Before The Throne

Before he made his own world.

Fell down more than once,

Was hit more than thrice,

Standing up stronger was like throwing a dice.

He got a six, but they were all lies.

He got a two, the only truth,

He was alone without a roof.

Blood from the skies

Are the tears of those who cried,

The ones that who cared,

Were the ones that he lost.

Author's Note

It's related to another "rap" of mine.

And if you haven't read the first part go to this link
: http://www.writerscafe.org/writing/aswinrprasad/1761752/

Please do share your thoughts on it. :)

Reviews

[William Liston]

Hello Aswin,

I noticed that in your conversation with JayG, you said that this was a rap and not a poem. I'd suggest you to put that in your author's note, and it would also be a good idea to leave a link to a video/audio of you rapping this. Since a rap is meant to be heard and not read, reading it often doesn't do it justice.

The main reason why I decided to review this was because of JayG's remark that the "meanings are all in your head because the reader doesn't have your intent, or the linkages from the words to events."

I completely disagree with that statement. The reader doesn't have to know what specific event you are talking about to know that the line "he got a two, the only truth" means that bad things happened to you. It may be vague, but that's not always a bad thing. A poem (or rap, whatever you want to call this) doesn't have to have concrete images and events to convey emotion. Sometimes, describing the abstract conveys the meaning very well. This proves it:

Some say love, it is a river
That drowns the tender reed.
Some say love, it is a razor
That leaves your soul to bleed.
Some say love, it is a hunger,
An endless aching need.
I say love, it is a flower,
And you its only seed.

It's the heart afraid of breaking
That never learns to dance.
It's the dream afraid of waking
That never takes the chance.
It's the one who won't be taken,
Who cannot seem to give,
And the soul afraid of dying
That never learns to live.

When the night has been too lonely
And the road has been too long,
And you think that love is only
For the lucky and the strong,
Just remember in the winter
Far beneath the bitter snows
Lies the seed that with the sun's love
In the spring becomes the rose.

The work above is not a poem, but rather it's a song (it's the most poetic song I've ever heard). Notice how even though it has a strong emotional impact (at least, in my opinion it does), it never talks about a specific event, yet at the same time, the artist describes love in such a way that the reader can feel what she's saying. The line "and the soul afraid of dying/that never learns to live," for example, doesn't bring up a specific event in the reader's mind, but one can't deny the emotional impact that it creates. I'd leave another poem to prove my point (and I will if you want me to), but I think that poem says it all.

I'm sorry if this review was a little too long for your taste, but JayG left a similar review on my work that at first, I agreed with, but upon second thought, I found his reasoning a bit flawed. So, I felt like it was my obligation to comment on this. Have a nice day.

-William Liston

[Aswin R Prasad]

Thank you so much. I thought the same. If we explain each and every thing , what's there for the reader to interpret. I always like to stay a little ambiguous while writing.
Yes . I didn't agree with his review as well. And I've countered each point of his because I knew it was not that big of a deal.
I really apreciate you taking the time to write this. Thanks again.

[William Liston]

No problem.

[JayG]

Stanzas deserve a space, just as paragraphs do.

In this, the meanings are all in your head because the reader doesn't have your intent, or the linkages from the words to events.

How is standing "stronger" like throwing dice? I can't tell you because I was lost trying to stand stronger than...umm...

The rhymes in poetry should seem almost accidental, but here you use "thrice,: a word uncommon, because you needed a rhyme. And it shows.

There are conventions to structured poetry, developed over many years that help make the job easier. For example, L1 & 3 are constructed of an iamb and an anapest, which generate a rhythm. But L3 is all over the place, and you cannot throw "a" dice, because it's plural. L4 starts singular and ends up plural, and is trochaic.

So without consistency there can be no prosody, which us the reason for rhyme.

It would pay to read the excerpt for Stephen Fry's, The Ode Less Traveled.

As an observation: In your bio you say your poetry is based on your feelings. Nothing wrong with that as a source, but the goal isn't to talk about how you feel. It's to make the reader feel it, not know it.

