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You're in love with a beautiful girl of porcelain skin and and cunning womanly intelligence. And it's sabotage what you're doing because you look in her chest cavity to see her heart. But about the skull housing her brain? Still boyishly destructive not to give observation and love to those little blue veins- those brilliant lines connecting and overlaying and pumping different depths of bloody juice into heart which makes her lovely and her brain that makes her cunning. Ya know, how the very fair girls in the more frigid months have that translucent skin that allows you to see what she's composed of- how stars are made of hyper violent gas explosion and hydrogen and how the constellations are made of the burning slabs of galactic stone Leo Polaris Draco and Etamin- you see these veins which connect her valves and her gushing capillaries and her heart and brain which inspires her eyes to open and take note of you and gives her allowing cartilage upon her various appendages to unhinge and walk towards you. But it's likely you didn't notice these awing reactions and in actions and explosions that it took for her to open her heart and her brain and it's likely she'll be unhinging towards a person like you, who has now read this and who does not care.

Reviews

[Christoph]

You can't make judgments against your reader. And really, the premise here seems to be "most men don't care about women as deeply as I do," which is a narcissistic and juvenile idea.

For this to work, you would have to introduce a character to play the role of the male you're describing. From there I'd throw away the thesaurus and try to evoke the emotions you're looking for more succinctly.

Also, consider rhythm and flow. Line breaks would help.

Underneath all that, there's something to it. I think you've got the spirit of a writer, but a poor understanding of your own writing. You haven't yet figured out that you have to write for a reader. So far (and I'm using the Discover feature, so you may have come a long way since this piece) you just seem to be stroking your ego.