harboring something

i'll leave you to decide what this is really about.

I'm sitting in my bed watching anime. The opening is a catchy, bouncy j-pop song about love - it fills me up because of the tune, but then I read the English subtitles and it drains the color from my face. While I'm here I wonder what you're thinking. I don't even know why you're mad - if you'd just tell me at least I could wallow in filth that I know the contents of.

 

That's what this feels like - sitting in a giant, dark hole full of s**t. I can smell my own fear. I can feel the depression creeping up everywhere I look - the only thing keeping me from sneaking downstairs for a little 'treatment' on my knee is the fact that my parents are still up. The cutesy little chibis are only a minor distraction. I'm still thinking about you and what I did wrong - in the end, it's always my fault.

 

The very first thing I thought when I saw you was "holy s**t, someone who doesn't look like a f****r". The second thing was, "she looks just like Teresa." In reality, you and Teresa look nothing alike - her hair is short, she's curvy, her eyes are green, not brown, she doesn't have glasses. She smiles sometimes, too. I don't know why I thought you looked alike - maybe it was just wishful thinking, maybe it was that you brought back feeling to a part of me I'd finally shut off. You have no idea how fast my heart was beating. I thought I was going to keel over.

 

Then started the process of getting my hopes destroyed by my nearest and dearest. I pointed you out to my best friend and she automatically said, "you're right, she can pull off light yellow". That day you were wearing jeans and a yellow polo shirt. That was before I'd ever even heard your voice. Every day, my gaze would drift off in your direction. You know I never look at people, but this time I stopped listening, too. Every day became about just seeing you, and every night became about dreams of you.

 

You knew long before I told you, I'm sure.

 

The day I told you was one of the many times I've gotten The Best Friend Talk. I don't know if it stung more from you or Teresa. Looking back now, it doesn't matter. You both gave it. There's another similarity.

 

I don't know why you're so angry with me, but I know what it makes me want to do. I haven't felt this low since...I don't know when the last time was. I was shaking, Rochelle. And white. And sweating. You've become the new Joker - congratulations, I didn't think anything could scare me more than him. Devorah couldn't even calm me down, and neither could the thought of redheaded twincest. I can't breathe.

 

I don't know what to do. Yesterday you wanted me to make up with her and now you're mad because I did? You say sarcastically that I am a great friend, and I don't know how to handle it. I don't know what I did, and you won't tell me. I guess that goes to show how fair you are, anyway. I'm harboring something from you, from Cindy, from everyone I trust. I don't know who I trust anymore...I've never trusted anyone until you, and now I see where it got me.

 

I understand - you're angry.

But please tell me why.

That way I know what to put in the note.

Reviews

[rachel <3]

look if u want me to feel guilty it wont work
i pissed at u because i have begged u and her to make up and when u do what do i get...?
nothing.
no thank u
no im glad u where there even when i put u through hell
no im sorry i said yes even when i knew it would end badly
nothing
not from u
not from her
nothing
and u cannot understand why im pissed at u
hmmmm...?