sinking

Ayo.. maybe I do need a life preserver..

I don’t feel like shattered glass 

or sharp 

or shiny.

My heart, akin to scrap metal.

An old dull soup can,

sinks deeper and deeper into the ocean

the pressure, crushing, slowly slowly.

Soon the can will have no room inside it for anything but,

Savage current 

and will sink faster and faster until it hits the bottom 

and nobody will ever see it again. 

I can almost feel it--

so, so heavy, 

full of seawater and sand, 

edges crinkled and embedded sunken into my skin, 

just shrapnel impaled puffy in the center of my chest, 

pressing against my back on the opposite side 

like a child’s finger stretching and ripping through plastic wrap. 

But from a tin can,

has been pulled an iron bar, 

and instead of four pounds it’s forty-five 

and my heart isn’t what’s sinking but my entire body 

and I don’t have the strength to move my legs 

and my nose is barely poking above the water 

and with every wave my throat burns and I choke 

and grow eternally heavier 

and wonder how is this even possible 

and plead, WAS LIFE EVER WORTH THIS? 

Is a future worth this? 

And if somebody looks at me curiously 

Or asks if I’m alright, 

from my lungs I squeeze out a little more air and bubble, 

“Yep! Don’t mind me, haha I’m just a lousy swimmer, 

but I’ll make it to shore like anyone else.” 

And they float by, 

chuckle or roll their eyes or look on in amazement like, 

“Wow, I could never succeed if I tried doing it your way.” 

AND of course you couldn’t, 

I CAN’T, 

I’M NOT doing it--

why do you think I’m so different from you?

Please, please, please 

I need help.

why can’t you see 

that I’m drowning I’m drowning I’m drowning. 

Author's Note

February 3, 2021 at 5:15pm

I can assure folks that, at present, I'm feeling much better. If anyone can currently relate to this writing— there's not much I can say to make it better, but— I love you! Though the way you're feeling at present may seem eternal, at some point, what went down will come up.

Reviews

[Jargyn]

"I can almost feel it�"
so, so heavy,
full of seawater and sand,
edges crinkled and embedded sunken into my skin,
just shrapnel impaled puffy in the center of my chest,
pressing against my back on the opposite side
like a child’s finger stretching and ripping through plastic wrap."
ahhh! I felt this so heavily as I read it. I imagined the feeling of wet, heavy sand weighing in your hand but was able to very naturally apply it to my throat, chest, heart, sinking.. and then the flash of drowning sends the desperate tingles of spasm to your limbs as your desperately flail to the surface and take a choked breath, weighing back down to the start.

And also the introduction just the entire idea of a can sinking in the ocean is an image I can parse so clearly and the transition it takes into becoming you drowning is just so natural and the whole thing is just so cohesive and nice and ah lovely job man something about your writing I am able to enjoy so thoroughly it is just very nice and I like the route you take for them.

[Allie Esora]

Truly, thank you so so much for the feedback! I love hearing how things in my brain look/feel from other people's perspectives-- lmao if that makes sense? You're the best :)

[Jargyn]

haha no I know what you mean that is what I love about this site is when people take something from a work and then elaborate on it in a way you would never have expected. I'm glad if I was able to do that here!