Maybe It's True

          Chapter 1

 

The only escape out of a nightmare is to wake up. But sometimes, the nightmares become real. It's hard to escape a nightmare when they become real.

In this case, it's my best friend's death.

Not only did she die, but it was her who ended it.

Suicide.

It's almost as if she just disappeared.

These days, I can't sleep. I've turned into an insomniac.

            When I do sleep, I dream of Maisie. I dream of the call I got the day after Summer break started. I dream of all the memories we shared. I dream of all the memories we could have shared. Most of all, I dream of what I could've done to help her though whatever it was she was going through. Maybe I was so wrapped up in myself that I never saw the signs.

            I toss and turn in my bed, and then look up at the clock on my nightstand.

            6:04 a.m.

            Less than one more hour till the first day of my senior year.

            I should get up to get ready. The thing is, I don't want to. I've been quite enjoying the solitude this summer. My parents haven't even said anything about it. They've been so preoccupied with work and getting my younger sister Alana to cheer camps. We didn't even get to go to Maisie's funeral because neither of my parents could take the day off. Of course, I didn't want to go anyways. The only reason why I would've gone is because it would seem rude not to. Her parents are the kind of parents I wish I had. Originally I was going to carpool with them to the funeral, but they ended up not having enough room in their car. Maisie was not an only child, after all. She is- was- the first of seven.

            Groaning, I get up.

            My room is a mess. I haven't cleaned it since before summer. I walk to my closet and pick out a blue blouse and a flower printed circle skirt. Looking at the mirror, I stare at myself for a moment. My newly dyed platinum blonde hair was a mess, my hazel eyes had bags under them from getting no sleep, I basically looked like a wreck. I grab my comb and brush my long hair to its normal straight self, but I put no eye makeup on. There was no point. It would only make it look worse. Last of all, I put on my flats, grab my backpack- which had nothing but a pencil or two in it- as well as my phone. I don't bother checking my phone for notifications anymore. Hell, I'm hardly on it anymore. I haven't spoken to anyone all summer, besides my parents and my sister. My close friends have become my distant friends. Or rather, maybe we aren't friends at all anymore. Sure, they've tried contacting me on my cell phone or social media, but I never answered any of it. Why, you ask? I wanted to be alone. I wanted to grieve in peace. Maisie, after all, was my best friend. It's been that way since the 6th grade, when she moved next door, right next to my house.

            Its not easy walking outside and seeing that house. So many memories took place there. I close my blinds and put a blanket over my window. Her room is directly across from mine.

            I remember the day we met.

            She had just moved in, and she was sitting on the lawn, reading. Her brown curly hair was in a ponytail, her tan skin almost too perfect. Probably the prettiest girl I  had ever seen. Back then, I was shy. For an hour I stared out my window debating whether I should talk to her or not. Eventually, my mom saw me staring and she forced me to.

            I walk carefully up to her and say, "Hi."

            "Hi." She says back, looking up from her book. Her bright blue eyes stared up at me.

            "I'm Lux."

            "What an odd name. I'm Maisie."

            "I could say the same about yours," I paused. "Do you want to be friends?"

            Maisie laughed. "You're quite awkward, Lux. But yes. I would very much like to be friends."

            And thus began our 5 year friendship.

            Lost in my thoughts, I'm already out the front door, locking it. I already know nobody is home. They all leave so early. Even Alana. She's a sophomore this year. Growing up, Alana and I were inseparable. Up until Maisie came into the picture. Now we don't talk much. Actually, we've only spoken at least once ever since Maisie's death. My family and I don't sit at the dining table for dinner like Maisie's family does. Most of the time, Alana and I are in our rooms, while mom and dad are in the living room watching TV. We're the definition of dysfunctional.

            My school is only a block away. Right now I consider myself lucky.

            I check my phone.

            6:50 a.m.

            10 minutes till class. I still have to pick up my schedule.

            Before I know it, I'm standing in front of my school. It's my first day as a senior and I already can't wait to graduate. I quicken my pace and climb up the stairs to the door, and I hesitate when opening it.

            Finally, I do.

            Its times like this where I just want to hide, and shut myself out from the world.

            They're all staring at me.

            All of them.

            If this is how it'll be most of the day, I just might have a breakdown.

            I duck my face downwards, and hide my face with my hair, walking through the hallway as fast as I can. All I need is to get to the office to get my schedule, go to class, then  maybe it won't be so bad.

            Who are you kidding, Lux, I tell myself. It'll be horrible.

            It pains me that Maisie probably didn't bother to think how her actions could affect her parents, siblings, or me. I can feel the eyes on me, I can hear the whispers.

            Finally, I reach the office.

            Everyone inside stops to look, but only for a second.

            "Hi, Lux" the office lady says, and she already knows why I'm here. She prints out my schedule and hands it to me.

            "Thanks," I say softly, then take a look at my first class.

            AP Chemistry.

