drunken recollections

a drunken week in September.

drunken recollections

Saturday night

collectively buzzed out,  something buzzing in between the wall of my skull and the wall of my brain. I can feel everything waver around me, just whispering things.

i want to touch myself. i don’t really. i do, only because im so bored. i put something really big inside myself, not just two fingers or even three. i put this object inside myself and it consumed me. it tore me apart. I punched myself in the face dozens of times too. the alcohol doesn’t really make the room spin, it’s the blows to my head, from my own hand.

it’s dehumanizing. i dehumanize myself constantly, watching the cuts on my legs drip with blood and the bruises on my face deepen in colour. it doesn’t seem as if it is my face. i am not wholly here. i possess a certain detachment, a disassociation from my own body. i can feel the alcohol lingering in my brain and i want to light up my last cigarette. i might as well down the rest of this glass first.

i am collectively buzzed out, in the kind of collective not anybody could disappear into.

of course, I cannot generalize humanity by stating that some are able to slip into this kind of trance and some or not. i cannot collectively speak for all of the human race. a favourite song has come on the radio, so I am going to waver my wine glass around and probably light my last cigarette. i will regret this tomorrow.

i haven’t smoked it yet, I am putting it off really. i slid on my sunglasses and stuck my headphones in. the headphones block everything else out. i am collectively buzzed out and i could do anything. i am going to smash my own head in until the room spins. knocking myself out is probably a bad idea but theres something so satisfying about the pain, the pulse of my temples, a deep red pain distorting my eyes and my brain. the room glows before me and i could easily fall asleep. my wrists ache from where i hurt myself. my temples are ready to push my eyeballs out of their sockets. i feel dead. i feel like i need somebody to beat me senseless. i cant really think of another way out of this mindset.

i am collectively buzzed out, in the kind of way where my mind roars, the only place that could feel the real pain of my physical body. my head is ringing my eyes are steaming and i just cannot use the “e” key properly.

Sunday evening

i am on a groove. It is a wave, carrying my body through bright new colours. i wish to sweep myself into my cigarette, my newly born pack. it is unlit so far, and the glass of whiskey, coke and ginger beer sits further and further away from me. the shower curtain waves to me, shimmers along the edge of the bathroom. i felt like my insides, specifically my bladder, was about to explode moments ago but I’m fine now and considering to carry on drinking or light a cigarette or do both. nobody is talking to me, except the page in front. Makes sense to me.
I reached over to my glass but a cigarette is yet to appear. there is a rhythm echoing from the speakers and i really enjoy it, for it is sublime and I want to dance and love in California. I wanted to, but when I learnt that the lead singer died so young i began to quake and the ceiling dives in. i cannot feel the sides of my neck. the only thing that is keeping me connected is the laptop in front of me, otherwise i would have drifted away entirely.

i am on a groove. it is a warm room, I am going to loll my head back and forth until I smack my cheekbones against the stained carpet and decide now would be a good time for a cigarette. alright, i’m up to it now although I still feel like I wanna hurl. what is behind me does not exist. it is only this page in front of me.

i am drowning in the last bits of the whiskey and my fingers shake. i long for the boy that I always talk to but he must be asleep or something. something like that. nah nah nah I am wide awake, smoke in my nostrils, breathing fire into words like a dragon. I’m a f*****g dragon, b***h. I am on a groove, b***h.

Midday Monday

i am still light headed. When i knock myself into the temples a good few times with my fists i can see the world spin around me. i am gonna do it now. it’s a daze to do that, with your brain ringing from both sides. I got the idea from a girl who freaked out and did it at the mall. nawwww, I only do it at work or at home when im drunk. im not drunk at work ever though, maybe I should be. i keep burping and im worried Im gonna vomit but I don’t think im burping it’s more of a hiccup, I’m not opening my mouth. i had to put my cigarette out cuz it was finishing and that made me so sad. I have no weed too and my drink’s empty. maybe if I was eighteen these kinds of things would be a lot easier. the room is ringing in my ears, this fast paced music is controlling the speed of how I type. there are goddesses in front of me, but they are just paintings and the music keeps freezing. you can tell they are paintings because all their faces look the same.

i went and sat on the toilet for a total of four seconds before deciding i needed a shower I feel kind of sick as if im going to throw up, whereas I know im not, im just thinking this because im so unclean and i need to be clean som’i gonna shower.

i’m out of the shower and i feel steam fresh, very light headed, like lying upon the carpet to cool my flaming back. it really hurts, due to the pain.

i’m actually lying. i never lay on the carpet and i never even had a shower. i just pretended I did so i’d have something interesting to write about, still light headed.

