Aunty El

I knew we would be nothing even before our first date. Yet, I couldn't stop the things that were to happen.

I was 5 when Aunt Elma died. She was not the most favourite person in the family, but she had cemented her place in the minds of everyone in the family. No one grew up without hearing from their parents, “You better be good, or Aunty El will be very angry with you.” 

For a lot of us, Aunty El was the scariest thing imaginable, an impersonation of our worst fears. And we barely even knew her. But that was how things were. Aunty El was the stick that brought fear and discipline into us kids, and everyone was satisfied with that. My mom only used Aunty El as a last resort, and thus I had beed frightened by Aunty El the least of all. 

Aunty El however was an important part of my life. Even I didn’t realise just how much, until Mara. 

Mara and I were friends from college. We had studied together through college, and remained friends even after we graduated. It wasn’t anything special. She had her best friends from school, whom she was closer with than with me. But what we did have was a friendship where we could just be ourselves with each other, with no need for any restraint and carefulness. She was a very mature girl, and I was an absolute a*s who she liked despite knowing it. 

Mara had a crush on a senior from school who was the son of a family friend. She had never had the courage to confess, and so through school her crush remained hidden. After college, he asked her out one day. That was the day she had discovered it was possible to fly in the heavens with feet planted on the earth. The first date was followed by another, and then another. Every weekend they met. Five weekends later, she had confessed her love for him since school, and he had confessed his love for her too. They were a couple, and she couldn’t wait to tell all her friends. 

The happy times lasted a few months, when the world couldn’t get any more beautiful for her. When the good times ended however, hell came crashing down. She was getting old enough to get married, and her parents wanted her to tie the knot. She wanted to tell them about her love, but she had to ask him first. When she did, she realised the end of the good times. He hadn’t yet settled in his job, and so her parents would never agree him as a good husband for their dear daughter. She could force them, but he didn’t seem to enthusiastic about the wedding either. Three months later, after a family size battle, their relationship ended. He was leaving the country on a job he had gotten, leaving her behind in his past. She was devastated when she shared it with me. I couldn’t think of what to say. 

“Well if it means that you are now single, I’m asking you out on a proper date,” I told her, and she laughed out. 

We met frequently, but as friends. It never had been remotely close to a date. This would thus be our first date. I was eager, she hesitant. It took a great deal of convincing to get her to agree. A saturday, two weeks later, was our date. She had said that she wouldn’t dress up or anything, that she’d come like an old maid. And I had agreed. I never really did think that one had to dress up and all for a date. It was the people and the meeting that counted. When we did meet at the agreed place, she had a surprise waiting for me. She had dressed up. She was looking the best I had ever seen her. In that moment, I knew it was a real date. We had already planned extensively, and the date progressed as planned. 

We saw a movie, had lunch, then spent a few hours with coffee and conversation. She had agreed to the date, but she wanted to be home before dark. It was 5 PM when she left. As she got up to leave, I took her hand and gently pulled her closer as I got up to my feet. She wasn’t very tall, reaching up to my chin as she stood tall on her feet. As I pulled her, we were inches away. Close enough for me to see the light bouncing off her light brown eyes. I had never stood so close to her. Maybe that was why I missed her beautiful face. For a few long seconds we stood like that in silence. Whatever it was that seemed to building between us was blown up the second she burst out laughing. 

“What is with you Georgie?” she asked, pushing her words through her laughter. 

Shaking myself back to reality, I joined her laughter too. “Was worth the effort, wasn’t it?” I asked. She nodded in agreement, before walking away with a wave. 

The next day, we spent most of our conversation talking about how the date had actually been fun. By the end, I asked her out on another date, and she reluctantly agreed. Her parents were looking for a suitable husband for her, and she had told her parents she would marry one of the guys they found. That was why the both of us were very clear, all our dates would lead nowhere, and we were perfectly fine with it. 

On the second date, it was an overcast sky that stood above us. Taking advantage of the wonderful weather, we decided to go for a drive through the countryside, all the way to the sea which was a hundred miles from the city borders. We picked our lunch off the stores we saw on the way, and had finished eating by the time we reached the sea. We then spent the rest of the afternoon playing in the waves of the sea reaching onto the sand of the beach. When spent of all energy, we lay down on the edge of the beach, with the waves washing onto our feet with their regular rhythm. I hadn’t even noticed that I held her hand, until we got up to return. She was as surprised as I, the blush on our faces letting it be known. On the drive back, we were quiet, letting the songs fill the silence. As I dropped her off at her place, she leant close and kissed me on my cheeks. That first kiss we shared. I was warmer as I returned home, and I had a feeling it was because of Mara and the kiss. 

It felt so normal, that we were to go out on our third date the following weekend. And so, we spent no time on discussing it’s occurring, but rather on what we should do. I had an invitation to a spa my friend owned. I asked if she would be interested on going there with me, for a special couple package. She agreed after a little deliberation. Neither of us was in the least bothered by guilt that we were lying about us being a couple. 