The response to learning of your feelings can only be "Awww, that's a shame." But make them LIVE those feelings and they say, "Wow!"

[Aswin R Prasad]

You know what? This review is s**t. I don't agree with you or your review. I write what I feel and you can't change that. And what's the problem with "standing up stronger was like throwing a dice" ? Have you not heard of a simile? And I've used the following things to back it up. And I don't care how the readers feel.I write to calm myself down. And this is not a poem . This is a rap . And as far as I know it sounds awesome when I rap it. So thanks but no thank you for the review.
Take care.

[Aswin R Prasad]

And you said it cannot be throwing "a" dice because dice is plural. But go google it. It can be singular in modern english. So I'm not the one to blame you're too old for my poems.

[Aswin R Prasad]

You said all the meanings are in my head. Okay maybe they are. But what's wrong in being ambiguous and letting the readers interpret the message? I don't think there's nothing wrong. And about the rhymes... I will use whatever I want to make it sound good. "Thrice",'"twice" or whatever.

[JayG]

• I write what I feel and you can't change that.

Nor would I want to. But do you really think the world is hoping to learn how you feel? Do you believe that your feelings are more interesting to readers than their own?

Your job is to entertain the reader by giving THEM an emotional experience, not by talking about yours in terms meaningful only to you.

Still, you can write any way you care to. You don't have to devote even a second to learning your craft. But one thing I will recommend: Don't ask people for their opinion, as you did me, if you can't handle the result.

And a point to ponder: If the reader is expected to provide their own meaning, and the poet has no responsibility, here you are, I've copied the ultimate poem below. It can mean anything you care to have it mean, so cannot be improved on—though I'll admit it's not my work. I copied it from a book of poems:

"




"

[Aswin R Prasad]

Like I said I don't care what people think. You're just another hater who has alot of time in your hand to find the mistakes. And I don't think there is any in this one. I don't have time for haters. Bye

[SJ Mullins]

Aswin, I don't feel ike JayG is a hater. Critiques are meant to help. They are sometimes hard to hear, but what I have learned from them is develop the skin of a lizard. Glean what I feel useful from the critiques, and let go of the rest. In the end, it is your work and you make the final decision about what to edit should you choose to do so. Don't take such offense. I am sure it wasn't intended. I welcome critiques because I want to be the best poetess I can be. Hang in there! :) Just giving my humble opinion.

[JayG]

You asked for a critique, specifically from me. And I, someone you will never meet, took time I didn't have to give, to help you become a poet. Instead of complaining that I didn't praise the work, look at what, in the work, failed to do its job.

[Aswin R Prasad]

Look, I don't need to be a poet and know the structure and stuff to write raps. All I need is to rhyme the words and have a specific rythm and this poem definitely has one. It's not my fault that you didn't understand that. Tc. Just bye.

[firabelle]

Interesting as always... This made me really think about what you were trying to communicate. I also enjoy the fact that you're linking your works together; it's a smart way to get more of your work read by viewers of this work AND the previous. "Are the tears that they cried..." seems a bit off-kilter. Is there something else that you could have done to keep with rhythm? If not, then it's a-okay; put content before rhythm first.

Also, make a mention of your previous work at the beginning of the poem, right in the writing. Explain why that is there and why they (the readers) should read this piece before they delve into another. This way, all of your readers will know what's going on, because they have probably read your previous work. Why? Because of the little note before you got started.

Other than that, I really liked this piece :) keep it up!

[Aswin R Prasad]

Thank you for your thoughtful review. :)

[Ruth]

Wrenching in many respects...sometimes we have no alternative than to turn the corners and stand for our own truth...

[Aswin R Prasad]

Thank you for your review.

[zunie frost]

He got a six, but they were all lies.
He got a two, the only truth,

beautiful lines my friend and flow is just perfect
i really love it

[Aswin R Prasad]

Thank you Zunie. Glad that you like the flow. :)