My Fair Cleaning Lady

A modern comedic twist on the classic story of My Fair Lady, or Pygmalion by George Bernard Shaw.

Henry Higgins, a tall stately man of thirty-six, straightened his three hundred dollar three button down suite and examined his hair in the tall polished mirror, making sure every strand was in its perfect place.  He glanced down and noticed that his oxfords had a small mark on them and he encumbered himself enough to lean down and clean it himself.  

There, he was complete and professional looking, and if he did say so himself, strikingly handsome.  His blue eyes twinkled as he made his way to his stainless steel kitchen and pulled out a tall container of Naked Juice which he was in the habit of consuming every morning and was in the midst of downing the entire glass when it came to his attention the familiar sound of a vacuum not far off in his apartment.  It did not take him long to remember that he had fired his cleaning lady a few weeks ago.  It then also struck him that he had called the new cleaning business downtown, Pygmalion's he thought it was and ordered a new one.  This must be her.  

He straightened his suite once more and walked elegantly into the living room where the noise was emanating from.  When he entered he was amused to find a rather short, plump, sweet looking Hispanic woman who merrily vacuumed away with an iPod in her ears, lip singing words Higgins didn't understand. 

"Excuse me." he waved his hand to get her attention.  She only responded with a strange gyration of her hips, he thought he could actually hear her singing over the sound of the vacuum. 

"Excuse me!" he called louder.  He stepped into her vision just enough for her to see his tall being; she blushed a bright crimson at what he had most likely seen.

"Lo siento. No te había visto!"  She exclaimed very quickly.  Then silently looked at him, her features reflecting a guilty but mischievous expression. 

"I'm sorry I don't understand what that means." he replied. "but you must be the new cleaning lady.  Liza right?" He extended his hand in a friendly manner.  She only eyed it strangely.

"La pluma?" she asked.

"What?"

"La pluma?" she reached into her apron pocket and pulled out a pen and placed it into his extended hand.  He couldn't help but laugh at it, but refrained when he noticed her blank expression.  She didn't understand.  He decided to try again.

"Liza right?"

This she did understand, she pointed to herself and grinned from ear to ear showing off her perfect set of teeth.

"Me Llamo Liza Doolittle."

"Liza Doolittle?" he asked.  She nodded in assent.

"Doolittle.  Well isn't that ironic." he chuckled to himself.

"Will you please, Liza, show me what all you have done so far?" she still did not understand, and it took a whole five minutes of hand motions and gestures for Higgins to get his point across in which she showed him everything she had done.  He motioned to ask her how long she had been working.

"Una Hora." Higgins looked about him, he was clearly impressed, and he couldn't help being so for in that one hour she had worked she had cleaned, straightened, and organized everything exactly to his queer specifications and it pleased his obsessive compulsive nature.  A strange thought passed through his mind.  He had recently come to the realization that he was in need of an assistant.  She did not need to be overly qualified, just someone who could set up his calls, keep things clean and organized and fetch him things.  When he turned towards Liza and saw her standing by the door smiling, excited that he was pleased with her work, he decided right then that she should be his assistant.  But before he could introduce her into the corporate world he needed to make her look far more presentable and, frankly, understandable. 

"Would you like to come work for my company as my assistant?" he asked, she didn't move only stood by the door smiling even wider certain that he was still spouting off words of affirmation about her job well done. 

Higgins was able to promote his offer using Google Translate and more hand gestures and with relief, watched as understanding flooded Liza's thoughtful eyes and her vivacity in which she nodded her head in assent. 

A week later began the training.  Higgins took her to the great Mall of America to help her pick out some business looking suites.  It took them some time but finally were able to piece together six whole outfits from Von Maur.  He even went as far as to let her get her hair and nails done from his expense, and she couldn't thank him enough. 

A week after became the breaking of the language barrier, in which for an entire five moths straight, he tried to teach her and acquire her understanding of the technical business terms, their meanings, and English itself.  She was very quick to learn, but even so he was still very impatient to teach.  One evening he became so upset because she forgot the exact meaning of stock options that he threw a pillow, raised his voice, and waltzed out of the room.  But despite all the difficulties Liza Doolittle was finally ready for her first appearance in Shaw's Corporate Media as Henry Higgins's newest assistant.  She worked so diligently and tried so hard to please Higgins but for some unknown reason he became so impatient with her.

"Fetch me this, fetch me that.  You're to slow!  Wrong call!" she would mimic and complain to her friends.  One day Higgins became so brutal towards his little friend that on this particular morning he came into work and found a note scribbled in Liza's neat and new English hand,

 

Dear Mr. Higgins,

Unfortunately I have found a new placement as executive assistant under your very own boss.  Luckily for you I will try not to influence his opinion of you and will try not to pull out to much of your negativities to light.  Can't make too many promises though, although I must thank you for making me into who I am, because a month ago I found revenge to be beneath me, now I'm not so sure.

Yours Truly,

Your Cleaning Lady

Reviews

[She With Eyes Like Unsh..]

Wow, I found this a really interesting short story. I love your writing!