Sunset of Dripping Candlewax

Sunshine fugitive runs away,

melts old bay to purple shivers,

fire alarms, horns of drunk conversation

blare behind thin surfaces.

We'll make time for time

underneath a rustier sun

with beams of sharp rock candy

Tomorrow's stars will bloom from the seeds

we planted in each others tongues and ribs and souls.

Bright against the raging night of your heart.

Reviews

[flickering candle]

"Tomorrow's stars will bloom from the seeds
we planted in each others tongues and ribs and souls.
Bright against the raging night of your heart."

so beautiful

[Nadia B.]

I have not read such an incredible title before for a poem! Even if you wrote that one line for the poem I would have been impressed. I really liked your poem, but unfortunately I got a little confused from "sharp rock candy" onwards. How exactly do sun's rays portray sharp rock candy? Also the line "Tomorrow's stars will bloom from the seeds we planted," is so powerful but then you talk about them being planted in a person's body parts, and I was not able to see the relation, even though it did tie into your last line. Please don't change the original but maybe just play a little bit to clarify the imagery of how suns rays are like sharp rock candy and how stars can bloom from the seeds of body parts such as the tongues, ribs, and souls. Nevertheless I loved the Picasso with a hint of Van Gogh imagery of your poem that you created, excellent job, thanks for sharing! Please keep writing!

[Anthony J]

Thank you for the constructive criticism! I changed the rock candy bit. I think that line was just a case of sacrificing meaning for an image that I thought was cool, and I'm glad you brought attention to it. The part about the stars is meant to bring the scene of a darkening sky into a more personal context, so I think I'll keep that line. It's a little bit bizarre but I think I like it. But I'm really glad that you reviewed!! Thanks again!!

[Nadia B.]

I appreciate how well you took my suggestions, but I admit I preferred "sharp rock candy", ...maybe "sharp stretched candy" would add to the imagery you wanted and keep the words you used? I also thought it was cool to think of the sun's rays as rock candy, it was unique! Thanks for clearing my mind about the sky, I really do like the lines you used, and I like how personal you make the stars, that they are a part of us, not just way up there somewhere in the sky. You really did an amazing job with this poem, and the slightly bizarre bits is what gives your poem character, seriously please don't change it, I really like ur original work!

[Anthony J]

Yeah I think I'll change it back. The line i changed is closer to the meaning I meant to portray, but I think i just like that image so much that its worth making it harder to understand lol

[Nadia B.]

Haha go you! Its good to be confident and stand up for what you write, to challenge the reader and move them to see things in ways they normally wouldn't have seen. Thats what makes a poet! ^_^