A Letter to Kelsey

i think of your name
and a razor scrapes my soul

i see your face
and my heart pounds and cracks

i loved you and you loved me
for a time
for all too brief a time...

i never wanted you until you no longer wanted me
that is my failing
that is where i failed you

even now i do not know if i loved you or just loved loving you...
if i was just using you to stave off loneliness...
but i want to continue loving you
now more than ever
maybe i only want what i cannot have
maybe that’s all it was
and maybe that was it for you too
you wanted me when you couldn’t have me
and i wanted you when you were leaving me

but i was me with you
believe that
i was myself more than i was for anyone else
and for a time it was lovable

it was a fantasy i was convinced was real
and now you are dead to me
forever

when i had the chance to let go i found that i couldn’t
i was too afraid...

so you did...

you let go
damn you for letting go!

i will never get over you
never
i will live with you in absence
mourning, always mourning
i long for the time when sleep and food are commonplace once more
i long for the time when I lay my head on the pillow and do not see your face
i long for the time when the hurt is gone--the hurt i caused, the hurt i received
i long for the time when I do forget you, everything about you
even though i promised you i never would