Freeing Beth

The unusually warm gust of April combed Nell’s hair back as the water came into view.  She manually rolled down the window of the truck further, lifting herself up off of the passenger seat in order to stick her torso partially out into the sunlight.  Though the rush of air stung her eyes, Nell kept them wide open, absorbing the masterpiece that came into view as the truck turned the corner into Colt State Park.

            The Atlantic greeted them with a twinkle, the yellow orb of the sun rippling across the small peaks of the water.  Nell had lived in Bristol for twenty-two years, but the park never lost its ability to leave her speechless.  She basked in the beauty of it as her long, dark hair blew in tendrils against the side of the truck.

            Nell felt a tug on her beltloop and let the unexpected action pull her back into her seat.  She playfully glared at the culprit, her boyfriend Chris, who wore a light-hearted smirk in the driver’s seat.  His right hand’s index finger was still hooked in the beltloop of her jeans, while his left arm was slung over the top of the steering wheel, directing the truck lazily through the fifteen-mile-per-hour bends.  Nell couldn’t master a glare directed at her boyfriend for long"the look of Chris driving with his curly hair tousled in the wind still brought a shy blush to her cheeks, even after two years together.  She removed his fingers from her waist and held his hand in between her two.  He looked over at her and beamed, bringing her hand to his lips, tickling her hand with his short beard as he gave the pale skin a chaste kiss.

            There were as many people in the park as there were blades of grass, which is always the case on any spring afternoon that hits above the mid-fifties.  Today was a surprising yet welcome sixty-seven degrees"the perfect prime number when it comes to weather, at least in Nell’s opinion.    Chris maneuvered the truck closer to the water, staying well below the speed limit in order to avoid hitting any wayward kite-flyers or frolicking dogs.  As he went further into the park, hunting for a spot to park his small blue truck, Nell turned to the backseat and smiled at the sight of her best friend, Beth, sleeping soundly.  Beth had always been that way"put her in a car for as little as a twenty-minute drive, and sure enough, she’d be out cold upon arrival.  Beth’s head lay against the window, her tye-dye beanie askew, revealing the thin wisps of light brown hair that once covered her now-bald head.  Nell tried not to linger on the dark grey of the skin under Beth’s eyes.  Even while asleep, she looked exhausted.

            Nell turned forward again, swallowing the wave of emotion that threatened to crash out of her in heavy sobs.  She remembered what Beth had made her promise at the hospital while they were planning this trip.  “Nell,” Beth had said, her dark eyes all business as they looked directly into Nell’s light ones.

            Nell sighed, knowing the kind of premature reprimanding she was about to receive"the kind she had heard a hundred times from her best friend. 

“Yes, lovely?” Nell sighed.

            “I will not do this with you if you treat it like a last time.  You can’t do that, okay?  Look"I don’t care about what this is doing to me.  Nell…Jesus, Nell, stop crying, hun, please"I can’t stand to see you cry.  That’s…that’s the hardest part.  Please.  Just one day, okay?  Like old times.  Like we’ll do it again in the summer.”

            Nell couldn’t help herself"she sat in the hospital bed, a girl who had, as far as she knew, years to live, as her best friend wore a death sentence as prominent as the hat on her head.  Beth held Nell and stroked her hair.  Nell knew that this was the last time she was allowed to cry in front of Beth.  She buried her head into the thin fragment of her most kindred spirit and let her sorrow stain Beth’s hospital gown.

            Nell reminded herself of the promise that her hours of crying in Beth’s hospital bed held"no tears today, especially not in front of Beth.  Chris saw Nell’s internal struggle and squeezed her knee reassuringly before twisting the key to turn the truck off.  He flashed a devilish grin at Nell before reaching into the backseat and whacking Beth lightly with the folded blanket that was on the seat beside her. 

Beth groggily raised her head with a groan, mumbling a slur of curses as her sallow eyes targeted her offender.  “F**k off, Chris,” was audible through the sleepy grumbles.

