I’m Not The Same

I’ve been alone
For all my life
I’ve spent years looking out windows
Watching others
While I sat and watch happiness come and leave me behind

Is it shocking to you when I say I don’t want to be here anymore
It’s been a running headliner every other month
The idea that I have purpose screams, but my insecurities shuts it closed
I’m a mom
I’m a partner
I’m an educator
I’m everything, but me

Why can’t I take a deep breath and feel relief
My life is congested with things
Too many things
Label these things my English teacher self would say
But if they are all to the same degree of nuisances
I call it “things”

These things are like smiley hooks as Plath would write
Is this an intent to dissuade myself at a later point?

My mother doesn’t care
My husband doesn’t care
My children are too young to know what care means
My grandmother doesn’t care
My grandfather doesn’t care

Only a handful of friends know me
Only a handful of days I remember too

Let this be a moment
Let this ruminate.
Let it end