Born Gay. Not Made Gay.

With it being the season of Pridefests, id figure id share my story.

Growing up I didn't have guidance to show me the ways of the world. Some may look at that as a bad thing, but I look at it as a great thing. I didn't have someone to manipulate me with thier own personal views.Yes I had a mom and dad, but my mom was always under the influence of whatever she could get her hands on and my dad, well he was just never around. From the day I could walk I was teaching myself from right and wrong the hard way; by experiencing it for myself.

Ever since I can remember I was always in "boy" clothes. Pants or shorts with the most pockets, a ratty tshirt, and tennis shoes if I needed them. All probably from the local Good Will. It was never something forced upon me, so many people always blamed my mom for "manipulating" me into wearing such clothes. But truth be told she was just a mother who believed a child should be able to express themselves. Now as a child I really didnt give two s***s what I had on as long as it wasnt girly and it had pockets. Why pockets you ask? Because I being naive thought it would be cool to be an adult and always needed to have keys, a phone, and a wallet on me. Little me didnt know the difference between "boy" and "girl" clothes other than at the store they separate them, but I never knew why. So as a child when other kids came up to me and asked why I wasnt a boy even though I had short hair and boy clothes I never had an answer for them other than because thats just the way it is.

Im sure by now you all think im trans. But I am not. I am a girl and I have no problem being a girl. This is the way im born and I have no complaints other than b***s getting in the way and the weird things girls bodies do, but hey we dont get random boners so whos really winning here. Also a huge plus of being a girl, lesbians, lesbians only like girls, so if I was a guy I wouldnt be able to be with my amazing girlfriend.

Now that we have that part figured out, back to the whole point of this. So many people say that gays become that way because they are taught that way. No one ever taught me that man and woman need to be together. It was just something that I regularly saw and no one ever taught me how to like girls. As a kid I was a always drawn to long beautiful hair, amazing smiles, and bright eyes. When I was little I obviously didnt know that was attraction. In the town I grew up in I had a neighbor who was also my best friend. I will avoid using her name since im pretty sure she blocks this part of her life out since she is not in any way gay. She was cute and I always wanted to spend all my time with her. We went to different schools, she went to a catholic school and I went to the public school. But every day after school we played together. The game of choice was always house. She was always the pretty girl everyone always wanted and I was always the hot guy all the girls wanted but only had eyes for her. Every day was a different scene. Some days we were on a boat other days she was the girl next door. But every day I always won her over. Now till this day she tells everyone her first kiss was a boy. But in reality I was her first kiss. We kissed many times a day when we roll played. I wasnt in love with her or anything, I didnt even know what love was other than it was a word my mom got upset if i didnt say it back to her. We were five and had no idea what we were doing other than we were doing what we viewed as fun. No one taught me how to do that with her, it was my natural way of living life.

My whole child hood wasnt only filled with girls though. In complete honesty she was the only one because as I started growing up I started realizing and learning that society is a cruel place and can mentally f**k you up. I was FIVE when I realized this, FIVE. I came to realize this because of how bad I was teased for being who I wanted to be. When I was little I obviously didnt change myself, but I started adapting. My mother's boyfriends brothers girlfriend (you still with me) had a huge family which included a boy my age. This kid looked like a complete dork but he was fun to play with. But when it came time to play with him I always felt so awkward and uncomfortable because of how much pressure I felt to "like like" him. My mothers boyfriends brother always teased me saying that I would kiss this kid and tease me because the kid liked me. I never wanted to be alone with this kid because he always did try to kiss me, but we were always forcefully left alone. This was not the only incident where I was forced into awkward situations with boys.