            I've always been one of the top students in my class, and so was Maisie. If Maisie were alive, she'd probably make it to valedictorian at the end of the year. She was popular, smart, and pretty. She'd always have a book in her backpack. Maisie may have been popular, but she always included me in everything. I was never the third wheel thanks to her. She was different. That's one thing I loved about her.

            Heading out of the office, I accidentally bump into someone.

            "Sorry." I mumble, so softly I doubt they could hear.

            "Oh. Hey." A familiar voice says.

            I look up.

            Oh no.

            Carter. He smiles softly. The kind of smile all the girls swoon over.

            This is what I've been dreading. Carter, Carter, Carter. Bumping into Carter. Maisie's old boyfriend Carter. Didn't know it would happen literally.

            "How are you?" he asked.

            "I-I'm fine," I stutter. Of course, it was a lie. "What about you? How are you?"

            "I've been better." Is all he says.

            I nod. "Right. Well... I got to go."

            I start to walk away, but then he grabs my arm and says, "Wait. Listen, are you sure you're okay? I tried messaging you but, well, you never answered."

            "My bad." Then I walk away before he could say anything else.

           

You could say that the first half of the day was pretty horrid. So far, every single one of my classes were with Carter.

            He looked over at me a few times, I could tell because I sat in the back of the classrooms. Of course, it wouldn't stay that way for very long. Perhaps he was looking at someone else. Though that's not likely. I tried not to look at him back, but it was hard. Before Maisie came around the sixth grade, I had a massive crush on Carter that started in the 2nd grade. I never told anybody, mainly because I had no friends to tell. I was never pretty enough to hang out with the pretty girls. Who knew that they would eventually become my friends. Once I got to know them, I learned maybe they weren't so bitchy after all. However, sometimes I wonder if our friendships were always fake; maybe they were just using me to get to Maisie. It's something I've always wondered, but I would never confront them about it.

            Carter had always been nice to me. He is just one of those guys that is friends with everybody, someone who girls always have crushes on. I was just another one of those girls. So when Maisie came along, it didn't matter anymore. The first day she arrived at school, Carter would flirt with her. You could say at one point I was jealous, but when they first started dating in the 8th grade, the jealousy was gone. Carter was hers, and Maisie was his. It stayed that way all up until Maisie's death the day after 11th grade ended. Five years of them being friends, then three years as lovers, and Carter doesn't seemed phased about her death at all. And here I am, a nervous wreck.

            It's lunch time now and I'm sitting alone. The stares have died down, but not all the way. I don't really mind sitting alone. Heck, before Maisie, it was like this all the time. But back then I had dirty blonde hair, glasses and an unusual choice of style.

            From where I sit, I can see my old group of friends. Cecilia, Penny, Vanessa and of course, Carter and his guy friends from football.

            Cecilia, Penny and Vanessa all glance at me, but it doesn't last long. They probably got the message that I didn't want anything to do with them anymore when I didn't answer any of their texts. I take out my phone from my backpack, and scroll through them.

 

Vanessa: Hey, I just heard. You okay?

Penny: Can you call me asap?

Cecilia: Why do you think she did it?

Vanessa (a week later after me not responding): We're all worried about you, please respond.

 

            Its not that I didn't appreciate their concern, I just didn't have the energy to answer. Since I'm on my phone already, I check the messages from Carter:

 

(The day after Maisie's death) Hey, can we talk?

(yesterday) I know you were close to her, I was too. I think we should talk tomorrow. Hang out at lunch, maybe? We all miss you, Lux.

 

            I sigh. I didn't see that message, but even if I did... I still probably wouldn't have answered.

            Putting my phone away, I look up at them one last time. Carter keeps glancing at me as he talks to his buddies, and eventually waves to me. Right then, I get up, and walk away, but before leaving, I take a quick peek at Carter. He puts his hand through his black  hair, and takes a deep breath, but then sits down at the table with the rest of the group.

 

The rest of the day wasn't as bad as the first half. Carter is only in my first three classes, the other two have both Vanessa and Penny in them, but no sign of Cecilia, which is almost strange to see.

            I take a trip to my locker, then head home.

            Knowing Alana, she would be out an hour or two hanging with friends. So I would be home alone, as nearly always.

            On the way home, I stop to look at Maisie's house.

            You know, it'd be nice to know why she did it. Why she ended her life so soon. Sometimes I wonder if she has a journal or diary in her room. Maisie has always had her own room, unlike her other siblings. Something tells me her room has been untouched since her death. I wonder if her parents even go in there at all. That is, after all, the very room she died in. It was her little sister who discovered her, apparently. The three-year-old. She had gone into her room to see if Maisie could read to her. If that's not depressing, I don't know what is.

            Subconsciously, I walk up to the Woodley's front door, and knock. What am I doing? I'll probably find nothing; and who knows if they'll even let me go up there. Mrs. Woodley is the one who answers the door. She looks surprised to see me. I can't blame her. I'm surprised myself.

            "Oh, what a nice surprise, Lux. What are you doing here?" Maisie's mother sounds almost restless, which makes sense having 7- I mean 6- kids.

