To My Friends

You can't help but think,
"She's a mess, she's crazy."
Another bad decision, another mistake
...added to the tally.
My name on your phone,
50/50 that I'm crying again.
A video call full of tears again.
A little piece of my heart, ground into dust again.

I'm beginning to wonder if
I'm addicted to the pain.
The frenzy in my brain,
going a little more insane.
Because I
CAN'T change.
I'm deranged.

But you know me
beneath this dirty surface.
Beneath the broken spirit
and bruised confidence.
You know my laugh,
when it's genuine.
I make you smile,
and it makes me smile.

So just laugh with me
when I have the energy to laugh.
And let me cry,
which is more often than not.
And let me fall for the same
BULLSHIT.
LIES.
Over again.
Because maybe
one of these days,
someone will love me again.