Tree

simple wording on a very personal subject...

 Endless.

Branching from bark to trunk to branch twig and leaf

I escape you by covering so much ground

By placing every barrier possible in the way

From depression to racism to

The need to love and be loved by anyone willing to

Take me in this condition,

The condition that still has your violent touch reeking all over it.

 

I was hurt by someone I didn’t think could hurt me

Exposed to a sense of hate and fear that

I never knew existed

And no one came to save me, breaking all the rules of how the world should be

 

And in my ten-year-old mind you stole my pen and wrote my history so

I cannot feel one memory without you stepping in.

I cannot debate one subject or argue one point without

The influence of what you did to me

Leaking through and controlling my viewpoint, my stance on where I should be…

 

No matter how I grow you follow me,

Like a vine that strangles like a fungus that spreads and infects

You are my HIV because every cell in my body carries you,

Is copied to you and you let the dark thoughts in while I try

So hard to resist them. 

 

This battle is endless, and the distance doesn’t matter.

I cannot escape you no matter how far I stretch

And I never even loved you, never cared for you

Beyond the fact that we were both human

But you teased me and they said it was because you liked me…

 

And you hurt me so deeply that I am still exploring ground zero, the place where

My own September eleventh occurred and

That comparison seems ugly, like cheating or lying

But it is true, everything is compared to you what you did to me

And I cannot escape that frame of reference no matter how fast I climb

How high I jump or even when I fly, you slowly drag me down.

 

I feel covered in you no matter how hard I scrub, like you raped everything I was, everything except my body you touched and polluted

made my best friends think twice about liking me…

 

and I used you as an excuse for so many things

why I don’t date why I discriminate against some boys why I blush and hide

I have never worn a thong because I thought I was too ugly because

That is what you told me and ten years later I am

still believing in everything you said, even

Though I knew it was a lie because the boundaries of society bind me and God

I just want to get away from the person you made me.

 

Because you hit me and I couldn’t hit you.

Because you pushed me and they watched me so closely make sure I never touched you because I was ready to explode and they knew it,

They jumped on me for things you would always do because

I became combustible, so easily agitated after you…

 

And this battle is endless push and pull between who I was, who I am and the third part of me that will never be because you scared

her away just as she was taking shape.

 

And I tell myself I am lucky to have felt the things I felt

To know the feeling of burning hate and desperation but the feeling of utter helplessness, a crippling sensation that locks you in this place of motionless turmoil until the bombs are dropped and the troops are gone.

 

You hide there until the air clears until the boots are gone an it grows quiet,

Then you come out and walk in the sun, feeling it, loving it but knowing that you will never be the same.

 

I will never branch that way again for the bark is burned through, dead weight dragging my arms into the water where rot enters my bones

and my mind, taking up residence inside me aging me in ways that seem impossible.

I am a tree that will never feel the sun in the same way because my

Growth was stunted.

 

I was hurt by someone I was told could never would never should never hurt me

And when the lies came through and promised me things I never saw I decided that the sun wasn’t worth stretching for, I grew, flourished in the shade

 

And now I invade your heart like a virus, the HIV of the human race the thing

You love to hear but hate to taste I am the last thing you  would ever want to remember but you do because I manipulate you into thinking you

Could have should have done something, make you think

That you would have done something if you’d been there

 

But it all happened ten years ago, a decade ago which has past and new, better trees are growing and they need your help so much more than me.  I am just the foliage that gives shade in the summer to the young and slides aside as they grow strong enough to face the drought and blast of heat on their own.

 

Because I am always branching, trying to fix in others what wasn’t fixed in me

Honestly thinking that I can escape the rot within me if I can just

Point out, focus on and heal the beginning of black spots in you, and God

I’d do anything just to burn it all away , but it is too deep,

It became a part of me before I knew what it was doing, latching onto my best memories, the most important parts of me – my words.

 

And I cannot give those up, cut off that weight because

I could not stand to be voiceless, helpless and powerless once again.

Reviews

[STurner]

Tremendously powerful. Deeply personal and real.

I sense your "death" through your words: "I'd do anything just to burn it all away , but it is too deep/ It became a part of me before I knew what it was doing, latching onto my best memories, the most important parts of me � my words/And I cannot give those up, cut off that weight because/I could not stand to be voiceless, helpless and powerless once again."

To this, I say: Bravo! May you always rage against the night!

Keep writing.It's sheer excellence that rises above the pain. Peace and blessings to you.

[JRB]

this love was never a love, nor would it ever have been, death followed its ways,
Jan/uisiom

[Poeticpiers]

A powerpackedConfession no that is the wong word A revelation would be more suitable.What was not your fault needs no repentance from you.May he be forever cursed by his memories But such men have no conscience to prick them at least not in this life