            My hair drops down into my face. I pull it back behind my ear. "I was wondering... could I see Maisie's room? Just one last time?"

            She smiles sadly and says, "Of course, dear. Come inside." She opens the door for me to walk in, and I do.

            "Well, you remember where it is, go ahead Lux," she says as she closes the front door.

            As I walk up stairs, Mrs. Woodley stops me by saying, "Lux?"

            I stop climbing and look at her "Yes, Mrs. Woodley?"

            "Take whatever you want." Then she walks away, saying nothing more.

 

            Maisie's room was indeed just how she left it. Except now, dust has gathered on everything. her books, her shelves, her bed. Everything.

            When I had entered the room, I made sure to close the door. I didn't want one of Maisie's siblings walking in on me and getting mad that I was snooping through their sisters stuff.

            Immediately after I close the door I start to look. I look through her clothes drawer, her vanity's drawer, under her bed, through all her books, just hoping to find something. Something, anything, that will help me finally know why she did it. Did she feel she couldn't talk to me? Did she feel alone? Did anyone hurt her physically? Oh god. I don't even want to think about that.

            The last place I look is her closet, which at first, looked just full of clothes. Maisie has tons of clothes, as well as shoes. She was voted the best dressed in 8th grade. And she probably would've been senior year, if she had just asked for help.

            Then, something catches my eye.

            A small brown chest, something where Maisie put all of our pictures and the notes we passed during middle school.

            Of course.

            If she had a journal, diary, or whatever, she would definitely put it here. We both had keys to chest; mine has to be somewhere. Maisie's was always around her neck, and it probably got buried with her.

            The chest was heavy, but I carried it all the way home. When I got there, I looked at the clock. 5:30 p.m. My parents as well as my sister have got to be home right now.

            On the way to my room, I run into my mom who's holding a laundry basket in her hands.

            "Lux. Where have you been?"

            I look at her then at the chest in my hands then back to her again.

            "I was at the Woodley's."

            My mom didn't look surprised, and I didn't expect her to. Nothing Alana and I do ever seems to surprise her.     My mom opened her mouth to say something, but then Alana walked by and said "I'm surprised she even went to school."

            "Alana!" my mom says sternly, then grabs something from the laundry basket and whacks her with it.

            All I do is roll my eyes, then walk away heading to my room.

            The minute I set the chest down on my bed I start shuffling through my messy room to find the key. An hour or two later, after searching twice, nothing. My family has probably eaten dinner already, so I decided to skip out on it. It probably wasn't anything special anyways. Nothing we ever have is. Except maybe when family is over, but that's hardly ever.

            Giving up on finding the key, I plop onto my bed. Maybe I'll try again tomorrow. Perhaps I'll take a bobby pin of Alana's when she's not home.

            Slowly, I fall asleep, and this time, I don't dream of Maisie.

           

           

Chapter 2

 

            The next morning, we're being paired up in AP Chemistry. I'm hoping to get paired up with James Cass, who most likely, will take place of Maisie's spot for valedictorian. Although I'm sure everyone is hoping to get paired up with him. There are fourteen  kids in this class now, one dropped out.  I listened as the teacher called out the names of the students. James already got picked.

            "Lux and Carter."          

            What?

            My jaw drops, and I look over to Carter. He looks like he's trying his best not to smile as he looks over at me and shrugs. I don't bother to move, so he does. I close my eyes, open them, and grow tense as he sits down right next to me. Feeling him stare at me, I turn my head the other way.

 

Lunch time comes around and someone is sitting in my spot in the quad. I decide to sit down at a bench by a water fountain, nowhere near my old group. But from a distance, I can still see them. They're laughing at something Derek, one of Carter's friends, had said. Shaking my head, I turn on my phone and scroll down my contacts till I get to the M's. There's only two there. Mom and Maisie. I click on Maisie's and press delete, when a message appears:

Are you sure you want to delete this contact?

            Reluctantly, I press cancel. Instead I call her. I almost expected her to answer. It goes into voicemail. "Hi, you just called Maisie. I'm either not by my phone at the moment or I'm avoiding your call. Later." I know I shouldn't have called her. The moment I did, I regretted it. Tears were running down my eyes, but no sounds came out of my mouth or nose.

            "Hey you." a voice said from right next to me.

            Quickly, I wipe away the tears, and turn to them. Carter. How could I not see him coming? How long has he been here?

            "Did you- did you just call Maisie?" he asked.

            "Is it that obvious?"

            He looks me up and down, then grabs my phone. "Hey!" I shout, then try to grab it from him, but he's already up and standing. He's around 6 feet. Me, however, 5'7. I was no match for him. Embarrassed, I look around, hoping nobody is watching. But oh, they are. My old group turns around to face us, and Cecilia whispers something into Penny's ear. I turn away, and pretend I didn't see.

