I am ugly

Thoughts and dark humor about why I(and many other teenagers) find themselves asking the biggest question that nobody cares about.

I feel ugly; inside and outside of my own self. When you look at me, you are most likely to recognize my odd shape, my slouch, my slanted face, and my eyebrows that aggravate me more than they should. This is commonality among adolescent years, but this is not meant to be about anyone else. I feel ugly because of the lies I display to myself and the people around me, I am not a caring or kind person, to be quite honest, I am a f*****g b***h. I asses someone on their physical and mental attributes within minutes of meeting them and I tend to find everyone’s evil before I find their saving grace. I am not intelligent, I am not beautiful, I am not athletic, I am not a giver. I am selfish, I am possessive, I am jealous, and I sure as hell can’t write. My query for humanity is “how did I become the way I am?” is it in my genes, was it my childhood, or is it my inflated Bostonian ego? While I sit here after a not so terrible day, I should begin the true analysis in order to find out the question not one soul cares about but me, “why am I so ugly?”

I will breeze over my childhood, also known as your typical sob story. My parents got divorced when I was four, my dad was an alcoholic, I was nine years old suffering from body dysmorphia, and have had an on and off again relationship with GAD and depression. For being sixteen years old, this has been a lot. Although, I can’t necessarily blame my childhood for the question I am dying to know the conclusion to. My father’s addiction shouldn’t have a cause and effect when my friends go out drinking and partying. My mental state shouldn’t cause me to get paranoid over what everyone else thinks when they see me. This is getting morose. As touched on before, I am selfish. My throat feels like it’s disappearing inside my intestines when I see friends hanging out without me or when my forty four year old mother goes out for a night out. It’s ugly how possesive I am towards the people I call important to me. I don’t know why this happens but I don’t know how to stop it. I see people have a better time without me and I cannot blame them! I am analogous to dragging around a three year old who didn’t get the toy they wanted. Yet none of this explains the undenying truth.

Now that I have covered the internal ugliness, I can set the focal point on my physical appearance. Recently I have heard people my age use the term “glow up” but unfortunately for me, I look the exact same, minus the two inches I grew since fourth grade and the pounds that were shed since that time. I guess you could say my clothing choices have improved, but those can only do so much for some people. To put a visual into words, I am a cross between a Greek twelve year old boy who hasn’t quite hit his time yet and a thirty year old living in their parents’ basement while spending the majority of their day crying and playing solitaire. I am five foot, contain chocolate brown eyes that are too large for my miniature head, and the shortest legs ever. Truly, I don’t know how I haven’t fallen down due to this inconvenience. I have had a few boys tell me I am “cute” but I tend to have the feeling they just feel bad for me. Thankfully, my long thick hair does a great job of hiding my imperfections to the best of its ability. A missing piece to this puzzle would be that I am talentless. I have participated in over fifteen activities throughout my sixteen years of living, and have found zero sparks, With that said, I am a dancer but I assure you I do not fit the norm or the level of talent that my peers uphold. I am not sure why I am such a failure at life but it gets pretty ugly, especially on the outside.

It has been a few days since I started writing this work of art that is a detailed description of my ugly personality and facial features. I reflected, and I am able to say with confidence that nothing has changed. The silver lining of it all is that every person alive has felt “ugly”. Our largest critics are ourselves and that only augments as time goes on. Sometimes it feels like the world is moving ten miles faster than you are, and that will never change. I will always feel lesser than the female or male next to me. I cannot say that they will feel the same when next to me. This started with me trying to investigate on “why am I so ugly?” and my experiment failed. I can say that no matter how many awful events have happened or how much I show hatred towards my own body, I do not know why I am the way I am. Apparently it’s a commonality for teenagers to get answers from others, so if you can answer my question, let me know, how to fix this ugly piece of garbage.

Xoxo

Author's Note

Don't feel bad for me and my experiences! The way my life has been has been this way for a reason and I completely understand that! Have the best day ever and enjoy and correct this piece.