i see him roll onto his back
and sigh as he looks far away
his head tilted off the edge
his back slightly arched
hands resting on his stomach
and i know he wants to just jump
or maybe just roll off
stop this drone of sleeplessness
this constant breathing
this jaded pain
"it will get better."
"mhmm."
"trust me?"
"always."
i lay on my stomach next to him
dig my chin in his shoulder
and watch his eyes focus
on the movies playing only for him
I fully appreciate reviews, especially when they tear apart my work in an attempt to make it better. Rip, tea, break it down. Tell me how you do not like it, how to make it better. I want your opinion. Truly.
My Review
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Wow. You know, I'm glad you entered this poem into my contest. I feel there's so much more there than you're ever letting the reader know. The relationship between these two people is deep and I can feel the conncection you're establishing. I especially like the last two lines "and watch his eyes focus on the movies only for him." That's a strange thing to say about a movie, and I like the mystery and intrigue you've set up. Good job!
Posted 15 Years Ago
2 of 2 people found this review constructive.
Know That I Too
We are never alone (a poem for mental health month)
Love Me Not
1986, Penny Herrera falls into the predatory clutches of Matt, an older man who has no other intention than to alter Pen
Wow. You know, I'm glad you entered this poem into my contest. I feel there's so much more there than you're ever letting the reader know. The relationship between these two people is deep and I can feel the conncection you're establishing. I especially like the last two lines "and watch his eyes focus on the movies only for him." That's a strange thing to say about a movie, and I like the mystery and intrigue you've set up. Good job!
i'm not a writer; i am a liar. i sometimes write far too specifically; i sometimes write so vague even i lose track of what it is i'm on about. i tend to write when i can't think.
this seems to be.. more..