            "There." Carter gives me my phone back, and I glare at him. "What? I did you a favor. I deleted her contact. Something you should have done months ago, my friend." I pretend to still be mad, but I'm actually grateful. Sure, I would've deleted it eventually, but it wasn't going to be anytime soon. "I should get back to my friends. If you want to join me, you're more than welcome to." I shake my head, and he shrugs. "Suit yourself." I watch him as he walks away, back to his friends. My old "friends". If I went back now, it'd never be the same. Maisie was the only reason why I had stayed. Now that she's gone, there's no point in interacting with them. Say I did start hanging with the girls again. I'd be the fourth wheel, no doubt about it. What would they even say to me? Most likely, nothing. And when they do talk to me, there's no doubt in my mind that they wouldn't talk about Maisie. I already think about her enough.

            The bell rings, and I make my way to English 12.

            When I get there, Vanessa and Penny were already seated, and when they see me walk in, they exchange looks.

            Now I really can't wait to graduate.

 

As soon as I get home, I go into Alana's room. There has got to be some bobby pins in here. I always see a billion in her hair. The first thing I check is her vanity table, and there was only a few pins there. The rest must be in her hair, I think to myself. I cringe when I pick one up because there is a knot of hair on it. I pick the hair off and drop it on her floor. It's not like there probably isn't a bunch there already.

            I head back to my room and get the chest from under my bed. I've never tried to unlock a lock with a bobby pin before. Knowing me, it's going to be a challenge. I jam the bobby pin right into the lock and try to twist it. I do it several times before it gets stuck. "The hell," I say, trying to get the bobby pin out. Eventually I give up. Sighing, I stand up.

            Pop.

            The sound came from behind me. I look back, and the chest is slightly open. Quickly, I sit down and open it up. I shuffle through the pictures, reading every note that I can, until I reach the bottom. There's a tiny compartment in the bottom, so small it can only fit pieces of jewelry or... a piece of paper. I open the compartment and there it is. It could just be another note from middle school, but I wasn't so sure. It was a whole piece of binder paper folded up.

            Carefully, I unfold the paper. I read what's inside, taking everything in at once.

1. Be in two places at the same time

2. Go on school camping trip

3. Sleep under the stars

4. Befriend Tracie Mathers

5. Go to a party

6. Smoke a cigarette

7. Drink alcohol

8. Skinny dip in river

9. Break up with Carter

10. Kiss Tracie Mathers

            At first, I'm mortified. What is this? Things to do before she kills herself? Most of these things we did together. Except for 9 and 10 of course. Before I jump to any more conclusions, I read the bottom:

Must complete before Senior year!!!

            What? So she didn't have any intention of killing herself? I don't even know what to think. Was it an act of impulse? Why would she want to break up with Carter? Most of all, why would she want to kiss Tracie?

            Tracie Mather's graduated last year. She was in fact, the only open lesbian at our school. We don't exactly live in an area that's "accepting". I've never had a problem with it; it's something I was taught to just accept. My mom's brother Ryan- my uncle- after all, is gay. Tracie, though ridiculed, always got invited to the hottest parties. No one ever hung out with her at lunch or break, though; not since she came out in her sophomore year. She always spent her time in the art room. I haven't seen her since the end-of-the-year party, and I wouldn't surprised if I never saw her again.

            Maybe Maisie was just curious. She had been dating Carter for three years, after all. And I know for a fact that they were intimate. Maisie and I don't keep secrets from each other. Or so I thought.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Chapter 3

 

November 1st, Junior Year

#1: Be in two places at the same time

 

            "Maisie? Where the hell are we?' Cecilia asked in the backseat of Maisie's car.

            Cecilia, Vanessa, and Penny were all in the backseat. I had called shotgun. Of course, I didn't know where we were going either. Maisie said to Carter's party, but we were nowhere near his house. Besides, Maisie didn't go to Carter's parties. She never did at all, in fact.

            "We're almost to the California State line," Maisie said, and as I looked at her, I noticed a mischievous smile beginning to form on her face.

            "I thought you said we were going to Carter's party!" Penny whined.

            Maisie's smile widened. "This is going to be much better than any party of Carter's. Trust me." And when she said that, I knew what we were going to do.

            We are going to be in two places at the same time.

            Maisie had always wanted to do it. She had talked about it ever since the sixth grade, the year I met her. Her parents never bothered to do it, even when they passed the line the day they moved to California. Since she had gotten her license the day before on Halloween, she finally gets to do it. Why she felt the need to bring all of us along, I'll never know. We aren't too far from the state line, we are actually just an hour away.

            All of a sudden, Maisie's car slowed down. She pulled over to the side. "S**t, s**t, s**t." She said as she slapped her hand on the wheel.

            "Oh great. Now we're stuck in the middle of nowhere." Cecilia muttered.

            Maisie rolled her eyes. "I'll call my mom. No big deal."

            "Are you telling me I can't go home for another two hours!?" Penny asked, but no one had answered. I had looked back at Vanessa. She was quiet, as always. Out of all of them, I admired her most.

