The letter she will never read...

I know she may never read this...but here it is...all I want to say, to her...

Day 411

Seems like the start to some George Lucas movie or maybe a documentary but naah, its just me.

So much has changed, my world upside down as though hit by a catastrophe. In a way it has been hit yet so much of it remains unchanged, untainted.

Its been 411 Days and seemingly endless 410 lonesome nights since you left me and married him. I've been through days of anguish, of trauma, days when I felt I couldn't breathe and my heart would beat right out of my chest just ripping my being apart. Days when my tears felt like acid on my face, days when I felt I would just break down and shatter into a million pieces, days when I felt like it's the end and if it isn't, then I should put an end to it, to myself, to what seems like an ocean of misery...

Alot has changed from that. Pain has become a way of life yet so much of it remains the same.

I've hated you, I've cried out to you, I've missed you incessantly, I've felt blank and numb...insane. I've cried alone, I've screamed alone, I've lived my worst fear, my worst nightmare...A life "without you"...

 

I still am living the phase where sleep has abandoned me and my nights,

where every song seems to hit home, music stirrs up my heart, flows down my eyes and lyrics wrap me in nostalgia...

As I sit here tonight I write this letter to you, for some reason, saying things I never got a chance to say. Knowing my words may never reach you. Yet I believe...someday...you will read this...

We humans, as kids, have been brought up to believe in the idea of true love, of a fairytale romance, in a happily ever after.

The ideology varies from person to person, with each having his or her own version of the same, coming from experiences.

Here is mine...

Yes love for real, happens just once in life. And I know I've had my share with you, rather I still have it...

The way you have touched me, my life, I feel complete, content and now there is nothing else I seek...

I've lived a lifetime in my days with you and I can live another in your memories...

Yes I have hated you but then I realize, I never could...And it was never hate.It's love beyond my imagination.I couldn't bear the separation. And here I am, it's been over an year and still saying "hell...!! I love you babe! I still do and always will..."

We were made to believe of love to be togetherness, in a "meant to be", in a happily ever after, a battle you win...

But the fact is...there never is a losing in love. For some its concluded in marriage, a unison and living together. And for some, its in separation and yet being in love with the person the same way; untainted, irrevocably and unconditionally. We're all winners, because, we loved!

As they say, sometimes, the beauty, is in the attempt. We can either sit regret, hate and pout over it or celebrate the attempt, atleast we know we tried, we gave it our all...

So here I am...celebrating the attempt as I live on...

We are made to believe in the idea of moving on by holding to someone else. For people like me, the moving on happens with the same person. For me the moving on happens with you. I move on with you. My healing, is in my aching itself.

You know something?? I love this pain, because it tells me just how strongly I still feel for you, how much I still love you. This pain is nothing, but my love for you that it symbolizes...

It sure makes me cry at times, but tears aren't always sadness. They are an expression of when the heart is overwhelmed. You still overwhelm my heart babe. Always have and always will...

Yes we believed we were meant to be, maybe, it still holds true, who knows. For now I know, I feel and I surely believe, I'm meant to be in love with you forever and for always. It's just how it is...

I know you're happy and have very well moved on. At least thats what my eyes see and what I hear. It's what I'm "made" to believe. But no one knows how you really feel within, when, you're all alone by yourself; my heart says...

Do you miss me a lil...?? Miss me the way I miss you...??
No one knows. And no one will ever know...

It' funny when I say this. I pray that you don't miss me and that you really are very happy and have moved on and you don't feel the way I do. Not that it's an ugly sight where I stand, but I just don't want you to live it my way. Because I just can't stand the mere thought of you suffering pain or agony or any sort of sadness or void.

We both can live two different sides of this coin happily. You having happily moved on and finding love in him. And me moving on with you and your memories, loving you the way I always have, cherishing our times together., healing through aching, celebrating the attempt...

Because thats the beauty of love...and I know there is never a "without you" for me...

A wise man said..."there is a time for every love, every love story..."

Maybe this wasnt the time for our love. But it doesn't mean that our time shall never come. It will. It surely will. And when that day comes. When our time comes. You'll always find me here, right by your side, even if it means believeing in the idea of an afterlife or a rebirth or just a different lifetime...
I'll always be right here loving you, waiting for you, living a dream, celebrating us...

You may never receive this letter but a part of me believes someday you just may read this, someway. And when that day comes, I know you will cry...
A part of me prays that you don't cry and are too strong and happily moved on for it to effect you at all...

But a lil part of me believes you will cry. And if you do, rest assured I'm happy where I am...still feeling for you the same...the tear that rolls down your cheek completes us...and yes our time shall surely come...

Its not the end...its jus the beginning...

Still madly in love with you...

Barricade

Reviews

[Bhavya Kaushik]

Ah! This one was personally, as it came right from the core of your heart; and it is always a tough job to review something so intriguing and heartfelt like this.
All I can say is that the letter was brutally honest and you did a commendable job in conveying your raw unadulterated emotions on paper (computer screen). It doesn't matter if she would read it or not, but the purpose of taking those emotions out, naming them and writing them down is done. Not everyone in this world is brave enough like that!
As far as moving on is considered, I believe that the definition of "moving on" is totally subjective, and it depends on your own perception. I know (and I pray) that you will find love once again. Yes, that love would not be the same. It would be different in its own way, but it would be love and you can not compare it with anything else in this world.
Sooner or later we realize that there are few people in this world who can stay in our heart, but not in our life, and there is nothing we can possibly do to amend that.
I hope with this letter, a part of your soul would be healed.

[Ayesha Atif]

'My healing, is in my aching itself'.

I could feel my heart beating out of my chest and ripping myself apart.
When you love someone with all your heart without being prepared for the worst the scar remains there.
It doesn't heal. Never does. You can make attempts to 'move on' but those memories, feelings, they follow you.
I absolutely love this one. I gulped this one deep inside. Moreover, once you have an experience like this in love. You actually can't love the same way. Your inner self clearly declines to do the things you did for your loved one, for someone new..
There's always a feeling of insecurity, or maybe the experience of being prepared for the worst.

A wounded heart. Never heals, is because mine never does.
A shattered one, never glues back together because mine never does.

You poured out your feelings out like Boom and spread out all the way in one gesture.

Excellent write.
I can keep reading that again and again.

Lovers have an habit of healing themselves with their aching. :)

Keep exercising your talent!

[Ode]

I did cry...unspoken words...untold feelings reside within me
And i know how much i may wanna express i just never can
Now...

[Ode]

I did cry.....there are unspoken words...within me....some untold feelings....and i kn