Little Things

This is meant to be a submission to the Once Upon A Time poetry contest right before the second season so yes, it's fanfiction. Can you guess which character this is?

Amazing.
Truly amazing
Are the little things.
So bright,
So grand,
So lovely...

So...powerful.

Even the smallest, purest flake
Of snow
Can become
A great blizzard of change; No match
For any King
or Queen.

Yes, nothing
Could be truer.
 
And yet
Those little fools,
Pompous fops always sitting
On their grandiose stools,
Always want bigger, and yes,
More...
 
More gold! More
Land! More
Arms!
None suspect the truth.

Not even the lovers, perfect
Little lambs that they are...

So Charming,
So fair.

So gullible.

Oh, dear ones,
Don't you know
How much
Just a
Strand
Holds?

Author's Note

Please do tell me where I should improve. Should I add more imagery, work on it more?

Reviews

[Ees]

In response to your question, I think more imagery and descriptions could help this poem, but I suspect that you knew that or you wouldn't have asked, right? I really love the pattern that this poem takes and I think that it is pretty well written.

I just don't know who these pompous fops are or understand the reference to the stools that they sit on. That part seemed a little bit more like stretching than the rest of the poem to me, so you may want to look at that part and adjust what you were intending to say with that way that it reads. At first when I read that they were sitting on stools I pictured the old men who hang about the bar, but as I continued reading I realized that those were not the people that you were referring to at all...

I think that you have an amazing start. It is a great poem as it is, but with a few slight changes it could be even better,
good job,
Erin

[Lyana]

Yeah. That's what I feared. The poem is meant to be a character's thoughts so I had trouble trying to put more imagery in this. I have to think harder.

The "pompous fops" are the people that this character deals with the most: kings and nobility. The "grandiose stools" is in reference to their thrones, an over-glorified chair in the eyes of the speaker.

[Lyana]

I added more in the poem. Do you feel it helps it?

[Ees]

Ohhh, okay, I am sure that this must make total sense in the context of the character and the rest of the story that you have created, I just didn't have that info going into this.

Yeah, just imagine that you are really that character, try to see out of their eyes maybe that will help. It's really good either way!

[Lyana]

Thank you for your critique. It's good in case I write any other poems.

[Ees]

Yes! I do! I think that does help. Sounds great! I think that if you add more of the same at the bottom type of writing at the bottom, particularly around the section on the lovers you'll be exactly good to go!

and that little change made me feel more of the power and angst coming from the speaker. great job!!!

[Ees]

No problem. I always try to critique the same way that I would like to be critiqued myself. I don't put stuff up on here just for people to say that it's nice, ya know, that doesn't really help anything.

[Lyana]

I know exactly how you feel. As much as I appreciate compliments, I want to know what to improve on.

I added more on the lovers to add a bit more on their character and the speaker's views on them. Better?

[Ees]

Yes!!!! Perfect.
love the
"gullible' line. I think that I have a real feel for this character now. awesome!

yep, compliments are nice, but it doesn't help anybody move forward. There are always things that we miss ourselves that other people can see because we know what we meant and what was in our heads, but it is impossible to leave ourselves. And what it comes down to, if you are writing, you need to know what others felt while reading what you wrote. At least I think so...

[Lyana]

Oh, definitely. Poetry is supposed to appeal to the mind, yes, but also to your emotions and your senses. It has to evoke something in the reader or else it's junk.

[Ees]

Agreed!!!

[Mark Anthony Games (Hum..]

I feel this was written from your ideas, feelings from the brain if you will, but not necessarily with your emotion, heart or soul. I have found that the things I have written from thought are less meaningful than the ones I wrote without thinking. I am not pretending to be a talent, as I am not. I often say that I am not a poet I just feel his pain. Having raw emotion in writing or speech changes a government speech into revolution. Also perfect little lambs, lovers are often the black sheep of the flock. I read a great quote once that the heart / love is like a life raft and we throw everything we have overboard to keep it afloat. Friends, family, pride and self sacrifice all thrown overboard just to keep love alive, it that or loneliness after all. Give your self a moment to summon up the emotion you feel about the subject and let that drip through your pen without thinking about structure, just scream at your page. Try that, then if you feel the need, use your brain.

[Lyana]

You felt wrong. First, this poem is not about me. The speaker is not me. This is another person's feelings. In a sense, you could say your feelings are correct; these were not written from my feelings. These are written by another's.

[Mark Anthony Games (Human Voice)]

But you wrote it though.......right?