            "The state line isn't too far from here, we should go to it. After all, we have an hour to wait. Let me call my mom first." Maisie dials her home phone number on her flip phone, and tells her mom that the car broke down. "Okay, mom. Yeah, love you too. Bye." She closed her phone and it made a snap sound. Maisie is the only one of us who doesn't have a touch screen. Her parents didn't let her go on any social media while she was alive.

            Cecilia is the first to get out of the car. She's the most impatient out of all of us. The rest of us got out of the car, taking our time. I noticed Cecilia tapping her foot after I got out of the car, with her arms crossed.

            By the time we got to the state line, the highway was dead quiet.

            I gasp as Maisie grabbed my hand and pulled me into the middle of the road.

            "Maisie, this is dangerous!" I yelled, but she was too busy laughing, spreading her legs to where one was in California and the other in Nevada.

            "I'm in two places at once, baby!!!" Maisie shouted. We all looked at her as if she were crazy.

            "There's a truck coming!" Vanessa said, but not loud enough.

            At the last minute, I pulled Maisie away, and we landed in the dirt.

            "Do you have a death wish or something?. What were you thinking?" Cecilia asked in an irritated voice.

            Maisie just lays in the dirt, laughing.

            "I want to go home." Penny whines.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Chapter 4

 

(Present Day)

 

            Its been more than three weeks since school started. Carter hasn't been bothering me much except for in AP Chemistry. Of course, he kind of has to. I won't talk to him unless absolutely necessary, and I think it drives him mad.

            Every time I see Carter,  I think of number 9 on the list. Break up with Carter. Why would she want to break up with him? They've been together for three years. I thought she loved him. Maybe she did love him. Just not the way Carter loved her. I wonder if they did break up before Maisie's death, though I'm too afraid to ask.

             Today is Friday, and I'm glad. These past couple weeks have been exhausting.

            "Lux?" I hear Carter from beside me in Chemistry say.

            What? I mouth. He hands me a small piece of paper. My stomach curls up as I open it.

            Want to go to my party tonight?

            I roll my eyes, look at him, and crumple up the piece of paper. He cringes as I do so.

            "Ouch." He says.

            The teacher looks up from his desk. "Did I hear you say something back there, Mr. Daniels?"

            "No sir." I watch him as he rubs his hand against the back of his fair skinned neck, then look back down at our shared desk to do my work.

 

It's 9:00 p.m. and my weekend is already getting off to a boring start. This is what summer was like. It was a never ending cycle of pondering, eating and sleeping. Carter's party has probably started by now. I've only been to two parties in my whole life: Carter's party and Carter's friend Derek's yearly end-of-the-year party. Though it was only because of Maisie. It was on her list. Number 5. Go to a party. Before the list was made, Maisie was never interested in going to Carter's parties. It makes me wonder why all of a sudden she wanted to go.

            Before I think things through, I ask my dad if I can borrow his car. Looking surprised, he said, "Of course." I guess I've just been surprising everyone lately. First, I go to school. Secondly, I show up at Maisie's house. And third, I ask for my dad's keys to his car.

            I got my license right before summer started, but I haven't driven since the end-of-the-year party almost 4 months ago. So I may be a little rusty.

            And I was.

            Slowly, I drive to Carter's house. I've been there only a billion times, so I know exactly where it is. When we were younger, Carter always invited me to his birthday parties. My parents always made me go. I tried really hard to interact with the other kids, but my social skills- even to this day- weren't that great. It wasn't until Maisie that I started going to Carter's house on a regular basis. I'm not talking about to his parties. The group would always watch movies at his house, swim in his pool, etc. When Maisie and Carter were ever alone, I'm not sure. Maisie and Carter always invited the group along when going places.

            When I reach Carter's house, I see people from school outside with red solo cups in their hands. Carter lives with his aunt, and she's gone almost all the time. Where Carter gets the alcohol, I'll never know. I've only drank alcohol once in my life, and it's not something I want to do again. It's not that it had a bad effect on me, it just tastes horrible.

            I park my dad's car, and when I get out, I can feel eyes on me.

            "What's she doing here?" I hear someone whisper as I go up to the front door. Before I reach the doorknob, someone opens the door. I'm already regretting this.

            "Lux?" asked a surprised voice. Carter.

            "Hey." I say, looking up at him, wondering how he got so tall. He was an inch shorter than me in fifth grade. Once we hit sixth grade he hit a huge growth spurt. Now he's at least 4 to 5 inches taller than me. His parents are probably tall. I've never met them. They were both sent to jail on drug charges, and that's when Carter moved in with his aunt. He doesn't talk about it much.

            Carter grinned. "So you decided to come after all." I nod, and he gestures me to come inside. Once I do, he asks, "Do you want anything to drink?"

            "Nah, I'm good." I keep myself from coughing as a girl walks past me smoking a cigarette.  Seeing how I reacted, Carter takes the cigarette from the girl and puts it out in a plants soil-filled pot by the door. "What the hell, man!" the girl shouts, then walks out the front door.

            I laugh and put my hand over my mouth. "Is she even from our school?"