            Chris took this as initiative to send another thump of the blanket Beth’s way.  “The fu"Nellllll, control your boyfriend, please!” Beth whined, dramatically pushing the blanket away from herself and throwing an empty water bottle at Chris.  Chris laughed as he unfastened his seatbelt and hopped out of the truck.  Nell rolled her eyes at the goofs and followed suit, opening up the back door to help Beth into the wheelchair that Chris unloaded from the bed of the truck.  Beth swung her legs out of the truck and let herself slide down until she was on her feet.  Beth was able to support her own weight, but Nell helped her lower her frail body into the black chair.  Beth readjusted her beanie and went to put her sunglasses on, but Nell stopped her, motioning with a bottle of sunscreen that she had to protect herself. 

“What’s the point…it’s not like I’m going to get skin cancer,” Beth grumbled as Nell rubbed lotion on her friend’s pasty nose. 

There was a pause as Nell noticed Beth bite her lip as a way of acknowledging her insensitivity. 

Nell ignored the comment, giving Beth a feeble smile as she applied sunblock to her own face, setting a good example.  She returned the sunblock to the truck and brought out a large backpack before shutting the door. 

“Ooooo, what’s in that?” Beth asked, ever the little kid.

“You’ll see, Susie,” Nell teased in sing-song, using her kid-name for Beth.  Though Beth was a few months older, Nell always took the role of mom"caring was her way.  Beth had joked in high school that if they ever lived together, Nell would be packing Beth’s lunch every morning and writing her little notes saying “Have a great day!” to go along with the brown paper bag.

“Nonsense!” Nell would retort.  “No child of mine would eat lunch out of brown paper bags.  You have two options"the tin Batman lunchbox, or an L.L. Bean cloth one with your initials embroidered on it.”

Beth, of course, chose Batman.

Chris took the backpack from Nell’s hand and flung it onto his back as Nell rolled her twenty-three-year-old child towards the walking path by the water.  Nell couldn’t help but be bothered as they walked along the water and more than one fellow walker shot a pained look of pity Beth’s way.  Nell wondered what they assumed was wrong with her"paralyzed, maybe?  Broken legs?  Generally handicapped?  Nell was certain cancer was not the first thing that came to mind.  Beth had always worn her hair short under one of her numerous beanies, so there wasn’t much difference between before- and after-baldness.  Beth’s oversized sunglasses covered half of her gaunt face, and her baggie clothes and the wheelchair did well in disguising just how skinny she had become.  Nell knew that although Beth was a magnet for apologetic looks, none of those apologetic faces knew that what they were looking at had but a few weeks left, if that.  Nell stole a glance at the friend in front of her, knowing that Beth had long since trained herself to disregard the frowns and turned-down eyes of strangers.  Nell knew that although Beth turned her head down, she was secretly grateful for the looks"Beth had told her once that it showed the empathy in people.  They very well could ignore Beth, but their sad reactions were recognition and, for even a moment, someone else felt possibly an ounce of the sadness that Nell had felt every day since her friend was diagnosed.

Don’t think about it, she warned herself.  Today is for Beth.  Nothing is different.  You need to relax and enjoy this.

The threesome continued their way down the walking path, taking in the warmth of the day and ogling the beauty of the water.  Nell rolled Beth along as Chris walked on the rocks that acted as a border between the raised path and the stretch of sand that led to the water.  Nell and Beth voiced that they were amused by a group of kids battling each other with their kites.  Chris took it upon himself to be commentator to the fight, giving each kite a distinct personality and christening the kids with the most absurd names possible.  Nell and Beth were beside themselves with ridiculous laughter as the Transformers kite, flown by who Chris called Dumpster, won the round.

“Man, that was a close one!  I was really rooting for Alfonso in that last minute,” Beth said between giggles.

Nell basked in the sound of her friend’s laughter, thankful for her boyfriend’s joking.  She caught eyes with Chris and they shared a knowing smile.  Thank goodness for him today, Nell thought.

