Me, Myself, And Yoki

how much do you really know how you feel ?

Me, Myself, And Yoki 

I always wanted to write something, not for me but for the people who will stumble upon this, in hopes of teaching people something useful.

This is a story about a girl, a very emotional and hurt girl. Ever since I knew her all I knew was her pain and suffering, I guess that one of the "perks" of having a childhood friend for such a long time. You just become one with them, you already know what their going to say before they say it, and you already know what mood their in before they even say hello. Well it's like that for me, ever since I knew myself, I knew her. Not always was it fun and happy being around her if anything most times I felt like I was suffocating from her, I just wanted to run away from her and go back home but I couldn’t. 

Her name is Yoki Itami, she is my neighbors / sister / childhood best friend. I loved her , or maybe I just hated her and just didn’t want to tell anyone , I just went with the flow and acted my part when I needed. As I said earlier she really wasn’t the most happiest people in the world if anything I mostly remember her sad and angry face. She was always frowning as if she was frowning to the world that messed her up, to the world that let her down so much, to the world the hurt her so much. 

Most of the time I would try to find a way to run away from, I didn’t really like being with her , so id go watch tv or play alone in my room, but no matter how hard I tried I always knew that the second I open the door to my room she will be standing there, you can't run away from her. When I would finally decide to be with her she would always tell me what was going on in her life and how she felt as time past I already knew what was going on in her home without her even telling me. How you ask? Well simple, our houses were connected so her room was on the other side of mine and every night I would hear her scream and cry to herself , it hurt me but I couldn’t save her, I couldn't help her, I didn't want to because if I would confront her pain and try to help her (even though I couldn’t help her for s**t) then I would also feel her pain and I couldn’t do that, I couldn’t handle any pain , I didn’t want to, all I wanted was to be happy. 

When she was young , well I hardly even remember myself, but if I remember anything about her it was that she was a completely different person then who she is right now. I remember playing with her when I was about 4 years old and she always had a smile on her face I had fun with her every day I would see her and that was just amazing.  

She had loving parent and till this day from my point of view they really are really a great bunch, but I guess you can't judge a book by its cover. It all started when she was a little older when her brain started to work and she become a part of the family, that was when everything began. I was in my room on a sunny day when I heard screams and cries from the other side of the wall, it was not a typical scream like when your surprised or like when your test scores are lower than 50. These cries were hysterical cries of a girl that just lost something really important and can never get it back. I wanted to help her but I was to scared, I wasn’t used to my life was so normal that something a little unsettling would be like a danger sign to me, so I didn’t do anything accept to plugging my ears from the screams. Ever since that day I would hear every night and day screaming and crying from the otherside of the wall but I learnt to ignore them. That way every time I would see her I could act as natural as possible. 

As time passed I would see her less and everytime I would see her, her face would look more and more hurt. I didn’t know back then what was going on , only now after years and years do I know a little about how she felt and what she had gone through.  

 Yoki loved the world she loved everyone and everything alive and dead. But by the time you would see the smile running from her face and dark circles and her eyes replacing the brightness on her face. she had gone through a lot , for starters I guess you could say that she was alone, all alone her whole life, she never spoke because there was no one to speak to, she was always angry at her parents and people in general for not listening to her. She was aggravated because she was hurt so much by the people she loved the most , by the people she considered her life guardians that soon become the ones that ruined her completely.  

she hated herself for being so weak she couldn’t do anything and nobody cared for her , nobody loved her. She felt abandoned by the people who brought her to this world and she hated them the most. I would always tell her not to get mad, that her parents were doing their best for her, but she couldn’t listen to me, she was too busy dealing with the wounds that were left open. She felt abused like she didn’t matter and she grew believing like that was what she really is, a person that should be abused. She came to like the abuse , its all she knew, its all she saw, its all she learnt and felt so as usual she went with the flow with no control over her own life. She came to like the pain and abuse people inflicted on her she felt like the only way she can be loved is by abuse and pain and suffering. It really is sad that that’s all she knew , I tried many times to talk to her, to tell her that you can be loved in different ways , but she didn’t listen, no , she couldn’t listen. But I I was against her way of life and thinking, I guess that was the start of my dislike towards her.   

Yoki never really had friends accept for me, she was like a container of everyone's feelings yet she was with no one. So that’s how she grew up haiting everyone and anything even life itself. She was always so alone and so ignored I think that she was hurt mostly because of me, because I ignored her the most, I really was and still am I really cruel person , but I had to , so that I can maintain a normal life I had to move on in life even if that meant to leave her behind. And that was probably the first mistake I  made that ruined her life. 

All alone in this fucked up cold cruel hurt world she lived continuously being abuse and hurt and abandoned and ignored and looked down upon and failing and falling aggression and aggravation and anger and resentment. She looked herself away from her parents and from people , from the world and even me. For a long time I thought that she died while I continued my own crappy life, I thought to myself that she probably couldn't handle it, it made sense to me. There were times in my life that even I wanted to kill myself, but thankfully it didn’t work out 

After years i found her in a dark and deep hole in the ground, I tried to reach to her but she wouldn’t take my hand. Not until I promised that this time I wouldn’t leave her. Now she is with me but she is no longer the person that I knew, she is no longer the Yoki that loved people anymore , she was no longer Yoki. She doesn’t speak to me even when I try, all I can do is open the door to her room and watch her stare at me with hateful eyes as if she was hating the world and me through the glare she had on me. She looks so hard to reach maybe even impossible, but I guess I deserve this behavior, because even I didn’t really love her, but now I was trying to love her. 

But I was too late, she was gone her mind was  gone her heart long lost. Now all I can see is an empty shell, eyes that don’t reflect anything at all, just nothingness. 

In Japanese the word Yoki and Itami have a translation , for you the reader I am sure it will help in understanding who she is. As of today I hold her hand I know who she is and what she had gone through and little by little I fighting a battle to accept her and love her for who she is. Maybe if I alone would accept her and love her this wouldn’t happen. Maybe if I alone would listen to her then maybe, just maybe I could save her soul, my soul. 

I have  learnt to listen to myself, to care for myself, to face myself because I can never really run away from myself, to love myself even though I know that I will never love myself completely , because I know that what hurt the most was that I was not there for myself, that I was the one who abandoned myself. Never again will I shackle my heart with my hand again. I am me and the person inside me Yoki , I am me and Yoki. 

Author's Note

I'm sorry if their are any spelling or grammar mistakes , I'm not really good with these things. thank you very much for reading this and i hope you learnt a little something from it

SPOILER ALERT



for those of you who didn't understand , my friend Yoki is me inside and what she when through is a symbol to what I went through in life, of course only included the tip of the iceberg what I had gone through but you get the point.