That was how we spent our third date, almost entirely nude, in a room we had just to ourselves, with the therapists working their magic on us. We felt refreshed, looked much better than we did earlier in the morning, and were much more comfortable together. We didn’t have to act as a couple when we were leaving. We felt like we really were together. Holding hands, leaning into each other, sharing shy glances and embarrassed smiles; we really were a couple. She still was sticking to the same rules, of having to return before dark. That day however, she spent the longest time by my side in the car. She didn’t seem ready to leave just yet. I wasn’t sure of what to say, so I just held her hand in silence, enjoying the warm feeling she created in me. When she finally had to leave, she leant in, and whispered to me. 

“Just this once.” 

Before I could understand what she meant, she leant closer and kissed me on my lips. It wasn’t my first kiss, but no other kiss had ever felt as good as that. The feeling of her soft lips, her scent, her presence, everything filled me entirely. It wasn’t a very long kiss, but it felt like the longest ever, like the world had come to a standstill as our lips had met, and while we kissed everything else vanished. 

“Just this once,” she repeated, as she broke away. She immediately left before I could recover, or anything else could happen. She stopped at the gate, looking back at me with the sweetest smile, and an exaggerated wave, as she said bye. And she left. 

As powerful as it was, I couldn’t give in to my desire to follow her in, and pull her into my embrace. As much as I wanted to be with her, forever, I knew I couldn’t. Surprising myself with the strength I found in me, I turned on the ignition and drove back home. 

I couldn’t get a wink of sleep that night. I couldn’t forget the feeling of her lips, the scent of her presence. Yet, when morning came, I was filled with something else entirely. I couldn’t speak with Mara the whole day. The lost sleep overpowered me the next night. I slept like a baby, completely absent to the world. When I woke up the next morning, I looked for a message or a call from Mara, but there was nothing. There was work at office that needed all my attention, which helped me deal with the absence of Mara. I was once again surprised at how easily I could let Mara be forgotten because of work. I had to work overtime, through the weekend, to meet with the deadline. It was the next weekend, with the project completed, when I couldn’t forget Mara anymore, and when she called me. The last weekend I had spent at office with work, she was with a guy her parents found for her. Milner. He was from a good family, and he was good too. He was open to the idea of them meeting first to see if they liked each other. She had enjoyed dinner with him, found him likeable enough. He asked her out for another date, and she agreed. He was open to the idea of them dating before agreeing with their parents’ recommendation of them tying the knot. She wanted to tell all this to me herself. Let me know that our third date had been our last. Milner seemed the kind of guy she’d like to get married to. 

I finally understood what that something else was that had filled me the past few days. Dread. It had filled me, as if to prepare me for what Mara had to tell me, like the universe was trying to protect me. I congratulated Mara with all my heart. Finding my weekend free, I decided to visit home. Dad was out of town, for a conference. So it was just mom and I. 

“Mom, I always wanted to ask. What is it about Aunty El?” I asked her, as we were watching TV after dinner. 

Mom smiled before replying. “Aunt Elma was a very tough lady. Six months into her marriage, she got pregnant and uncle Thomas died in an accident. Those were tough times on all of us. No one was in a position to help her much, but she asked for nothing from any of us. She took care of everything by herself. Got herself a job, took care of us kids. She was also the one to start the climb of our family into wealth. She was a very tough lady, hard to love because of her stickling to principles. Break any one and she would swarm down upon us with a fiery punishment. Your father was one of the ones who was punished the most by her. That’s why, even now, Aunty El is the best medicine to scare naughty kids.” 

“But you never scared me much with her?” I asked. 

“No, no I didn’t. I rather wanted you to be as strong as her. So, I made you like her,” she answered with a grin. 

I couldn’t understand immediately what she meant. I had to sleep over it. As I woke up the next morning, I remembered. The times when mom would tell me to be good so Aunty El would like me, study hard so Aunty El would be proud, don’t break rules lest Aunty El be disappointed. I didn’t need to be told specifically about how scary Aunty El could be. But because of mom, I had grown to be not afraid of Aunty El, but wanting to impress her. I understood what mom had meant when she said she made me like her. I wasn’t afraid of Aunty El like the rest of the family, instead I really liked her. 

I was happy for having spent the weekend with mom. And so was she. She insisted we spend more of such time, and I agreed. I had been under the wrong impression that I had come home because I had no plans for the weekend. I realised what the real reason was when Mara called me in the afternoon, to tell me she was agreeing to marry Milner. That was why I had gone home. Because I needed strength to be able to deal with the news I somehow knew was coming. It wasn’t like I didn’t know this was to happen. From the very start I had known we would be nothing more than friends. From the beginning I knew Mara and I could never be anything more. I had never once expected anything while we went on dates. Mara was my friend, and that was all she would ever be to me. Yet, I was feeling so low. I couldn’t understand why. 

