Twenty One

growing up is crazy

Over exaggerated, over worked, over dramatic

but there's no other way I'd rather live

every moment when we think "this is it"

every moment when we could've sworn 

we had it all figured out

there are streaks of red in my eyes 

and I look around at these friends of mine

and life moves so quickly 

we can't stop laughing 

fleeting moments of nothing but happy

wont you hold on?

 

the sting of the needle I put against my skin

I give myself a tattoo

I was so proud of it 

obsessed with my Aries personality 

and me and friends feign creativity 

a weird mix of earth, fire, water, and air 

nothing is right, and nothing is fair

with tears in our eyes we'll say we don't care

won't you hold on, hold on for me?

 

the needle pokes through my earlobe

I didn't feel it 

after a few drinks 

bravery is naive 

and it's faked, but that's okay

we live off it anyway

and we lived in dreams 

we still pretend there's nothing we can't reach

and won’t you hold on, for me?

 

we ran down the hallway 

and they all look the same 

but we got out safe

she drives us downtown 

and it feels different to me now

started out here when I was sixteen

and here I am now at twenty-one

and it's hard to think back to who I used to be 

hoping she can hold on, hold onto me 

 

I cried at the kitchen table

my tears filled the silence that hasn't left since I was fifteen 

their arms came around me 

and I felt the loss of a persona I had put on for so long

it's gone, and I had to face who I really am

I knew she was there

she was bound to come to life sometime 

praying she can hold on, hold on for me 

 

He told me he loved me

although it was much too early

and I couldn't connect with him after it was over

he was far older 

but not wiser no, just more lost 

it was then that I learned how being young can be 

crippling, damaging, one of the scariest things 

nonetheless, it was something that followed me for a few months 

but not the way I thought it would 

pray it won't hold on, hold onto me 

 

This is twenty-one

the fear, the doubts I had never experienced before 

the kind that that you can't really ignore

talking about a life that actually starts

after working so hard to get here 

now we actually have to think about what comes next 

and I pray we can hold on, hold on to these memories

 

this age is weird,

on one side people keep telling me not to rush it now

on the other, they tell me I should have this down 

don't know which to believe

so, I decided to listen to myself instead 

and this is the happiest I've ever been 

I don't know if it ever felt this real 

Hoping I can hold onto this 

 

issues I didn't think we're there

pushing people away to see if they'd come back

fixing others to fix myself

but that never worked, and I learned the hard way

I became cold but that's not who I am

too scared to love so I would pretend 

and give out love I hadn't given myself yet 

I need to hold onto it, hold on

 

now it's cold but it hasn't snowed

and for the first time I don't feel alone

they'll call it selfish

but I then again, I left for a reason

to take of myself, to find an identity 

not made up of perceptions of me

outside of their beliefs

I am finally holding on, holding onto me