            He shakes his head and says, "Derek probably invited her, most likely." He pauses. "Hey, I'm going to go to the bathroom, will you still be here when I get back?"

            "Most likely. I don't have anything better to do."

            Smiling again, he says, "Great. I'll only be a minute." Then he darts up the stairs.

            "Lux, what a surprise." I jump as I hear a voice right behind me. The person walks in front of me, and it's Cecilia. It's been so long since I heard her voice I hardly recognized it as hers.

            "Oh. Cecilia. You scared me." She smiles as I say so, then puts a hand on my shoulder.

            "Listen, I don't know why you're here, and I honestly don't care," oh god "but just so you know, Carter is going to end up with me, so you shouldn't bother flirting with him." I was flirting with him?

            "He's all yours, Cecilia." I say. Her smile fades, as if she actually wanted the drama and competition.

            "Oh, well, good." She looks taken aback by my answer. As soon as she see's Carter walking down the stairs, she heads that way, saying "Hey Carter," as if wanting to start a conversation.

            Not looking at her, he says, "Hey." Then walks back to me.

            I feel bad for her, but I not going to lie. I felt a twinge of satisfaction rising up inside of me. Cecilia, while we were in the same group, always tried to turn everyone against me. It never worked. Now that Maisie is gone, she's head of her group once again. She kind of reminds me of Regina George from Mean Girls in a way.

            "What was that about?" Carter asks.

            I watch as Cecilia looks at me and raises an eyebrows, then walks away. "What do you mean?"

            "I saw you talking to Cecilia."

            "Oh, right. She was just asking how I was doing." Carter gives me a suspicious look, then just nods. He doesn't believe me, I can tell. But he doesn't question me any further.

            "Do you want to go somewhere and talk?" he puts a hand through his hair, something he usually does when he's nervous. What does he have to be nervous about? I shrug and say, "It couldn't hurt." He leads me up the stairs and we head towards his room.

            When he opens the door, there's a couple making out on his bed. "Can you two get the hell out of here." It wasn't a question, it was more of a demand. Hearing Carter's voice, the two stop and look mortified. They get up, and the girl picks up her shirt but doesn't put it on before they both run out. Carter laughs when they're gone and sits on his bed, leaving the door to his room open. I sit next to him, but I make sure it's a distance away.

            "So," he starts "why did you come here?"

            I look down at my feet. "I don't know. I guess I just felt... lonely."

            "Spending the whole summer in your room will do that to you." At first I think he's just messing with me, but when I look at him, his face tells me a different story. He wasn't messing with me, he was dead serious.

            "Yeah..." is all I could say.

            "I loved Maisie too. But that doesn't mean I'm just going to stop living my life."

            "Did you two break up before she died?" I regretted saying it as soon as it came out of my mouth. He looks at me, baffled.

            "What? No. Why would you even ask that?"

            I frown, and for a minute, I debate whether or not to tell him about the list. "No reason," I lie. "I was just curious, is all."

            "You're one oddball, Lux. You always have been."

            I look back down at my feet, and wonder if he's lying. Maybe Maisie didn't break up with him. Maybe she decided to skip that one on her list. If she did kiss Tracie though, that would mean she had cheated. Maisie's no cheater, but what do I know. It seems like I hardly knew her at all now that she's dead.

            "Do you ever wonder why she killed herself?" I ask him.

            Carter rubs his hand over his mouth. "Yeah, all the time, actually."

           

           

Chapter 5

 

December 5th, Junior Year

#2: Go on school camping trip

 

            Once a year in December before Winter break, the Juniors and Seniors get to go on a school camping trip for five days. I didn't want to go my Junior year, but as always, Maisie persuaded me otherwise.

            "Com'on, you have to go! Everybody's going. Besides, it means no homework for five days. Would you really want to pass up an opportunity like that?" Maisie's blue eyes had twinkled as she said it.

            "I have no problem doing homework." I said.

            She rolled her eyes. "I know you don't. Can you please just go? I'm not going to stop bothering you until you say you will!"

            "But I hate camping. You know that."

            "Please!" she begged.

            I groaned. "Fine."

            Maisie squealed and hugged me so tightly, I almost couldn't breathe. 

 

Two days later, it was Monday and we left on a bus at 8:00 a.m. sharp. Carter and Maisie sat together, right across from Derek and I.

            At one point during the ride, Derek had tried to put his hand in my pants, but I smacked his hand away.

            I hope this bus has cameras, I had thought.

            When we reached our destination I couldn't have been more overjoyed. I'd be lying if I said Derek stopped there, and the whole rest of the ride he left me alone. That's most certainly not what happened.

            I've known Derek since the 6th grade, he came right before Maisie did. Two weeks before, in fact. He didn't always used to be a pervert. Derek was a nice guy, up until he reached puberty in 9th grade. His voice got deeper, his body became more built, and most of all, he became more sexually aroused. Maybe too sexually aroused. Up until high school, I always thought he was cute. After Carter and Maisie started dating, I thought I just might have a crush on him. We even went on a date; worst and most awkward date of my life, as well as the only date I've ever been on. The thing about that date with Derek was, I was the one who had to start the conversations. Whenever I started one, he would reply with one word answers or sounds like, "cool" or "hmm". We didn't talk much after that, even when we started hanging out with the same group.

