She Doesn't Exist

Just a little piece I'm still working on.

Ring Ring

…

...

Hello?

Oh, you’re looking for her.

Well, this is a bit awkward.

But…

…

She doesn’t exist anymore

The atheist who flirts for attention,

She’s on permanent leave.

I don’t know the girl who you’re used to.

Her clothes were too tight, showed a little too much skin

…

…

Yup, THAT girl.

The one who needed constant validation.

The one a little too obsessed with drama

The one who didn’t care about grades.

Sorry that the person you wanted isn’t real.

She would cut, cry, and burn everyday

I was sick of living like that.

I’m a comfortable Christian,

Who still wants tattoos and piercings,

Because they’re cool.

I no longer cry over lost memories,

Instead I use them to help others.

I no longer disregard learnings,

Instead I use it to further myself.

Author's Note

dont be too harsh I guess, I know it's bad.

Reviews

[Nigel Newman]

Hi there. Actually, in my view this ISN'T bad, despite your author's note. The portrayal of a metamorphosed person from their perspective is quite clever. By being the 'me' you can say whatever you wish - who's to know, when everybody's experiences can be different.

I think I realised a few lines before the 'I' appeared that this was the girl talking, and I started to wonder whether/how you would do the owning up yes it's me part, and then you did. Interesting that you made it the last line of a verse rather than the first - sort of snuck in rather than shouted out. I'm sort of wondering whether you could have got away without telling the reader, perhaps by gradually making the descriptions less 3rd person or in the past so that the reader thinks 'hang on - is she talking about herself' but isn't totally sure. I think it would be more difficult to write, but with care, it could be more subtle, and perhaps more ultimately rewarding for the reader? Just a thought.

The other aspect of this that made me stop and think was the elements of the metamorphosis. The 'from' was a drama queen atheist - the 'to' is a contented balanced christian. Of course, any changes in beliefs, values, etc can lead to changes in behaviour. You hint at a cause and effect here with the conversion to christianity - was that the root of the change or an outcome from it? I could argue the case that she grew up, realised more about the consequences and effect of her behaviour upon others as well as on herself and realised it was time to change, and THEN found religion. But the way it reads, it feels a little more as though religion led to the changes.

One tiny typo in the last line - use 'them' to further myself.

Nice work! Definitely not 'bad'.

Regards
Nigel

[Rassoul]

I love this one, written so well!

[Ildo Urbuss]

Never say something is bad. Let the people who read this build their own opinion. I understand what are trying to say in these lines.
I'm not inspired to write a very big paragraph. I like what you did there.

[RannunculusBlooms]

NO I LOVE IT!! THE THEME AND WORDING IS A++