Trying - Tried - Done

Tip-toeing in circles,

Right back to the beginning.

Messing things up again,

This is how we'll be ending.

I make many mistakes,

And I never learn my lesson.

I feel like I'm trapped.

My mind is a prison.

I'm spiraling, falling.

I am stuck here in hell.

Nothing's getting better.

My thoughts are never swell.

My dreams are of crimson,

My life is of coal.

Just getting to tin

Would be my life goal.

I'm trying to get better-

-I'm trying for you.

But at this rate it's going

You'll just have to make do.

Reviews

[Somebrownnerd]

Clever poetry, my favorite stanza would have to be:

I make many mistakes,
And I never learn my lesson.
I feel like I'm trapped.
My mind is a prison.

I reminds of that Einstein quote: "The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results".

Great read, i really enjoyed it . Looking forward to reading more of your work.

[Apatheia]

Thank you very much. it also reminds me of that

[Coyote Poetry]

Sometime making do is all we can do. Good thoughts in the poem and I could feel the struggle to know peace and happiness again. Thank you for sharing the excellent poem.
Coyote

[Androglossia]

Our minds are like locked rooms which only us hold the key. We allow ourselves to dwell inside of it because we want it. We ask questions repeatedly and never dared to seek for answers because the truth is "we" are the answer. Only when we are tired do we decide to get out of it. This is a very tricky write. You have a good literary technique that goes beyond the simple and evident intention of words or actions. Well done.

[Ees]

First stanza, right off, I am in love! So perfect, the feeling of tip toeing literally and the so familiar the feeling of backtracking and continuously messing things up. At least I am familiar with that feeling!

In the line:
"I feel like I'm trapped."- you may want to think about trying just-
"I feel trapped". Would that not be a little bit more solid sounding? It would match the following line better.

in the line:
"My thoughts are never swell."
The line isn't bad, but use of the word "swell" sounds a little cheesy, might you consider:
My thoughts don't bode well?... or something, you know? I was trying to find a different rhyme....

The next stanza is very nice.

The last stanza is fantastic! I like the essence contained within it! and it shows that you just might learn... eventually! haha.
I do have a suggestion for the second to last line though, just a small one-
you have:
"But at this rate it's going"
but the "this" might work better as a "the".

overall, I love this poem so much! It is fantastic and has a nice feeling and a nice ending too!

[Apatheia]

Thank you very much. :D I'm glad you enjoyed it! Thank you for the advice, I was having a kinda blank-minded day then, if that makes any sense. :P

[Ees]

Everyone gets blank-minded days.

[Steven Cash]

I am really beginning to love your writing. I will definitely subscribe and all that jazz

You really are good, no, great at this

for some reason the line 'My Mind Is A Prison' struck a chord deep inside of me

Very well done

[Apatheia]

Thank you so much, I'm glad you liked it. :)

[Daliah Valley]

Wow. I love the examples. They put the poem to life. I especially love the fourth stanza. It's beautiful.

[eatmills]

My thought are never swell. loeffinl. Leave it to a sister to make you use the word swell.

Edit: And I never learn my lesson- I would take the "and" out. I found that the word interrupted the flow.

I enjoyed the write. nice work.

[Apatheia]

I know, right? :P thank you very much.

[x_ranger]

Self deprication in poetry...is there really a better way to express your true self? I doubt it. Well put.

[Apatheia]

Thank you

[tamsin]

Great use of discription the prison, coal and tin all giving the reader the feeling of being trapped, of dirt getting under your fingernails.

[Apatheia]

Thank you so much. :)

[b.platte]

Easy to read, good flow. :)

I liked the whole coal and tin idea. That was pretty clever. I actually think that was my favorite stanza. This poem was very good.

One thing that I didn't like was 'my thoughts are never swell'. It felt like a forced line to make it rhyme. I'm guilty of this all the time. The word swell doesn't fit into the poem for me, personally. It's all pretty and sorta elegant and then 'swell' is thrown in there in that context and I'm like, 'hmm. well i'm just gonna pretend it didn't say that'.

I also loved this:

'Tip-toeing in circles,
Right back to the beginning'

It's probably cheesy that I picked out the first two lines, but those first two lines were pretty great :)

[Apatheia]

Thank you :) and i kinda did through it in there. I asked my sister a word that rhymes with hell and she said swell so I went with it. :P Thanks for reading.

[Apatheia]

*throw

[b.platte]

I probably would have taken the first sentence, about falling and used that as an excuse to incorporate 'fell' in there.

But, it doesn't take away from the affect of the poem so its no biggie :)