Tuesday afternoon

i am smarting, but so is the screen against my eyes, almost smearing it’s digital interface upon my eyes. i want to look away and i want to write on paper but i guess i just needa be more drunk. there is something depression right now. maybe it’s the sound of the clacking keys (i want to move to another place in the room) or maybe it’s that Facebook page about police brutality in the United states. that kind of thing really depresses me. it’s not my own country, but i can see how it is similar to my own and the usa has a lodddddaaaah people living in it so it’s important too. it’s so horrible how they can be all brained washed like that and s**t. i liked the page, but it’s still so depressing. it’s not like we can just turn off our screens and pretend it isn’t there. I wish i could. i was considering driving off somewhere, far away from the realm of the internet but i don’t feel as if i could ever really achieve that. i’ve been addicted to the internet for a long time, smarting against it, i just feel a lot less lonely when im connected to something i know is bigger than me, greater, more important. one in which i can connect and smart with like-minded people but a lot’ve the time i don’t get this. i just end up crying with my laptop in my lap, over bruised babies and burning turtles on my newsfeed nshit. i don’t know why this kind of thing always shows up on my feed, maybe it’s telling me something as the screen smarts against my eyeballs, glittering and glowing and buzzing and numbing me, really. i’m dazing out at the screen, endlessly scrolling and trying hard not to fall asleep off my wooden chair. oh i’m gonna, i’m really gonna. i press my forehead onto the carpet and try to ignore my bladder and the scissors a few inches ahead of me.

there’s not a single expression on my face, for i am smarting.

Wednesday dead night

a dead face against the night, i am crawled against the edge of my imaginary car and crying out to the stars above. i want to be this way, i want to look out to the stars above. this is all make believe, a magical knighthood and i take glimpses at the f*****g blaring ceiling lights and the ugly stained carpets rather than the actual night. it’s pretty disgusting, and i don’t like being in this enclosed room. i need my thoughts to drift out, further than this room, into the universe above me. i want to be rolling on the countryside rather than stuck here but all I receive is the bleep of a facebook message and I am f*****g stuck. it’s alright I guess, Hungry like the Wolf is playing on my radio. my temples still act like a dead face against the night, lightly tapping me where it hurts the most but i can’t even remember actually hurting myself. this glass is empty! I want more, I am gonna drown myself in it! click click clicccckkkkk i can’t un-distract myself from the internet!

the internet and this weed has given me a real deep sadness. almost like a trigger. it’s almost like a trigger. everything is a trigger in my mind and once i think of it the thought will never go away unless i slice myself up right now. should i tell somebody? i kind of don’t want to because im such a terrible input to everybody’s life nah i feel stupid, i feel like an idiot and i feel like slicing myself up as i listen to this groovy music. i f*****g hate Wednesdays, they kill me every time. my stomach feels ill, a deadweight against my body, my ribcage tight, lowering me to the ground. like i haven’t sliced myself up yet but i will pretty soon if somebody doesn’t stop me and the weed doesn’t get too heavy and i decide to light a cigarette. i just can’t think

and then “What I Got” comes on the f*****g radio and I cant help but smile now. I cant help but let the wave of happiness splash the bottoms of my feet, licking my legs. iI can’t help it. I’m f*****g smiling

nah im cool now

this song is so f*****g deserving, like you can feel your whole self a part of this song and it’s so beautiful because i listened to it over and over but it just came on the radio and the song was what made me happier earlier this week and got me into a real groovy sound, a collective buzz, a light head, a smarting a f*****g groove. remember that?

the song helped me to feel better but it’s gone now so altho i might slip back into ferality but that’s cool i’ll just have a cigarette.

an ill-fitting Thursday

omg omg it’s Thursday it really doesn’t feel like one. Thursdays never feel like one and i love the way this boy clenches his jaw and when he’s really into it his mouth opens like an “asssh” kind of noise it’s f****n great.

Anyway im near asleep cuz my mother calls me to tell me that it’s daylight savings and we’ve all lost an hour so i should go to bed earlier but idgaf i ignore these daylight savings bullshit mayyyn how can u pretend they are real? it’s just an hour. it’s just a clock. it’s just time, it makes no difference. the smoke eases out of my jaws and feels so f*****g nice. wow a good song just came on I feel so apart from everyone else they can all just f**k off I closed Facebook before writing a status omg omg it’s Thursday, an ill-fitting Thursday don’t feel like 1. jk i actually wrote that down before i wrote the status I’m a liar.

Friday night

all I can see is a burning paper now, just burning

I have burned out a total of 3 cigarettes on my wrists. i can still feel the steady sting upon the wretched arm. i feel it tormenting me. it’s this; moment in which i could really kill myself. i could drag my knuckles across the concrete I could throw myself into this nearby fence. i could honestly, honestly die.

there is no hope for me, as I will always be this way, clutching upon the nearest notebook. the pure refrain to end my life will consume me.

i will dangle on the edges, and no one will save me

they will get tired of holding on, and tired of reading my writing, tired of reading my drunken recollections. 

 

Posted: Saturday 27th September at 5:01am