connect (part 1?)

"don't we all want to connect? can we ever truly connect?" this is just a little something i wrote tonight. i might post more regarding it in the future or revise the ending.

just a little warning, there is self-harm mention. thanks for reading!

Connection. Connection is defined as a relationship in which a person, thing, or idea is linked or associated with something or someone else. Connection is what brings people together. Connection can be created through hobbies, interests, enemies but no matter what it may be connection does as it says, it connects. People in this world have a desire, a hunger, a wish to connect. Every person in this world, regardless of what they might say, wants to feel a connection with someone else. Humans want to be understood. Humans want to be loved. Humans want to feel wanted. Humans want to thrust their problems on the back of other humans in a pitiful attempt at trying to avoid the fact that they are horribly and irrevocably alone. Humans want touch. Humans want to connect.

            I am no different. I am just like every other person in this world. I have wanted to connect with someone, anyone, since I learned what it meant to feel alone. Feeling alone is no worse than death. To feel alone, to cover your mouth to silence your sobs, to grip the edges of the bathroom sink, to stare at the edge of a blade and willingly bring it down against your skin to forget about the pain of being alone, that is no worse than death. To hang by the noose, to peer down the barrel of a loaded gun, to hate your life so much because you are so alone, annoying, insignificant, is no worse than death. Yet this happens each and every single day. And it happens no matter what. No matter how many times I try to forget the pain of being all of this by bringing the blade against my wrist and sobbing as blood runs down into my hand and off my fingertips, I wake up the next morning as alone, annoying and insignificant as I was the day before. Because I was born and destined to live alone. This is precisely my problem. I am alone and so are you. If you have not realized it yet it is because you are still pathetically trying to shoulder others problems so people might depend and need you but you are as alone as I am. One day, they will run out of problems to shoulder you with and decay in their loneliness. One day you will fall under the weight of the problems you shoulder and rot in your façade. We are all alone. And connection is impossible because we are so, so alone.

            Connection is defined as a relationship in which a person, thing, or idea is linked or associated with something or someone else. Connection is something I do not have. Connection is something you do not have. But can’t our loneliness and pain bring us together? Perhaps maybe, maybe if we reach out, both of us, battered and bruised, we could touch. And maybe, in total darkness, when we touch, we could finally know what it is like to connect.

Author's Note

grammar is probably horrible because i wrote it in about half an hour and didn't read back through it!! let me know what you think of it though, thanks!!