I had another friend that I spent time with when I was younger. We went to the same school and she had a huge family too. Her family was actually how I learned about divorce and step parents. But she had alot alot of brothers of many different ages that for some odd reason were drawn to me. I dont exactly remember how old every single one of them were but I know for a fact they were all at least 5 years or more older than me. One was even in high school. Theres alot of things I forget, but I will never forget the feeling those boys left me with. There was one time I went over to her house to play and we all decided to play hide and seek, the boys always argued over me because they all wanted to hide with me. Hiding isnt all that those boys had in mind. I rotated with the boys, and every time it was something different they wanted from me. As a kid though I didnt know it was wrong, I only knew it wasnt right because of how it made me felt. I didnt understand why they needed to touch me, or why i needed to touch them or look at them but I was five and they had all the power over me. There came to a point though where Id walk by the house and the feeling would happen all over again, needless to say I stopped going over there and stopped being that girls friend. There were more instances too but My mother never knew about this, no one knows about this.

Society started to change me as I got older. I was proud of who I was though and tried so hard to not change. Montel Williams even had me on his show and tried to pay and change me by giving me a whole new "girl" wardrobe that was honestly thrown out the minute i received it. He had me on live television talking to me about how who I was wasnt right.

While I lived with my mom I was able to be myself and still wear what I choose, but there was a point in my life where I couldnt handle my mom any more so I moved in with my dad and the woman who became my step mom. This woman is living proof that society makes people fear being who they are. The very first time I met this woman she had a look of disgust on her face. When I moved in she threw out all my clothes and made my step sisters share their clothes with me until she bought me my own. I lived to please this woman I needed acceptance. She made me grow my hair out and dress in clothes that had the color pink on them. I also was sent to a catholic school that had a uniform and if in the morning if I wasnt wearing a skirt to school I was bitched at. On occasion I was able to wear pants or shorts. I remember my first year there I was there we got our yearbooks and there was a picture of me with my friend and I standing next to each other, I was wearing shorts, had my short hair, and my hands were in my pocket. It was a good picture, but I was so quickly judged for it by my step mom that I hated it so bad I remember crying over it and blacking out the picture in all the year books in our house. My dad and my step mom both bitched me out and made fun of me so bad that in that moment I hated who I was. My step mom also started convincing me that who I am wasnt really who I am because my mother manipulated me into being that way. So I changed and started developing crushes and even had a few boyfriends.

Next came high school, ever gay kids worst nightmare. It wasnt to bad for me though I didnt date and just stuck to being that kid that was friends with everyone. Which was a great cover because I could flirt with all the girls and no one would ever know. But as I got older and puberty hit I became eye candy for lots of guys. I also was able to escape my step mothers grasp and moved in with my grandparents. Honestly the best thing that ever happened to me. It was like the person she turned me into completely left and I was back to my old self. Well kind of, it wasnt completely easy to except myself right away because of the damage left on me.

I wasnt able to except myself until two more uncomfortable situations with guys. For some odd reason everyone wanted to sleep with me. But the idea of sex made me so very very uncomfortable. One time i went over to this guys house that liked me but i just liked hanging out with him and the bros. We smoked and drank then he asked if i wanted to go watch a movie before we passed out. I was a little high but no where near drunk. I got comfortable and started to fall asleep and he asked what I was doing and I simply stated going to sleep and he was like appalled and said he feels like we should do stuff first. Then forced himself upon me. Nothing happened because I pretend to be so drunk that I couldnt even hold myself up. So it ended there and I never went back but being in that situation helped make my sexuality a little clear. I had many situations like this. So it wasnt like I didnt have the option to be straight just who I am didnt feel right being that way.

After I graduated I felt free, I didnt have to please anyone to make my life easier. It was just me I had to make happy. It was then I accepted who I was and I made a move and got my first girlfriend.

Accepting who we are shouldnt be hard and it wasnt hard for me until society made it that way. I was perfectly happy being who I was until it made it difficult for me to live. I was born gay. There is no doubt about it. Being gay is not a choice. Sure I could go make out with and guy and sleep with him, but that will not make me straight; that will make me uncomfortable and still very gay. I was born to feel happy and comfortable with girls. But society and boys made it very hard for me to be myself. It wasnt until my current girlfriend that I was able to let anyone get in my pants. But I am proud to be who I am, I am proud to be gay. It was a long hard journey finding that out, but once it was found everything made sense. Dont listen to the people who say being gay is a choice, because I guarantee every gay person will tell you a story which made them realize they were born gay not made gay.