An Open Letter To I.J.L.; My Hunny Bunny

Dear I.J.L.,

Hunny bunny, it’s me. You hate me, that’s good; it had to be this way. I knew you would be able do this when I couldn’t because you were so much stronger than me. I know that those last few days were pretty insane; I was pretty insane. I needed to be. I had to push you away for so many reasons. I was terrified of you. I was terrified of the way I felt about you and the connection that I felt with you. It was unlike anything I’d ever felt before and I couldn’t deal with you knowing it.

“…I still can’t figure out why you’re so crazy over me. It’s like you’re in love with me or something.” You said to me one night over text. I was vulnerable when you asked me, so I told you the truth.

I shouldn’t have. I should’ve carried that secret with me to the grave because it changed everything.

I want to believe that I did the right thing by pushing you away; that I did what I had to do. Even though it changed how you see me; even though I may never speak to you again; even though every ounce of me is missing you. You were my greatest sacrifice. You deserved to be happy with the girl that had you, not pushing back against my efforts to push you away. You tried so hard with me and I know it; I saw it. I don’t know why but you wanted me to stay. But there was someone else with more time to give that you could keep close. I did what I had to do for you.

I tried for over a week to push you away after I found out about your relationship, but I was never strong enough to leave you. No matter how hard I tried to stay away from you, I couldn’t. Once I found what ticked you off, it didn’t take much of me playing on it to wear you down and make you quit.

It needed to be this way.

If it were ever going to end you had to be the one to do it because you were always so much stronger than me, so much better at walking away. For someone who was so good at reading people you should’ve known that, despite my outspokenness and tenacity, what was happening was out of character for me. You should’ve sensed that it was forced or that it was off. But if you had noticed, maybe you would’ve stayed and kept fighting back.

I hope that you know you were amazing to me in every conceivable way. Handsome with gorgeous features, flawless skin and deep brown eyes. You possessed an intelligence that stimulated my mind and challenged me; you gave me knew information; indulged in my knowledge of both in-depth and inane topics. You would make me laugh so hard my cheeks burned and you even found humor in my otherwise dull jokes. You were the type of person I could cuddle up with and watch anime, talk to about mythology and count on for logical and thoughtful advice. You inspired me in ways that produced the most amazing creations. I was at peace when I was with you. Of course, you never saw any of this in yourself. But I did.

I know that if you ever read this, you’ll know that it’s about you. I loved you then and I love you now. I was enchanted to meet you and devastated to lose you. For the rest of my life, I will miss you with every ounce of me. I’m sorry that I didn’t know how to love you and keep you close. You were always so good at running away from me, I knew you would be able to leave me better than I could ever leave you. I’m sorry that I saw no other way out than pushing you off the edge. I’m sorry that, if you did ever feel anything for me, I never saw it. I was too busy trying to keep myself together. I hope one day you’ll forgive me and know that I loved you completely and limitlessly. Please understand that I needed you to hate me because you were strong enough to do what I could not. That piece of me will always be with you, please keep it safe. I miss you my hunny bunny, always and forever.

 

Author's Note

There are probably a ton of grammar inconsistencies. This was an expressive piece of writing, just things I needed to get out of my head and into writing. Please enjoy.