Remembering

Running backwards through time
In my mind
I arrive at that place
A drink upon the table
A drink I am too young to drink
My cousin, my guardian, flits idly by
Fawning in the adoration and attention
Of others

So to you I am bound
Floppy haired, young Mayall
I am drawn to you, your fatherly youth
“Drink it down” you say
The golden tonic
“It’ll make you feel better” you say
“We are business men on business
Come with us on our journey
We offer only FUN!”

“We stay in a palace” you say, a promise of a party, a glittering affair
Of music and bodies and excitement

Fleshless fresh, I agree to follow
No other option, it seems, in my youth
A youth that relegates my voice to
Less important
Less interesting
Irrelevant.
So we go. We follow.

Through the night
Into the light
Through the dark brown wood entrance
Past the mirrors of the lobby
To the fortress of reception; the knowing glares of the staff beyond.
And they must know as they give you the key.
They must know I am merely a child.
Not complicit. Naïve.

Along the maze we run; along corridors
Passages & escalators
The lift slamming shut as my heart pounds
And I realise mutely: we are all alone
In that maze.
Those brown wood corridors
The mirrored halls
Each unrecognisable from the last
Suffocating and glistening all at once.

Into the room you pull me
Anticipating and fearful and alone
“Where is she?” “Where are they?” I ask
A final furtive bleat
Realising my fate,
But too late.

Afterwards, in the bloodless reality of what you did
I am left, only, with “why?”
Why did I not scream louder?
Why did I not run?
Or punch? Or fight?
Why did I submit?

Because that fight I did not fight
That scream I did not scream
That submission I conceded

Is all you’ve left me with
Is all I can taste, immobile on my tongue
Is all that haunts me
Is all I relive