They reached the end of the mile-long path and strolled onto the pier.  Nell remembered she and Beth wanting so badly to visit the pier when they were younger.  The five-year-old girls loved to run onto it, loving the fact that they were above the water. 

“I can walk on water!” Beth would boast, looking through the cracks of the wood to the harbor below.

There was a little floating dock of sorts that could be accessed from the pier by a steep ramp, but it wasn’t always there.  Men would use it to catch crabs, so whenever the girls saw the dock set up, they would beg their parents to go down to see the fishermen.  Nell’s dad would often take the girls down the ramp.  The fishermen always welcomed the girls with pleasant smiles, and would wrangle crabs from their buckets to show the girls.  Nell was terrified of the spider-like sea creatures, but Beth loved them.  She went as far as to hold one.  Nell about fainted at that. 

The thought of Beth holding out those spindly legs to Nell brought a grimace to her face as she sat on the edge of the pier between Chris and the wheelchair.  Beth had started reminiscing about when they were younger, talking about absolutely anything when it came to mind.  They shared an abundance of stories"they had been best friends since preschool, and Beth’s mom, who was a schoolteacher, had watched Nell every summer since the girls were five.  Bike rides and pool parties and “ice cream Fridays!”"everything, together.  Nell grabbed her friend’s hand and rested her head on the wheelchair as Beth continued talking and laughing.  Chris, who had only met the girls in college, would egg Beth on, asking questions about their childhood, especially interested in the many adventures that had landed the girls in timeout.

“One time, we opened up a hair salon in my basement, and ended up giving both of my sisters and Nell’s brother the worst haircuts.  We used those plastic safety scissors from, like, preschool, and they were the absolute worst salon tools.  My mom ended up taking the three of them to Supercuts that day to fix it.  My sisters had to rock short hair and blunt bangs for, like, a year!  I feel like we were grounded for the rest of that summer,” Beth said as Chris laughed and Nell covered her face in mock embarrassment.  “Hey!” Beth said all of a sudden, “Let’s go down to the water.”

Though Nell knew it would be hard to maneuver the wheelchair down the rocks, she did not want to say no.  They left the pier and went over to the rocks on the left side of the pier.  There were about ten feet of rocks leading down to the strip of sand before the water.  Though the rocks were easy enough to walk down, Beth’s situation did pose a challenge.  Nell glanced at Chris, whose eyes noted that he was hesitant to try maneuvering the chair down the rocks.  Nell caught a brief glare from Beth, who quickly turned off her fiery eyes and traded them for a cocky smirk.  Beth declared, “I can get down there.”

Chris looked at Nell with furrowed eyebrows, obviously afraid to object, but also confused as to what Beth meant.  Beth planted her feet on the ground and slowly raised herself out of the chair, keeping her arms against it before straightening up to her full five feet, eight inches.  She shuffled over to the rocks and made to walk down them.  Her friends were by her side instantly, each taking one of her arms in their hands, helping her cautiously move down the rocks towards the water.  Beth pouted, obviously wanting to do this herself, but Nell knew that under those large shades, Beth was grateful.  They landed on the sand, and Nell noticed the perspiration already coming to light on Beth’s forehead.  Even that took everything out of her, Nell thought to herself, biting her lip.  Don’t you dare, she warned herself.

Chris went back up the rocks to retrieve the wheelchair, unfolding it on the sand and motioning for Beth to sit in it.  Beth ignored the gesture, sliding off her Toms and digging her bare feet in the sand.  Nell watched as her friend stepped forward, relishing the feeling of the grains between her toes.  Nell had always hated most things about beaches, including sand, whereas Beth loved everything about beaches, especially sand.  Beth stopped at the water’s edge, letting the current lap at her toes, flinching a little bit at the chill.  Beth leaned down, rolling up the legs of her navy sweatpants.  Before Nell could object, Beth stepped into the water, going out ten feet, letting the ocean consume her calves and halt at her knees.  Nell’s mouth was agape as she watched Beth stand there, her arms slowly rising from her sides, her head tilted back.  Nell glanced over at Chris, seeing her own expression mirrored in his.  The two of them stood there, watching Beth, uncertain of what to do.  Nell felt as though she was intruding on an intimate moment"Beth embracing the sea after months apart, reassuring the water that she would be back soon, even though both Beth and the water knew this was a lie.  A goodbye to her favorite place.

