Break up.

A (hopefully) fairly light hearted view on break ups.

Break ups suck. If you didn't see it coming, I can promise you that it hurt like a b***h. In your head everything probably seemed fine and dandy, sure there might have been a few tiffs and small fights, but what relationship doesn't have those? To find out the person you love the most in the world is miserable being with you is one of the most painful feelings in the world. You feel ashamed, embarrassed and crushed. You loved this person, you gave them everything and opened up your entire world to them thinking they were doing the same, but they weren't. OK, maybe they did in the past but not anymore,  otherwise why would they feel compelled to tell you they don’t love you anymore? You read about clichés like “it’s not you, it’s me”, “I really hope we can still be friends”, “I love you, I’m just not in love with you”, but never think when it’s your inevitable time to be broken up with that these would surface. Well, for me they did. Every single f*****g one of them. Topped off, I was informed that maybe in 6 months, a year or two years we might end up back together! Well that’s a bit crap now isn’t it, giving a crushed man false hope.  This was my first real relationship. I was under the impression all was well, but apparently 3 weeks of her feeling like she was getting more and more distant from me is enough to call it quits.

                Idea’s start swimming round your head, “is she a lesbian?”, “is there some other guy”, “has she cheated on me?” and many more. These spiral way out of control until your there, hunched in a ball, lying on your bed pissed off that you just bought flights for the next holiday you were going to go on together " no full refund. Thanks Ryanair. No words of comfort from the person that ripped out your heart can help; in fact, being told how awesome you are and how good a friend you were just pisses me off more and more. If I’m that bloody awesome then why don’t you want to be together! Anyway, you come to realise that’s it and now you have to proceed through the ordeal of “moving on”. What does that even mean? It isn't like that cavity in my heart can be filled with lots of alcohol and random sex as is always advised by a close friend. It isn't like you’re never going to get that wrenching feeling when you see she has clearly moved on to the point that her Facebook profile picture is of her and some guy eating away at each other’s faces. Why didn't we have a profile picture like that by the way? So I followed the solid, fool-proof plan of complete self-destruction. I limited myself to one week where I do f**k all productive. I make sure my friends are keen to keep me propped up, and I get drunk. A week of drunken depression was surely the best way to fix the present pain currently tearing me apart. It must be a sorry site walking into your flatmate sat at his desk watching a film on his laptop, tears streaming down his face and a Heineken bottle glued to his lips. Yeah, I agree, it probably wasn't the greatest idea to watch the notebook for the first time at this point. Well, he got the message and slowly, quietly closed my door behind him. At least I’m not wailing keeping everyone up I suppose. I wouldn't want to seem too pathetic now.

                Big question here. Do I cut contact completely, or try and keep some sort of chitter chatter going? Another important thing to consider is how many kisses do I now put at the end of my texts. F**k, I don’t want to seem desperate but I don’t want to seem cold either. She’s the one that’s supposed to feel guilty not me right? I’m just going to stick with 2, half what we used when we went out " seems legit. She tells me that she wants to keep in contact. She wants to know how my life at university is going, and if I have any news. She doesn't want to lose me as her best friend. Well, My life got pretty s**t after you ditched me out of the blue, thanks for that by the way, oh and university is just great! Why would I want to spark a conversation about absolute nothing when really all that is in my mind is “Why the hell did you break up with me " I still don’t understand!”.  Then again, if I were to cut contact completely then I’d just feel like s**t. Staring at my phone seeing if a miracle happens and I get a text from her. There’s no balance to this. Either I pretend to her that I’m fine and have no problem pretending to be chums, or I lose contact completely. Neither appeals to me I’m afraid so I shall just wait to be struck by a light bulb worthy idea on how to not screw myself over and still stay in some contact with her- after all I still love her.

                I always thought if I were to get broken up with I’d be so angry at her that it would be easy. I’d scream and shout, make her feel as guilty as humanly possible, then delete her number and block her on Facebook. Done and dusted. But it wasn't like that. I’m not left angry, just left confused. So I shall have to find solitude in in the fact that I shall probably never understand!

Author's Note

This is my first ever attempt at writing something. Its supposed to be a fairly light-hearted view on break-ups. I just want advice on whether its a good read or not, if I should continue with it or not. Please be gentle :)