Tonight, You're Her's

I want to tell you ‘I love you.’

Scream it from the back porch 

As you walk to your car, 

Your blue-green eyes looking at me 

Would feel like the whole world’s were, 

But tonight, 

You’re her’s. 

I want to tell you ‘I love you.’ 

I’d try to give you my heart to hold,

But you’ve got a grip on her’s with two hands, 

And I’m not selfish enough to ask you to let go, 

Just selfish enough to wish you would.

But I already know who you prefer, 

And tonight, 

You’re her's. 

I want to tell you 'I love you.' 

Tell you how you've been in three of my dreams, 

And hundreds of my thoughts just this week. 

How I've been up until three in the morning, 

Trying to dissect your words, 

Knowing damn well that I'm undiscerning. 

All the while knowing 

That tonight, 

You're her's. 

I want to tell you 'I love you.' 

How lucky you are to be this adored 

And have the luxury to not even notice. 

The last man I really loved broke me, 

But at least in the process, I was his focus. 

You can stay unaware to everything, 

Because you've already got your world, 

And while I'm trying to tell you these things, 

Tonight, 

You're her's. 

Reviews

[emipoemi]

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That is the sound of speechlessness. Holy freaking kwap!! I have no words.....my voice is in my awe!! This is brilliant on sooooo many levels, and I've felt this feeling from the opposite angle. But this is sooooo well-executed, with strong imagery and superb sound work and musicality, that the cathartic finale is all the more profound and powerful in that regard. The only critique I have is in your grammar, if I may be so bold:

"hers" has no apostrophe and "unaware" is generally followed by "of" not "to". You could consider fiddling around with word order/wording itself to amp up the power of the musicality (like saying instead ".....hundreds of thoughts this week alone"), but that suggestion is not a dire must. You have woven a gem with this poem, and it was a pleasure to read. Well freaking done!!

[caitlainmcguire]

Thank you!

[emipoemi]

my pleasure.

[CD Campbell]

Quite fond of the repetition in your stanzas. Reminds me of a pantoum, but modified for a type of free verse setting. Your poem seems tight and nice to look at when you zoom out and take it all in. It has a nice geometric figure to it. That shouldn't be ignored, of course. As far as the meat of your verse, it pulls on all the right strings, brings out the emotion with a sympathy that we are all familiar with. Good stuff. Have a great day. CD

[Chris Shaw]

Unrequited love, it sucks. It really is hard. You describe the feelings well. An enjoyable first read of your work. Keep writing.

Chris

[caitlainmcguire]

Thank you!

[Chris Shaw]

A pleasure

[olla]

a very good first offering.. love has no reason.. unreturned love even less.. your poetry described it well..

[caitlainmcguire]

thank you!