The Thrifter

A whole chunk of days has passed since I have written anything. I believe the separation of the fingers to the keys has created somewhat of clarity… Who am I kidding? I don’t know anymore. I am sitting up here on my loft listening to my music, hoping to come up with some positive feedback. The thing is I realize I am blessed and I know I have plenty to be thankful for. I have so much that many would envy. I have a great father, a place to live. I have food in my belly. I have friends. But in times like this it’s almost like even on the sunniest days I just have this dark storm cloud covering me up. I hate this. I can’t move on. I really can’t. I know even more now after talking to a nice lady these last couple days. She is a sweet girl. She is beautiful, smart but she is not HER. I only want her. That’s what makes everything so hard. Because every girl I look at I say she is not her. I only want one. What was it about her that made me feel so hooked? It may have been her hair her smell her mind. I loved her brain the way she thought. I loved it until I realized just like her real life thrifting, she thrifted me. She picked me up off the shelf fell in love with my porcelain figure put it on her dresser for a while. Walked into her room observed the figure and loved it for a couple weeks. Then it became a bother. And she began to question why she even bought It in the first place. She is never home to see it. It’s a stupid old washed up figure to which she realized why someone got rid of it. So she took it back to the store stood in line for a bit and debated on taking it back. She got to the counter pushed it away with her head turned away and walked out, leaving it alone to be put back on the shelf.

This is the way I feel. I feel like that lonely figure. I feel used and thrifted I guess. I feel like the only reason I was purchased was to be looked at and pondered upon. What was my reason? I was just a figure. I had no impact. Why did she purchase something to throw it away again? I have so many questions and I just don’t know what to do.

I am not moving though. I can’t find the strength to move on or become someone else without her. I just want to be us again. But I know I can’t do that. I sat on the edge of that cliff and dove in and there was no coming back. Now I am just floating day in and day out waiting for someone with a life vest because her ship sailed and with it a huge windstorm tailed, taking her far away.

I will be sailing in a couple years. I hope after the completion of my three years here I will fly away to a far away state and get away. They say you can’t run away from your problems but I believe you can move away and rebuild and hide from them to an extent. I ran away once and it seemed to make them better. I will be gone away from her. It’s so hard when she is this close. And she wants to call me “Best Friend” and “Friend” and that is the worst part. I can’t handle that. And hugging goodnight instead of kissing her is so different. My arms have what my lips want and it’s just hard.

I would love to say that today this Tuesday August 21, 2012 I am doing better but unfortunately I am not, I hope in a couple weeks or days or even months I can report some good news. But for now I am just in a hole and am having trouble seeing the way out of this hole for a while waiting for a hand to pull me up, or a hand to pull me out of the ocean that I am just drifting in.

Albert

8.30.2012