Two of Us in a Messy Room

You’re curled at my side on top of navy sheets,

next to my large windows, which let the creeping

sun slide up to greet us - or maybe just me,

as your eyes are hidden beneath their lids.

You sleep so calmly and neatly,

your chest strewn with freckles and your auburn hair awry.

The room around us mimics your skin, speckled with clothes and plastic bags,

stuffed animals and video games,

empty glasses and fencing swords.

But while I sit here, waiting for your return,

the surrounding detritus confines me, makes me anxious and afraid.

I want to clear it all away:

paint a god of beauty,

sign a story into life,

swirl the patterned lights of my hula hoop,

anything to distract me from the remnant worries so wound up in every inch,

 

but instead I lie next to you,

 

I take your cue to breathe.

Author's Note

I didn't realize I still had this, or I would've uploaded it sooner. =P This is for my boyfriend, about the first moment I realized I loved him.
Thank you for any critiques!

Reviews

[jacob erin-cilberto]

nothing boring here...that first inkling, the epiphany of how we really love someone, despite the messiness...because really messiness is reality...one that we suddenly perceive we do not want to lose--

i like the end...taking his cue to breathe....and maybe close our own eyes and let them hide behind our lids...

nicely done.

[Emma Olsen]

Thank you very much. =)

[Sivgat Hasan]

Wow it's nice, well done.

[Emma Olsen]

Thank you!

[Jennifer Johnston]

The only concept a bit foreign to me is the "hula hoop". A metaphor? If so, for what? To me a hula hoop seems to signify the act of being carefree--the narrator feels carefree only until the shadow of the messy room threatens. Otherwise, really quite lovely.

[Emma Olsen]

It's actually literal. I go to shows and hula hoop with an LED hoop. =P Thank you.

[Jennifer Johnston]

Gotcha. Thanks :)

[Ivanov Reyez]

Nice. I get the impression there's an undercurrent that the persona does not realize: that the disturbing mess includes the seemingly peaceful lover.

[Emma Olsen]

Thank you!

[joey]

i enjoyed this read very much, the psychological darting of the mind surveying a clustered yet purposeful collection of memories....items that perhaps become iconic in such love. i imagine sunrise after an intense night of random conversations haha but the next step is always uncertain, so to just breath. excellence

[Emma Olsen]

Well, now I'm going on two years with him, so breathing and realizing he was just there was the right choice for me. =) Thank you!

[Dianna Sartin]

The word "boring" is far from how I would describe this poem. Its sweet and moving yet realistic. I loved how you took the time to compare the room to his skin. It was endearing. Great job.

[Emma Olsen]

Thank you.

[Cory Barrett]

I find this writing anything but boring. I find myself wishing I was the lover in the bed next to the speaker. The only other feeling the plight of the navy blue sheets, waiting for the sun to pierce my eyes like it did my lovers. Waiting, in the end that is all love really is.

[Emma Olsen]

Thanks for the review! I meant it was boring in my initial draft because I used 'blue' and 'brown' and stuff instead of reaching or more interesting colors.

[MARK JOHN JUNOR]

fluently written with enduring images...very nice indeed

[Emma Olsen]

Thank you!

[Stephen]

Ah~ Lucky b.f of yours who got the chance to eat you ~~ Well penned!

[Emma Olsen]

Yeah, this is totally not creepy at all. Thank you for the last two words, but the rest of it was completely unnecessary and uncalled for. I'm not really sure what reaction you're expecting, but posting something like that is totally inappropriate and it makes you look ridiculous. Appropriate commentary would not bring up my sexuality, especially if I haven't posted a poem about my sexuality. Come on.

[Stephen]

O` Sweety ... Yeah, your welcome for the Ist line and in your reply ..yeah whatever the rest of all you penned wasn`t that necessary to me too at all because what I wrote`s to the tea truth ... or what all I get I said without caring what others understand & More importantly .. what all I know`s yeah .. this`s a writing site even which`s why i`m here ... If you don`t accept what others tell you, you can never grow up because check out your this poem again .. and go in deep .. you`d find the truth what`s already i`ve shown you leaving you a review ... Ah! Yeah ... I don`t care what people think of my words, I say what I say ... so, you can remove this review from here if you want to .. I again don`t care, Honey. Oh .. your review makes my day, Honey ... Come on ~~~ *Wink*

[Emma Olsen]

This IS a writing site, and with that in mind, maybe you should work on your spelling and grammar. because you are unintelligible. I'm not going to delete your comment because I think it's embarrassing for you and you should be embarrassed. You don't get to harass me like that and then try to turn it around on me like I'm the one being irrational. Which, you know, was the completely predictable next move from you. Anyways, enjoy looking like a creep on the internet and good luck with whatever you do. I'm not interested in your next response, which probably will belittle me and tell me I'm not worth your time. I'm not anticipating you taking any of my advice, but maybe you should learn to treat other people with dignity and respect and not sexualize them the first thing you do. Say whatever you want to try to make yourself look better, but that's what you did. There are a list of acceptable comments below to look at, and I both have written and received many acceptable critiques, so perhaps you should study those and see why it was totally inappropriate to say what you did.

[Stephen]

Voo...Whoo ... hotness`s been come out from a heart of desire ... glad to know, honey ... welll, yeah .. i`m not as intelligent as others, i`m not as innocent as other, not even as respectful as others but i`m what i`m because no one`s as same as me ..Oh come on, you don`t make me bother, sweety .. thanks for your sexy words. Your every muse`s appreciative .. I don`t care about the comment ..delete it or not .. by the way, why you so caring of me ..like my embrassment ?? huh?? Don`t care of it .. delete it or not ... I don`t care, o' by the way .. NEXT RESPONSE! Who said you that you`d gonna get a next response from me?? huh?? what a hot woman .. but a bit silly. Isn`t it ..billly? *Wink* Aye ..I got this. Live your life and enjoy the time ..Neither i`m here over this site for life & as far as I know nor you .. so, yeah .. live and let the world live, honey.

[Roderick Blakeman]

An excellent write expressing feelings of love.

[Emma Olsen]

Thank you!

[NoelHC]

Excellent, I loved the description, I could see the room so clearly. I take your cue to breathe. Yes, exactly, that! So true, that completed the painting so well.
Great work Emma.

[Emma Olsen]

Thank you!