One rainy morning while Nell was visiting the hospital, Beth had asked her, “Would you be buried or cremated?”

Nell sighed, not wanting to encourage Nell’s increasing fondness of discussing death.  “I don’t like to think about it,” Nell answered curtly, looking down and fiddling with the hospital sheets.
            Beth looked out the window and watched the water beat against it, letting out a sigh of her own.  “I want to be cremated.  I can’t stand the idea of my body wasting away under six feet of dirt.  And do you know how expensive coffins are?  It’s such a waste.  A waste of money.  Just to let a body waste away.”

Nell shut her eyes for a moment, concentrating on keeping her tears in.  She decided to humor her friend.  “And what would you want done with your ashes?”

“I will have them scattered.  I am not sitting in an urn for eternity.  That’s just a smaller, creepier coffin.  I want you to scatter them in Colt State.  By the pier.  Give me back to the water and all.  Maybe then I’ll become a dolphin.”  Beth smiled as she turned towards Nell, obviously loving the idea of jumping through the waves as a chipper bottlenose.

Nell smiled back at Beth and said, “I think you’d be a crab, not a dolphin.”

Nell laughed as Beth took one her man hospital pillows and threw it at her.

That memory flashed through Nell’s mind as she watched Beth in the water.  Don’t you dare cry, Nell told herself as she buried her face into her boyfriend’s side, eyes squeezed shut as she angrily willed away the tears screaming to be let out.

Beth stood in the water for a while, and Nell busied herself with setting up the blanket and food she had stored in her backpack.  She and Chris set up the sandwiches from Ricotti’s, accompanied by sweet potato fries and large red thermos holding a bottle of wine"both Beth’s favorites.  Beth returned to the sand, delighted by the surprise that was spread out before her.  Neither she nor the others talked about Beth’s time in the water.  They didn’t need to.

It was nearing sunset, the signal that the park would be closing soon, as Nell took another swig from the thermos.  Technically, Beth was not allowed to drink alcohol in her condition, but there were no rules today.  Beth lay back on the blanket, patting her stomach, removing her sunglasses, and closing her eyes with a smile.  She was only able to eat a handful of fries and a quarter of her sub, but Nell could see that Beth was content.

“Can I break the rules for a minute?” Beth said, eyes still closed.

Nell hesitated, sure that she did not want to hear what Beth had to say.  After a long pause, Nell said, “Sure, lovely.”

Beth wet her chapped lips before continuing to speak, eyes still closed.  “I know I said that this wouldn’t be a last time…that we would treat this like any other day at Colt State.  I love you for that"for doing this, for being you and getting through it.  I know you and know you can’t just put it all aside and forget, even for an afternoon.  But you pretended, and this"this is perfect.”  Beth paused, opening her reddened eyes and struggled to sit up on the blanket.  Nell leaned over to help her, a frown darkening her features.  She can’t even sit up now? Nell thought, worried at her friend’s quickly worsening condition.

Beth took a ragged breath, clearing her throat.  “The thing is…this is the last time.  Ever.  This is the last thing I ever do.”

Nell felt Chris shift next to her, his body stiff and alert.  Nell couldn’t even feel her own body"she felt every emotion possible as confusion shifted to repressed realization.  Nell felt her stone body go slack as she stared at her friend, eyes wide and fighting to remain dry.

“Beth,” Nell almost begged as she dug her fingers into the blanket, supporting herself, afraid she would collapse onto the blanket in denial.

“I’m so sorry, Nell.  I keep telling you that I don’t want to do this to you.  But what can I do?  We’ve both known it…that first day, ten months ago…we knew even then.”

