Schizophrenia. My Story-ish.

A kind of story on my journey with schizophrenia.

Fragile. Thats a good word to describe my mental state. Kind of like fine glass. Shines real nice in the sunlight. But, a swift movement, could be the swish of a cats tail or the flip of your hair sends the beautiful glass falling. When it falls, it falls hard. And crashes, shatters. Hence why its a perfect example of what my state of mind is. This may all sound a bit dramatic but thats what it is. Dramatic. I feel like thats what everyone around me thinks. That I'm being dramatic. That it could be worse. Oh God, if it were worse I would probably combust into flames. Seriously. I don't want to be a burden to the people who love me, but I fear if I try to keep this to myself it would kill me. So I’ll give you some history. Lets take this back to one of my real bad episodes.  

The bed is moving. Why is my bed moving? Its just me in it, or is it? Laughing. Not the nice kind. The sinister kind. It sounds hysterical. Maniacal. I don't feel so good. A gut feeling telling me something isn't right. When I was a kid I was never afraid of clowns. They just didn't bother me. I couldn't see how they could be scary. The universe must be out there to f**k with me because right now there is a tall, lanky, laughing clown jumping on my bed. I hide under my blankets like they could save me. The laughing doesn’t stop. It gets louder, closer. Tears are streaming profusely down my face. There is not a word in the entirety of any language that could encompass what I am feeling. Pure terror is pretty close. I feel the weight of the clown come closer to me. Deep, hot, breaths are on the back of my neck. The hairs are standing straight up. “I can still see you.” Then its all gone. Just like that. If I cared enough about my dignity I wouldn't tell you that I ran straight to my mom and slept in her bed, crying. That I didn't go back to my room for awhile. But Im a bit past holding onto my dignity. The clown terrorized me in my sleep for weeks. Its all I dreamt about. This is schizophrenia. 

So now you know my secret. Not a secret really. Something I try to hide from other people. Im afraid I’ll be judged, be scared of. Maybe it is a secret. My technical diagnosis is schizoaffective disorder. My psychiatrist said it was like if schizophrenia and bipolar disorder had a baby. So, I've got that going for me. People see schizophrenics as a terrifying person thats out there going around murdering and terrorizing the town. When in reality the only one being terrorized is the schizophrenic. Sadly by their own minds. I mean you can't really blame the public for how they perceive people with schizophrenia. Everything they see about it is in horror movies. The movie industry profits off peoples fear of schizophrenics, which they put into their minds in the first place! You can probably think of a few horror movies off the top of your head where the killer ends up being schizophrenic. I don't want to go into an angry rant, so I’ll just say this. If people really cared about the mentally ill they would do their research and find out the truth from the real people dealing with this on a daily basis. Also don't follow the angry mob mentality. Its nothing but a bunch of ignorant people who are dumbly following a person who is  most likely gaining something from whatever they have implanted into your heads. Wake up people. Please. 

I realize I kind of got off topic, but I just get so passionate about the people struggling with mental illness not being treated fairly. Its frustrating. Anyway, I was diagnosed when I was seventeen. I was around 15 - 16 when I first started getting symptoms. I remember the very first time I saw and heard things. I was on a road trip with my family. Our RV was parked and everyone was throwing a football around. Classic road trip vibes. Except I was in the RV having a anxiety attack. It came out of nowhere and just kept escalating. Eventually everything started spinning, and turned black and white. I could hear my family but it was distorted and wrong. Slow and deep voices circling around my head. I could barely walk, somehow I made it outside and maneuvered myself to my mom. She immediately noticed something was wrong and helped me back to the RV gave me some of my anxiety medicine and had me lay down. It didn't really help. I felt like I was on a million different drugs. Totally out of my mind. I’ll skip the rest of the less interesting stuff. Just me losing it basically. At first doctors were hesitant to diagnose me. One, because of my age, and two because it hadn't been going on for more than six months at the time. So they first said, psychosis or depression with psychotic behavior. Then after my second admittance to the mental hospital they said schizophreniform. Which is like temporary schizophrenia. Less then six months. Then six months went by and it was schizophrenia. Then a little while later I was finally diagnosed with schizoaffective disorder the depressive type. This all happened in a year and a half. Not my best years I might say. I am now 19. Living with my condition is hard. I haven't figured it all out yet. I don't know if I ever will. And I’m coming to terms with that. 

I have a few hallucinations or figures as I call them that are the locals. The ones that I see everyday, at the store, in the mall, in the back of my car. The most common, which I used to call the “leader” but don't anymore because my psychiatrist said thats not a healthy way to look at it because its “not real”. Whatever. But it is a tall black figure with no face, only a smile which I describe as the Cheshire Cat smile. You know, from Alice in Wonderland. It has very long arms with sharp fingers. Like knives. The black figure usually blocks me from going to get help while I'm having an “episode”. For instance, standing in front of my door, or in front of my bed. Its quite terrifying. Writing about it is even scaring me. The usual thing it says to me is that I'm not alone, we’re always watching. How am I supposed to stay sane when I hear this s**t? I honestly don't know. Hallucinations are a part of my life now. I have learned how to get used to them. From time to time I do get really scared and lose the control I had fought so hard to get. But I always somehow get back up. Gain control again. I like to think that I've survived everything that has ever been thrown at me. And thats what I’ll keep doing. Surviving. 

This definitely did not go as planned, I wrote this monster of thing when I had planned to write a short story. How this happened I don’t know, but I'm not mad at it. This is my story. Part of my story. I hope to raise awareness for people with schizophrenia, and everyone dealing with mental illness. I want people to know they are not alone. I know I feel alone all the time. But in reality, I’m not. There are so many people out there who care and understand. You just have to let them in. Im trying to do that. Its a process. Hard maybe, but not impossible. Im trying not to be cheesy but the cheesy stuff is usually true. I don't know if anyone will read this, but if even one person relates to this and feels less alone, I’ve done what I wanted to do. 

Author's Note

This is the first time I've written in a long time so bear with me. I am definitely open to constructive criticism. I know its kind of a mess of a story but I just kind of like opened my heart and wrote and I know thats cheesy and dumb lol thanks for reading xx

Reviews

[Planet x]

Ok, I read ths powerful story like 3 times, you did a good job to let the reader into your life, your mental situation is hard enough and on top you need to deal with the Judgment of the people and the need to keep this as a secret.

I hope that you are balances and can enjoy normal life as much as you can

Thank you for puting those brave words down

[Misty]

Your story touched my heart and made me cry. You’re an amazing human who writes out her truths with heartfelt emotion, taking others along for a ride with you on your journey. Thank you for sharing this.

[Chris]

Actually, you did a strong job of putting to words how you feel and how you are affected by this. And yes it IS scary but also quite real. Thank you for facing what you have and sharing that fear.