Fat is how I feel

I slowly walk towards the bathroom door

 my steps slowing down as I draw nearer

my heart beats faster

like I'm being 

chased,watched,stared at

I beg myself to turn around

and to break the vicious cycle

of starving and loathing

but still, I open the door and walk into hell

I see the mirror

the very object that has ruined my life

if not for mirrors I don't think I would be sick

but I am, and mirrors do exist

and as long as they do 

I am pretty sure I will still be sick

Before I examine my body that is never good enough

I examine my face

If not for the dark purple crescent moons under my eyes

that try their best to hide under makeup

I might be pretty, beautiful even

like a delicate doll that your never outgrow

my hair is long and to my waist

almost white it's so blonde

long weaving strands of the sun, with streaks of the clouds

it used to be pretty before it started falling out

my lips are cracked

moisture does not soothe them

because they are dried from the inside out

I have goosebumps that never go away

 because I am always cold

even in the summer

I am in a walking blizzard that seems

to have swallowed me up

and I cannot hide under layers of warm clothing

now I lift my shirt

my mind does not delay to criticize my stomach

if you would even still call it that

my skin hugs my ribs for dear life

by collarbones jut out

and my hipbones pop out of my skin as well,

like flowers blooming in the spring

but it will never be enough

so I let my over sized t-shirt fall to my legs

and I  look down at my thighs 

they are huge in my eyes

each the size of an ocean 

the space between them when my feet are together

is what keeps me going 

like all I amount to is the space between my thighs

the inches around my waist and arms

people tell me that I am too skinny

I wish I could see me like they see me

they do not understand though

they do not understand that I know I am skinny

but skinny is not what I feel

fat is what i feel, and that is what matters

Author's Note

I really like this one

Reviews

[Jennifer]

This is very well written.
You're really talented!

[Sydney Dreama]

I love this work! It really shows us what it it like to feel this way.
I hope that you as the writer did not feel this way about yourself.
Now without wanting to be rude I just wrote a story that has to deal with the same topic. It's called Here I Stand. Why I bring it up is because I wanted say that this topic means a lot to me.
And so does this poem.
Great work