Had I fallen in love with her? She had asked for the two of us to meet, and that was when I would have everything confirmed. We planned to meet for dinner. We both came dressed up for the dinner, and we shared a good laugh about it. I wanted to know everything, all the details about Milner and her, and she was eager to tell me everything. We were perfectly normal while we talked about Milner. It wasn’t as smooth however as we turned to talk about us. She seemed just as confused as I. 

“So, that’s it then. Us I mean,” I said, unsure of my own words. 

“What’s it?” she asked. 

“I don’t know. No more dates I guess.”

“Yeah. No more dates. They were great though. Like the best I’d been on.”

“They sure were great. The movies, the sea, the spa. Everything was great.”

“Yeah, everything was great.”

“You’re a great kisser too.”

“That was what you really wanted to talk about, wasn’t it?”

“Yeah, kind of.”

“I don’t know Georgie. I just felt like it. It just happened. That’s all there is to it. Nothing more.”

“I get that. Of course.”

“We knew from the start it was going to be nothing.”

“Yeah, we knew.”

“And it was thanks to you that I was able to get over Phil completely.”

“Of course, Phil the damned crush of yours who broke your heart.”

“Yeah, that b*****d. And you fixed me.”

“For Milner. Perfect.”

“Yeah, for Milner. I’m sorry.”

“Why? Don’t be. We knew from the start what it was going to be.”

“I still am sorry.”

“Mara honey, it’s not that. If you’re wondering about the bad spirits I seem to be in, it’s something I couldn’t leave behind at work. There’s absolutely no need to be sorry. I’m glad for you, as happy as can be.”

“Really?”

“Really.”

“Really.”

“Yeah, really.”

“I’m glad. Thank you.”

“Now let’s get out of here, and get you back home. We don’t want Milner getting jealous, do we.”

“Shut up. He’s not like that.”

That was how dinner ended. With her happy, and me content at having seen her the happiest I’ve ever seen her. Mara was getting married to a great guy, and she seemed to be already in love with him. And from all she said about him, Milner seemed a really great guy. Perfect for her. I was happy for them both. 

I had convinced Mara it had nothing to do with her, but that was a lie. I was in the lowest of spirits, and it was definitely connected to Mara. I had been honest when I told her I was happy for her. I had congratulated her with all of my heart, and really did wish them a great life. I was also convinced I wasn’t in love with her. Absolutely sure. Yet, I couldn’t get over what I was feeling. Mara wasn’t my first girlfriend. She wasn’t even a girlfriend. So why did it feel like a terribly painful breakup? Why did tears stain my face? Why did the loneliness of the night seem like a warm embrace? Why did it feel like I was washing away all the pain as I cried through the night. I called office and told them I would be taking leave for a few days. I had many leaves due, having never really taken any, and so was granted my leave easily. Deciding to gift myself a change, I decided to go on a road trip. 

As inviting as I expected the road would be for a confused soul like mine, it had a mind of its own. It led me straight to the sea, the same beach Mara and I had our second date on. Only as I sat in the car, looking at the sea through the clear windscreen did I realise this had been what my road trip was about. It had all been to bring me right back here. Getting out, I walked over to the sea, and sat right in the path of an oncoming wave. The wave drenched me from the waist down. The next one lost me my balance, making me crash into the water, drenching me whole. I remained flat on my back, just as the wave had dropped me. I felt washed by the waves. Each wave washing away the pain a little, each one bring back to the front the good times with Mara. 

“Aunty El says the sea is good for your soul, it cleanses you,” dad used to say when we would visit the sea. I finally understood what he meant, what Aunty El meant. 

I remained in the water, until I was completely blank, completely at peace. Sitting back up, I kept staring into the distant horizon, where the sea met the sky. It seemed like the horizon was where true happiness was, where Aunty El was. 

“I’m good Aunty El, and I’ll be good. I’ll forget Mara, wish her well. And I’ll continue to search, hoping to find my happiness. I’ll continue to live,” I screamed as loud as I could, hoping for the wind to carry my voice to the horizon where I could see Aunty Ell smiling at me, knowingly. “I’ll be good,” I repeated, in a whisper only for my sake. 

How long had I been sitting there? Looking into the horizon? I don’t know. I was sore as I attempted to get up to my feet, when I intended to continue on my road trip. I could audibly hear the screams of my joints in refusal to move, after having been frozen for so long. Stretching to ease the pain, I returned to the car. As I started the engine, I found myself facing two paths to choose from. One that would take me back to the city, back home and back to my life. I was drained of the pain, of all the emotion that had filled me in the past few days, and was thus ready to return home. The second path would have me continue on the road trip. I had made no plans, no itinerary for my trip. Something I had never before done. I had a feeling that would do me a great deal of good. 

“I hear you Aunty El. I should continue, shouldn’t I? Head on to some new adventure that must be waiting for me along roads I have never before traveled. Guess that’s what I need to fill my emptiness.” 

Smiling at the horizon, at Aunty El, I turned the car and drove along the second path.