            We had just gotten off the bus, one by one, when Mr. Hendricks said, "Get your bags from underneath the bus, and start walking over there," he points to a clearing not too far away "and start unpacking your tents. Make sure there's enough room for everybody."

            Maisie had brought a tent big enough for her, me, Vanessa and Cecilia to sleep in. Penny didn't want to come; she was afraid of getting dirt on herself. A little ridiculous if you ask me. No one had begged Penny to come. She was hard to convince. Besides, no one wanted to listen to her constant whining and bickering.

            "Help me carry the tent, Lux." Maisie said to me as she tried to get the humongous bag out of the bus. We struggled getting it to the clearing, and had to stop several times. Carter laughed at us on the way, as he was carrying the tent he and Derek were going to share all by himself. Boys and girls are separated into different parts of the camp site, so we wouldn't see the boys until our activity later on that day.

            "I heard Tracie Mather isn't allowed to share a tent with anybody. The teachers just found out she is a lesbian, can you believe it?." Cecilia said and laughed after Tracie walked past us.

            Tracie Mathers was short, but strong. She was an artist but you could tell she worked out. Before she came out as a lesbian, all the boys went after her. I even heard that Carter, before Maisie came along, had a crush on her as well. She definitely was the prettiest girl at school, until, well, Maisie came along. Tracie has light skin and used to have the longest brown hair, but she cut it short- like boy short- after she came out. Everyone thought that she was transgender for the longest time.

            I saw that Maisie frowned. "That's nothing to laugh at."

            Cecilia rolled her eyes but didn't say anything more.

           

An hour and a half later, we finally had the tent set up. We spent around 50 minutes trying to figure out exactly how to set it up. Maisie had gone camping many times before with her family, but her dad and mom always did the setting up while she watched her six younger siblings. I went camping with them once, and it was not fun. Her siblings were well behaved for the most part, yet still managed to annoy the crap out of me and Maisie both. Makes me wonder how she did it alone when I wasn't there with her.

            Thirty minutes later we got to see the boys. There was no activity; we would do that it the morning. It was so late already and the chaperones had to get us dinner. It ended up being sloppy Joes, which my mom frequently made for dinner when she didn't feel like making a nice meal.

            Our group of friends sat away from the campfire, and all of us were eating silently until Derek said, "This s**t is nasty."

            For once, I couldn't agree more with him.

 

#3: Sleep under the stars

 

            The second day of the camping trip was coming to an end. At that point I wished I had stayed home; I really wanted a hot, nice shower. The water was nothing but cold in the showers they had at the camp site, not to mention a beetle crawled on my toothbrush.

            I had just fallen asleep in the tent when someone started shaking me.

            "Pssst. Lux, get up. Let's get out of here."

            Looking up half asleep, I see Maisie staring at me. "What?" I mumble in an almost-irritated voice.

            "We're going in the woods. To sleep under the stars. Com'on, get up," she shakes me again, but stops after one shake. "And bring your sleeping bad too."

            "Okay, okay. Won't we get in trouble though?" I asked.

            Maisie rolls her eyes. "What're they going to do? Send a bus all the way from home to pick us up?"

            "Fine." I get up, and yawn.

            We get to our destination, and its freezing. But I didn't want to sleep in the tent all by myself. I wondered if Tracie is getting any sleep. Probably not. I'd be too scared to.

            All huddled up, Cecilia won't shut up. She never does.

            The last thing she said was directed towards Maisie. "Hey Maisie? Do you love Carter? Like, I know you've said it to him and all. But do you really?"

            Maisie didn't answer, and I turned my head to her. She was sleeping. Or, more accurately, pretending to sleep. I know her well enough to know when she is. And she definitely was.

            I just didn't know why.

 

#4: Befriend Tracie Mathers

 

            On the fourth day of the camping trip, the chaperones call us over to the campfire. We were going to build shelters this time. We could choose one partner only. I looked over towards Maisie, but I saw she was already talking to someone. Tracie.

            Why Tracie and not me?

            "Hey Lux," someone said behind me.

            I turned around. Carter. Of course I'd be stuck with him. Not that I didn't like him. We just didn't talk very often except when Maisie was around

            "So Derek wanted to be paired with some girl, and Cecilia wanted to be with Vanessa, so I guess you're stuck with me." He shrugged, but smiled crookedly.

            "Yeah, guess so." I looked over at Maisie one more time, and they're already getting to work, talking and laughing. I couldn't help but be a little jealous. Maisie, after all, never left me out before.

 

Dinner time came and went, and we didn't see Maisie at all. The group was all sitting by the fire when she came up to us with Tracie by her side.

