Dream (Unthinkably) (11/4/09)

walk towards the life you wish to lead

climb the rock you wish to jump from

bloom the dream you wish to seed

reach the goal you wish to come to

 

spread your wings far

sing with passion

jump the bar

live with expression

lead it until you reach the edge of the earth

jump from the highest point you can see

sow a seed that has only your worth

and come to a dream that only you believe 

farther than life

more passion than lust

a bar higher than the sky

more compassion than you must

the edge of the earth seems to go on forever

the highest point is seen as unreachable

its worth contain only a single endeavor

believe in a dream that to others is unthinkable

Reviews

[A.Lee]

I really like this. I think it has a very declarative feel to it. My only little comment is this line: "seed a seed that has only your worth". I would say "sow a seed.." or "plant a seed" maybe. Nice work though.

[Veritasexlogos]

Comment: This is a good poem of declaration. Hopeful. Affirmative. Engendering of the human spirit. It gives a good message and is inspiring. It seems to be praising individuality, which is always good. However;

Advise (opinion): Where is the complication? The complexity? The difficulty with declarative poetry is that we often lose the importance of declaring the message if we don't give credence to the other side. Why write what everybody already believes? Give me the other side, then show why this side is better? What are the temptations of not "spreading my wings" or "living with compassion"? We know people live this way, but why? Nobody looks at there own lives and says "I am not going to spread my wings" or "live with compassion". In other words, nobody is a stereotype. We all have reasons, and sometimes good ones, for doing what would otherwise not be good. Give me that side of things.

I fall with Chantel here as well. How much compassion does a dove really have? I also agree with The Perfectionist. Compassion and passion are too close to being the same word.

[The Perfectionist]

Hmm, I meant to click on a story of yours to review, but oh well.

Don't rhyme passion with compassion, it just looks tacky. Other than that, I side with Chantel on the lines to look at changing.

Also, your redundancy in the wording (while obviously intentional) comes on a little strong; you use the word 'dream' three times in the span of two lines, and you overuse the word 'seed' too. Consider a thesaurus maybe.

Minor problems all though, very imaginative still.

[Chantel]

Very inspiring, good write :)
Only two lines I would look at possibly changing are these:
"more compassion than a dove" (seems like you just needed a rhyme there so you threw that line in)
and "its worth contain ony a single endeavor" I really like this line but you might want to see if your grammar is what you wanted it to be there.

Other than that, I love this! Very inspiring, gives the feeling that there's almost no limit to what you can do if you put your mind and heart to it :)