Aspirations

In my times of desperation 
I looked up at all the devastation

All my dreams and aspirations

now seem like lies , or revelations..

So slow to feel , so fast to succumb,

so many noises , that make me numb

even though it was all said and done..

resounding , the voices from which you run..

Believed that a lie would last forever,

holding on to the ties that i did sever

together , we could live and fly..

or watch it all wither and die..

Now i'm lost , wading through this rain , 

feel the rage surge through my vein..

you poisoned me with all your pain..

Once a lover , now turned insane..

So you either kiss or kill ,

here i am , just standing still..

as i let go of your memory , 

the end for you , the end of me. 

Author's Note

if there are any grammar mistakes , id be glad if you point it out , my grammar is pretty bad , any tips for better writing and improving would be welcome ,thank you and enjoy :)

Reviews

[thibodauxguy]

A clear cut poem of love killed. I have written similar poems, but it was usually me doing the killing. I doubt sincerely that your words, "the end of me." is not true and will not come true. Most of us have an inherent will to survive, I have a feeling you are in that group.

"I looked up at the all the devastation" (delete the first "the")

"now seem like lies , or revelations.." (move the comma back to the word "lies") Also every time you use a comma you have a space between it and the word it is supposed to belong to. I would change that unless that is some kind of personal identity of yours.

[iandyou.]

thank you! yup i'm actually much better of then i was , but i cannot forget the time i went through so i express it through words.

Thank you for your feedback , yea i've always put a space between the words and comma's , liked it spaced out , just like the look of it :D , thank you so much for your feedback! :)

[thibodauxguy]

I had a feeling about the comma.

[lMarling]

I like the way the poem ends. It's touching on insanity. Really makes you think about the derangement that relationships can produce.

"Once a lover , now turned insane..

So you either kiss or kill"

This line sort of breaks the flow: asunder , watch it all wither and die..

avoid adding extra words. for example instead of saying "as it all comes to a stand still" just say it without the "a".

[iandyou.]

thanks for taking the time out to read the poem :)
and yea that line was actually written as "Or watch it all wither and die" , i dont quite know why i changed it , just wanted it to sort of collaborate with the above line , il change it back to the or then :)

and yes work on those extra words , thank you so much for your feedback :) , means a lot :)