[Lyana]

Yes, but my own feelings are not the purpose of this poem. The purpose of the poem is to show the thoughts and feelings of someone else which I did write into the poem as many who have read it have found. This isn't meant to be my heart, emotion, or soul. This is someone else's heart, emotion, and soul which I did write in.

Poetry isn't always personal. It isn't always about someone's feelings on a subject. Poetry, like every other art form, can be about everything.

And yes, I did write this poem with love and passion about and for the speaker of this work.

[Mark Anthony Games (Human Voice)]

I understand that completely and yes poetry is an art, and I think we are finally stealing it back from the posh and pompous, ha ha. I understood the context but I guess like all beautiful art the story really unfolds in the ye of the beholder. The import thing is I liked it, :-)

[Mark Anthony Games (Human Voice)]

um that eye, sorry

[Lyana]

Well, thank you. :)

And I don't think poetry was ever in the hands of the posh and pompous.

[Mark Anthony Games (Human Voice)]

Now there is a discussion! I have had a full day at University and am way to tired though. I like your spirit, you have fight. Its nice speaking to you.

[Lyana]

Thank you. I had a nice time speaking with you as well.

[MOON]

I enjoyed this write it needs editing not sure of fops . Its deep though and has some good lines and imagery.

[Lyana]

What do you think needs work?

[Dr. Wood ?]

I think it takes off....it flies quite well and it lands comfortably...I see it as man, with all his greed and pomposity being no match for nature..I think if this is an early attempt at poetry from you that you have done a pretty good job..The sentiments are there and the critical eye...Well done

[Lyana]

Yeah, it is pretty early. I think this is, like, the...seventh real poem I've done.

[Dr. Wood ?]

then you are in for a great ride in the world of poetry

[Lyana]

Thanks a lot!

[Muse]

What a light hearted read sweetie.

I liked this part:

Even the smallest, purest flake
Of snow
Can become
A great blizzard of change; No match
For any King
or Queen.

And for some positive criticism...don't be afraid to use more analogies and metaphors to feed the five senses.

Muse

[Lyana]

Thank you! :)

[Rebecca K Pavia]

I like this. It is simple, yet makes you think at the same time. Personally, I think sometimes a few words positioned in the right way can create a nice amount of imagery, without the need to deliberately attempt to do so. This is simple and thought provoking. Well done.

[Lyana]

Thank you for your kind words. :)

[Rebecca K Pavia]

Ooh, just read the small print at the top. I love 'Once Upon a Time' too. Is it about Rumpelstiltskin by any chance?

[Lyana]

Yes, it is. Hence the mocking cynicism. It's for a contest here by my good friend.

[zainul]

Lovely piece.
I can guess that you are referring some greedy persons.
You may clear it.

[Lyana]

By greedy person, do you mean the speaker or the people that he/she is speaking of?

[zainul]

I can't speculate more.
I made this guess on the basis of these lines:
"those little fools,
Pompous fops always sitting
On their grandiose stools
Always want bigger, and yes,
More...
More gold! More
Land! More
Arms!"
Now,tell me what you actually mean.

[Lyana]

Those are the people that the speaker deals with on a daily basis, notably kings, politicians, and nobles. The speaker has grown weary of them, their greed, and their requests knowing the consequences of each. He calls their thrones "grandiose stools," mocking them and the supposed power they claim to possess. So, yes, these are greedy people.

[zainul]

That's wonderful!
Could I reach to some extent of your thought?

[Lyana]

I'm sorry, I didn't quite understand. Could you rephrase the question please?

[zainul]

I wanted to ask you if my guess was right or wrong.
Do you understand now?

[Lyana]

Oh! Thank you. Yes, your guess was absolutely right. The speaker is referring to greedy people and mocking them.

[Lyana]

And thank you so much for your review. I crave them like a starving woman.

[zainul]

Thank you Lyana.
Your poem is awesome.
I will ask some more questions later.
Now you can attend other poets.

[Lyana]

Thank you! And I'll be happy to answer questions.

[zainul]

That will be a pleasant experience for me.
Would you post more poems soon?

[Lyana]

I'd love to although I'm always a bit nervous by it. And it's not my specialty. I'm more comfortable with prose. But I'll be happy to.

[luke]

This is written really well! I love it!

[luke]

I really felt the greed that Rumple would feel. You got his characterization down really well. Maybe, if you want, you could split yor poem into stanzas...perhaps that will create the effect of having the reader really think about what the narrator is saying...(?)

[Lyana]

Hmmm, that's a good suggestion. I'll see if I can.

[zainul]

I support the suggestion.
Don't get nervous.
It does not help.
Write with courage.

[Lyana]

Thank you!

[zainul]

You are welcome.

[Lyana]

How is that?