Could we be friends

Blog piece from my life

When a relationship suddenly stops �" isn’t your world meant to fall apart?

I was full of passion, lust and future designs.

How am I happier now?

It makes me wonder if my love and passion is fickle.

It burnt a fire within me that blazed through all areas of my life �" giving up everything and moving heaven and earth to make the relationship work and bulldozing every brick wall we came up against.

Maybe it will kill me when I look into his eyes again and as I write a heavy dull kick lands my soul.

I could just be ignorant and I might be stubbornly choosing not to remember how his skin feels beneath my calloused hands.

I was dragged kicking and screaming into a relationship by my wayward heart.  It seduced me with warm arms and protection.  The deepest level of love and pull of attraction.

Is it that I myself have become capable of unconditional love and not a love that was just for me.

Or was it him and his scruffy dark hair, six foot six of soul, muscle and capable heart.

I felt love deep in my soul and sparked of into the night from his touch.

He wants to be friends and I want it too.  I can’t imagine my life without him.

Day in day out, hands clasped �" arms wrapped around �" inside jokes and a fierce storm of desire.

I knew I could live without it �" I had a lot to do and a lot I put on hold for the relationship.

Now I had the world at my feet �" in a matter of days I was living in my best friends house with musicians and artists.

I was creating everyday �" an art curator wanted to advertise my work.

It was like my bad luck had vanished and good luck just kept flowing in.

Then he messaged to say sorry it didn’t work out and that I deserved better.

The late night cartoons and good evening spent with friends ghosted out the door as I sat alone with fat tears spilling down my cheeks.

Could we be friends.

I said I didn’t know and he quickly overrode me with okay I understand and I wish you all the best.

He talked about how he had to go to sleep as he was working early in the morning and he wanted to call me when he finished work.  He mentioned about having a car now.

Was I crying because he didn’t want me anymore?

Was I crying because I would never feel his arms around me again �" because I would never feel his lips on mine or because that smile would no longer be for me.

I sent the obligatory message �" can you just let me know if there is someone else.

I knew there wasn’t �" my fractured ego couldn’t bear the thought of him with another woman.

What if someone meant more to him than I did?

He messaged back �" there was no one else trust me.

A second message �" I mean it.

They arrived whilst I was upstairs brushing my teeth �" after he said he had gone to sleep and mere minutes after my pointless question.

I opened it and left it.

He hasn’t been online since.

Maybe I should reply but I don’t want to.

Can we be friends?