What to do if you crash land your spaceship in England

Step one:

Exit the space craft from the nearest exit,

Leave any unimportant belongings behind,

Regardless of their worth,

And stand at least half a mile away from the crash site.

Ignore the flames,

They are typical of a crash site,

And will likely fizzle out on their own.

It might be worth notifying the authorities,

To do so, please call 999,

Inform them of your location using GPS if possible,

But beware they likely only speak English,

Which could be highly inconvenient.

 

Step two:

Take a moment to gather your thoughts,

And go and grab a cup of tea.

It is advised to go to a regional tea shop,

But a cafe will suffice if one is not available.

Be warned these places are like witch doctors,

And so, the medicine must be used with caution.

It is widely believed across this alien land,

That a cuppa will cure all ills.

Whether this is emotional or physical ills,

Well that’s unsure to many,

But add too much milk and…

Well the locals are known to pounce.

 

Step three:

Take note of the weather.

The rain falls precisely 100% of the time,

Or near enough to that.

It is customary to comment on this,

So the following phrases might be useful:

‘Miserable outside, innit?’,

'It's really coming down out there', and

‘It’s raining cats and dogs!’

This is not meant literally though!

If it does literally rain cats and dogs during your visit

DO NOT consume!

Many animals are treated for fleas,

And therefore, lack proper seasoning.

 

Step four:

Complain about Europeans taking your job.

Unusual, I know.

Especially considering you don’t have a job here,

But believe me,

That’s because of the EU!

Failing to do so will lead to societal rejection,

And vilification for not being aware

Of the local lands real problems.

But it’s okay,

This does not make you racist!

 

Step five:

Learn to use sarcasm…

Reviews

[alanwgraham]

Very good. Your device of using aliens from their crashed space ship to comment on our way of life and prejudices works in a gently humorous way. It can be quite difficult to recognise our own often irrational behaviour.
Just one line I find hard to read is ' of the local lands.....' I do appreciate reading something a bit different.
Regards,
Alan

[Armistead Lindsey]

The decision to use local lands was intentional, everything of focus lately has been local this and that etc while forgetting that the foundation of England is not local, England would be sorely lacking without its surrounding nations and aligned kingdoms which many chose to deem as anything but local.
I have recorded this piece and it makes for a fairly humorous spoken word piece, definitely had fun with it

[alanwgraham]

Thanks! Our brexit situation here in Scotland has a whole extra layer of complexity to keep the creative juices flowing.
Alan

[King of the North (but ..]

This by far has to be one of my favourite poems of yours! I feel like this would work so well as a spoken word performance