Scattered

violent storms became the norm 

what if I cried tears made of hope?

what if every dark corner became heaven?

what if I saw beauty in scars lined up on my body

from every clumsy fall they picked me up from? 

what if I painted myself the colors I always hated?

what if I took control of everybody I let enter mine?

trying to find solace in the most violating of things

for me 

looking for something meaningful in meaningless things

can’t bear to see myself cling onto something that burns 

like feet on sidewalks in Phoenix heat 

I ran to the shade

it was so easy to escape

what if I collapsed into something unrecognizable?

someone who could hurt anyone?

who could flip cars threatening to run her over

from the street her limp body rose

I hope you see me on every empty road 

when did I become a ghost?

do you remember our laughs?

how our chests would flutter like wings?

shake and echo with a fleeting kind of melody?

so much of what I let in and came to love was temporary 

every relationship that was meant to be 

a part of my fingerprints 

a part of my aching hips

a part of something I couldn’t even begin to understand or fix

I remember building your ego like building blocks

I was a rule you broke 

something you couldn’t ever really know 

but you jumped at every knock

christmas lights light up the streets 

teenage years spent here

there are days I wish I didn’t remember your face

wish you’d never been here to blame 

someone with no name 

scattered, so scattered 

my heartbroken brain