Nell clutched her mouth, stifling the agonizing moan that sprung forth from the depths of her sorrow. 

Don’t cry, Nell.  Don’t you f*****g cry.

“Three weeks ago, they told me I have two weeks left…it’s been almost four weeks, Nell.  I hung on for this day"for you.  I knew this was going to be it.  The rocks"I shouldn’t have been able to walk down them.  I shouldn’t have been able to walk into the water.  The fact that I could means something, right?  It’s a sign"it’s telling me that it is time to let go.”

“How do you know!” Nell yelled, anger mottling her words.  “You can’t know that this is it.  We’re taking you back to Providence.  The doctors will do what they can, you’ll see your parents and sister and"“

“Nell, stop.  I am not dying surrounded by my family, okay?  I can’t watch them…”  Beth looked down, cut off by her own batch of tears.

“You promised, Beth.  No crying.”

Beth gave Nell a weak smile, then glanced out at the water.  “Nell…this isn’t fair to you.  Or me, for that matter.  But I need this.  I need to do it here.  I get it, I sound crazy, but…I know it’s happening.  Now.  I just know it.”

Nell avoided looking at her friend, instead staring out past the water, focusing on all of the memories that played in her mind’s eye across the cerulean surface.  This was her best friend.  Her baby.  A piece of her heart.  A piece that she had to return to the sea.

Nell relaxed against Chris, who had his hands placed palm open against her back the whole time, supporting her body in case she fell.  Nell motioned for Beth to come to her, patting her lap.  Beth scooted towards her and lay her head in Nell’s lap, removing her beanie, indicating that she wanted Nell to stroke her head"something Nell always did for Beth after a breakup, a fight, or just a bad day.

This is just a bad day, Nell thought.  They will all be bad days after this.

As if Beth could read her mind, she whispered faintly, “It’s not over, Nell.  There is so much after this.  For you…even for me.”

Nell closed her eyes and nodded, resting her head against Chris’s chest as she stroked the remnants of hair on Beth’s head.  Beth let out a deep, rattling sigh.  A death rattle, Nell thought.

Beth opened one eye and stared up at Nell.  “You’re not crying,” she noted.  Even in her condition, her incredulousness was apparent.

“I promised you, didn’t I?” Nell whispered, kissing her friend’s forehead.

Beth closed her single open eye and sighed, snuggling into Nell’s lap.  “Take care of my mama, will you, Chris?” she mumbled, already half asleep.

Chris gave a faint chuckle and whispered, “Of course.”

Nell smiled weakly and whispered, “I love you, Susie”.

 

The park ranger saw the glint of metal in the fading pinks and purples of the sunsets.  Damn kids, he thought to himself as he pulled his park ranger truck to the side of the road.  Always trying to stay in the park past curfew.  They probably want to get high and play man hunt, or whatever they do these days, he chuckled to himself.

The ranger stepped out of the vehicle and turned on his flashlight, directing it towards where he saw the shine.  What the f**k, he thought as his flashlight shone down on a black wheelchair.  He quickly scanned the beam of light to the left of the chair.

There was a tall boy with a mop of curly hair sitting on a blanket, head against the back of a small, dark-haired girl.  The girl was rocking back and forth, and in her arms, a tall, pale girl lay.  The dark-haired girl’s shoulders jerked up and down as she cradled and stroked the bald head of the pale girl.  The ranger moved down the rocks, unsure what was going on.  As he moved closer to the scene, his flashlight captured the ghostliness of the bald girl.

She’s so still, he thought to himself.  A wave of discomfort washed over him, and he cleared his throat as if to rid himself of the dread that slowly crept its way through his body.

The dark-haired girl snapped her head up, and the ranger took in the puffy eyes and the tears streaming down her face.  The ranger, lost for words, watched as the dark-haired girl’s eyes glanced over him, and then returned to the face in her lap.  Her heavy sobs became louder, and the girl reached for a pair of sunglasses on the blanket, and covered the eyes of the motionless face in her lap.