Armageddon -the Ben Nevis race

A description of how it feels to do the Ben Nevis race

Armagedon

(Also kent as the Ben race)

 

muckle Nevis o’ great thrustin’

stane an’ god knows what, burstin’

through my brain

and my balls

enthrals

An’ leaves me feart, calls ensue

tae my auld pal Donnie

biding in the Fort

Some might call it sport

but we ken better!

 

race day,

doon early to the field o’ do or die

we wander round and spy

old pals, veterans o’ the race

there’s no disgrace

in being feart!           (feart -afraid)

 

a nervous piss and we congregate

behind the pipes, skirling

round tae the start

a wee spiel, an’ we’re aff      (spiel - talk)

up the road,

‘seems easy’

‘just you wait’

we tell the newbies

elbies jostling

for position

 

noo we’re on the hill itsel’

tough

naked rock tough

on human flesh

frae toe to skull

 

goin’ up an up an bluidy up

baith world trade centres

an’ ye’re still only hauf way up!

but naebody can blow up the Ben!

Oh s**t!

 

S**t is

whit

the Ben runners dae before battle

like hieland sodjers o’ old

 

Knackering

up up up up

scree, jockeying

jostling for momentary advantage

rock piled on rock

frae sea tae summit

a hush enthrals

as leader Finlay free falls

past an we’re back tae oor ane wee hell

of thigh on burning thigh

jeely babies dribbling frae my mooth!

 

Bloody tourists clog

oor weary jog

f**k these ponsy walking poles

designed tae trip.

across the plateau tae the summit

O’ our dreams

now nightmares explode

think runnin’ doon a roof

a thousand feet wi’ anklebreaking rock

mud and loose s**t

oot tae bugger ye up

an’ spill blood

 

an’ then …..

another thousand feet o’ steep grass

the feared green wall o’ a*s

sliding panic

 a final tumble doon the rocks

and ye’re in the burn

an easy traverse

but there’s no rehearse….

fur whit comes next

each step fraught

an’ it canna be taught

doon the rocky minefield

o’ the lower path

 

if ye mak’ the road intact

a gentle wee mile

along the road awaits

ha!

and if ye want tae ken how that feels

ye’ll hae to dae the bluidy race!

 

later

much later

in the Nevis bar

things start to make some sense

(but not Joe!)

overguinnessed an

legless

Even lashing your back

wi’ knotted cord

made sense to some poor souls

but at least you ken you’re alive!

When ye run ‘the Ben’!

Reviews

[M.E.Lyle]

Ha! loved this. I've felt some of the pain of running. I've done the Cowtown marathon several time way back when. The Huelen St. bridge always got to me at 18 miles in. It was about 1/2 mile all up.
The obstacle courses are the most fun though.
I felt your pain, as you worked your way through this work. Great writing. Loved the dialect.
Mike.

[alanwgraham]

Thanks for going to the trouble to find this Mike. I've done the race 27 times now so I know every step and i must say it just wrote itself. It used to be called the toughest race in the world so perhaps that makes me the most stupid runner in the world. As i said - at least i know I'm alive! Interesting to hear of your own running - I'll check out the Cowtown.
Regards, Alan

[M.E.Lyle]

There is another race you might want to check out. It's called The Barkley Marathons (plural). It's by invite only. Only about 10 people have ever finished it in the past 25 years.
Cowtown is not an obstacle course. I may have given you the impression that it is.
I discovered obstacle races about 4 years ago. They're anywhere from 3.1 to however far they want to make them.
Have a great day.
P.S. I was looking for your "Conversation number 255, or something like that. Anyway, I couldn't find it. I stumbled onto this instead.

[alanwgraham]

I've checked out the Cowtown website Mike - looks fun! i have also seen the Barkley marathon films - incredible. I've done a few ultras and reckon I might have made three circuits of the Barkley. I'm glad these things are beyond me now.
Cheers,
Alan

[M.E.Lyle]

I doubt I could have completed one circuit. My daughter has done several ultras. I used to want to give it a try, but not anymore.

[Trisha Logan Hillery]

I really enjoyed reading your poem (twice!). I can so understand how you felt, at several points in the race. You def. put your heart and soul into both the race and the poem; thanks for pointing me to it. trish

[alanwgraham]

Thanks Trisha. Happy running!
Alan

[Gee]

Ahhhhhhhhhh,loved this.Reminds me of the first time I went up to meet my then girlfriend(now wife of 22 years)parents up in Dalry,Ayshire.Didn't have a clue what they were saying(I'm from Milton Keynes,southern softie)and I'd imagine many reading your "Scottish"will know how I felt that day.I actually did a stroll up a Monroe once,never again.It was freezing,miserable,and I fell into a burn.But,the real ale and craic afterwards made it all worthwhile.

[alanwgraham]

very kind of you and its never too late for another munro - by the way I've done 27 of these Ben races. Some do one and never want to see the bloody hill again, others get addicted!
Thanks again, Alan

[Gee]

You must be nuts,I struggle to run a bath.Hope you ain't got the weather that's giving us a good doing at present