Self-absorbed.

Just some thoughts I thought I'd write down to help me understand them. And then put on the internet for no apparent reason.

   You are self-absorbed.

   You say you want to look after her. You want to make her soup when she is sad. You want her to cry on your shoulder. You want to be the reason she cries. You want her to be like you were. You want her to feel what you felt, all those years ago.

   You want her to need you. It's the same old story. You are self-absorbed. When you have the slightest inclination towards the idea that somebody wants you, you want them to need you. You always want more. You are greedy. You desire her clinginess yet cannot stand clinginess in others. You cannot stand your own.

   You cannot stand yourself, yet you are so, so far up your own arse! She doesn't want you. Not anymore. You don't really want her at all, yet you can't get enough. You scour her every phrase, searching for what? Searching for any trace of you. You try to find yourself in other people's lives. In her life. You don't want her. You want you.

   You are self-absorbed. You want to mean something. You are that self-riteous. You want to mean something to someone. You have reached the stage where anyone will do. You do not love her. You love you. The only part of her that you love is her interest in you. You try to be repulsed by her. You pretend.

   You are hooked on it - hooked on her lust for you. It's not mutual. But it makes a difference to have somebody else lusting after you for a change. You are self-absorbed.

Author's Note

I can't imagine there's much to say about it, but do say what you can. Thank you.

Reviews

[Confidential]

The level of repetition really solidifies the idea of scorning and judgemental nature the piece shows towards 'you'. Perhaps it is an address to oneself in the third-person to make the feeling of self-loathing feel less acute. Of course, it's far from perfect, but flows rather nicely and is a worthwhile read nonetheless. Excellent job.

Respect,
-Confidential

[Elijah J.]

I like this...mostly because I can relate. A lot.

It's beautiful.

Eli.