who am I now

A Story by Samantha

my award winning story :)

I’ve been so fidgety lately, like something is wrong I feel something behind me something behind me.
So scared of the dark and what’s there, needing to sleep with a light on to feel a little safe. Humming so loudly like I did when I was younger, the constant hum at the same tone yet it gets louder or faster, it makes me think that when I do hum what does it really do. Does it block out things I don't want to hear or blocking out the constant breakdown of emotions? I know I’m in control but sometimes I cant help it, but when I do stop its like I'm all alone unable to control the silence, the ringing in my ear when there is no talking, no wind, not even animals wondering around. At this point as I type I’m humming so loud that everyone can hear it at the other end of the house. The tears start to fall. Hands on my head with pain in my chest. Biting on my tongue like I was biting down on a lollipop, I have so many questions like. What's wrong? What does this mean? What's happening to me? Who Am I? The temptations are getting worse, the thought of everything being so close to me even when my own mother touches me I don’t want her to; I feel that she will get what I have. The depression, anxiety and borderline personality disorder all these things seem so fake for someone my age but I’ve been seeing people for 5 years and counting going back and forth with what’s happened in life, I go 2 steps forward and 3 back sometimes I go 5 forward and I’m the most happiest I’ve ever been but it drops, I don’t want to move or get out of my bed. I try but its pulling me back the depression sets off my anxiety making me over think about what could happen in the day, all the bad things never the good things, it doesn’t give me a chance, unable to get the thoughts away; the blood, shaking, loss of breath and numbness taking over my brain. Why is it so hard to breath, why am I shaking so much as I tell you a little bit of everything, I get told to be calm and breath, its not as easy as you think. I’m so stressed and shaking, I bit the sides of my nails on the skin; I bit off skin in my mouth and my lip until it bleeds then starts to sting I guess its better then doing other things. Don’t you ever say I understand how you feel unless you were there when it happened or you are them; we are all not the same. Do not say we are all human and treated the same, because we aren’t and the truth is people are scared to go to school, scared to even leave their room; getting all excited for a day out with mum but you end up pretending you are a sleep feeling like all the problems are tying you up on your bed making you unable to move. When I fall a sleep I can not escape from my mind, the nightmares, monsters in my eyes and the sounds that I hear; I can’t get away from this horrible, destroying, worthless un-healthy thing we call my brain but I’m so scared of they dark does that mean Im scared of my own soul and what’s inside. I’ve gotten to the point where I don't feel like me anymore, I was doing so great and getting better but it dropped; I’m more stressed, fidgety and anxious at night and sick to my stomach with my skin crawling. Maybe it's time to give in completely, I do get help but I’m just talking to someone in a room; it will take time to say things but trust me its worth getting the help you need its your choice. Listening to music like a racing car going around and around, I'm skipping music, re-playing them or just listening to every single word every single detail. The space between reality and fantasy is so close together now I actually don't know at this point what is real or just a dream, I’m getting so confused and lost. I try to help everyone because I don’t want them to go through what I have been going through, that is still continuing, the medication the content appointments, the money and it makes you feel worse about yourself, but I guess that’s what we have to do to get some what better. You do not want a mental illness, nor pain, not even a little bump; but that’s life we get things we don’t want and when we do it makes you think what you did wrong maybe what you did write.

I may be 16 but over the years so much has happened. Bad and good things but sometimes it’s a content series of bad events that I’m unable to actually stop. My friend and I well we both have mental illnesses and we both try our best to go to school, we give each other little notes of how we feel that we can’t say in person, little notes saying “I’m proud of you”, little gifts to make a smile happen, well there are so many things you can do or say to sometime to make them smile you never know how long its been since they have smiled. I may have these problems but I am pushing forward, giving it my best. Yes maybe I have very bad thoughts to do silly bad things to myself, I keep trying no matter what. There will be tears but remember you are not alone, don’t think you are weak for seeking help and wanting to get better yes it will take time my dear but trust me it will get better.