more about their potential victims, they subjected him to a battery of test. Since he really didn’t have to do anything Gilbert mostly went along with it. All during this ordeal, Gilbert did not stop for once from shooting wads of salivated paper through his straw at anything that moved. This greatly irritated his captors and they quickly confiscated his straw. Further on, as he became bored again, he began to throw the wads of papers with his hands and realized this was equally enjoyable. The aliens then took his paper away hoping that would put his shenanigans to an end. This became the turning point for, not to be dissuaded, Gilbert then began to poke up around his nostril until he found a suitable replacement for his lost ammunition. This automatically became an alarming problem for Y‘Niche as Gilbert began his renewed salvo on the aliens. Due to Gilbert’s poor hygiene habits, it was quickly discovered that the humans were festered with numerous and lethal pathogens making them totally unsuitable for the Y’Niche’s needs.

Gilbert Pereza was dumped where he was found, the project abandoned, and the earth permanently quarantined by the majority of the civilized worlds. This had caused a decrease of tourism to the planet at first, but when strict restrictions on unprotected sex with earth people was enforced (violating the order meant the total annihilation of your species), a whole new industry boomed.  

As for Gilbert, he passed his days in total apathetic bliss.