            I wanted to frown. "Hey. Where'd you guys go?" I asked.

            Maisie looked at Tracie and then to me. "We were eating dinner by the campfire just catching up, then went for a walk. Didn't you see us?"

            We all shook our heads.

            "Com'on and sit by me babe," Carter patted the ground by him. Maisie smiled at Tracie quickly, and then sat down next to Carter, who instantly put his arm around her.

            Tracie stood there awkwardly for a minute, all of us silent. I stared at Tracie, still a little jealous that Maisie picked her over me. Tracie caught me staring at her and then said, "Well, I better go. Bye guys."

            Carter said bye back, but no one else did.

            Maisie just stared at Tracie as she walked away, expressionless.

           

           

           

           

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Chapter 6

 

(Present Day)

 

            Looking back, I don't know how I didn't see it. Maybe it's true; maybe Maisie was a lesbian. If she was, why didn't she feel that she could tell me?  I was always here. Always.

            Perhaps she thought I would've had a problem with it.

            I guess I'll never find out, seeing as she isn't here to give the answer.

            It's the first day of October already and Carter and I haven't spoken since the party. After I asked him that last question, I got up and left, and he didn't call after me as I did so. That Monday we had gotten new partners in Chemistry. This time I was paired up with Brandy, who's smart, but never shuts up. She's constantly talking about her college boyfriend when given the chance.

            Everyday at lunch, I sit by myself. I've been to Maisie's house a couple more times to get books that were once hers. I get why she loved them so much, it's  nice to escape and get out of the real world for awhile. The books even smelled like her. First one I picked was Pride and Prejudice by Jane Austen, and it smelled like Maisie's vanilla perfume that she always used to wear. My messy room was starting to have piles of books everywhere; though most of them I haven't read yet. If my mom came into my room and saw, she would flip. Not about the books, but about how messy my room was.

            Homecoming is only two weeks away. I won't be going. After all, who would I go with? Last year- and the two years before- Maisie had made me go. We'd both get ready together at my house, then Cecilia, Penny and Vanessa would come over for pictures. They used to hang up in my room above by bed, but I took them down a week after Maisie's death.

            Today is a Friday and I'm reading A Tale of Two Cities during lunch. I don't anywhere near my old group anymore; I've learned not to. Cecilia would give me these looks every once in awhile when they passed me to go their table. Now, I just sit on a bench outside one of the classroom doors, nowhere near the quad.

            Just then, I feel my phone vibrate.

Carter: Hey.

            What does he want now? I reply,

Hi.

            My phone vibrates again.

Carter: I was wondering, would you like to come to the football game tonight? You know, to watch me play? And then we could go somewhere afterwards? Just you and me.

            He wasn't asking me on a date was he? What I reply next surprises me, and I'm sure it's going to surprise him too.

Me: Sure. Why not? I've got nothing else to do.

            His reply comes quick.

Carter: That's good I suppose lol. See you tonight?

            I reply back with a fast "yeah" then put my phone away.

            Why is he all of a sudden talking to me again? It's been around a month and a half since we last spoke. I'll make sure to ask him that tonight.

 

            Later that day at home, I figure out what I want to wear. Skirt? No, it'll be too cold outside, and I'll get a ton of mosquito bites. Leggings and a hoodie? No, your only pair of leggings have a hole in the butt. Finally, I settle on a light blue long-sleeved shirt and jeans.

            I put on make-up. There are no more bags under my eyes. I haven't had trouble sleeping lately, except for a few nights when I reread Maisie's list and go through our box of old pictures. There's a few from camping on the beach in 8th grade, last year's prom, Maisie's once a year sleepovers with just the group of us girls, and a lot more. It makes me depressed. Which is why I should stop looking. I apply foundation, powder, and just a little bit of waterproof mascara. I had taken a nap earlier when I got home, so I brushed my hair, and then I was already to go.

            Making my way to the front door, I run into my mom.

            She looks me up and down. "What are you all dressed up for?"

            "I was invited to go to the football game at school and hang out with friends afterwards."

            "Don't stay out too late," is all she says, then walks back towards the kitchen.

            I could tell she wasn't in the best mood. Dad wasn't home, he left awhile ago. They had been fighting earlier today. It's been this way the past year, the fighting and the yelling. You could hear their voices all the way from my room, and my room was on a completely different floor level. The cops were even called once by our neighbors next door. Not Maisie's family, they already knew about my parents fighting. My mom and Mrs. Woodley talked about it all the time. I've never heard my parents ever mention getting a divorce though; it would kill my sister, and I'm pretty sure they knew that. That may even be the only reason why they're still together.

            Walking out the door, I think maybe this isn't such a good idea. On the other hand, maybe I can get Carter to tell me if he and Maisie really did break up. I stand there for a moment, debating whether I should stand him up or not. I mean it's like it's a date, right?

            Instead of staying home, I close the front door and head towards the school. I didn't want to be rude, after saying yes to him already. I'm just not that kind of person to stand people up.

            When I arrived, they were thirty minutes into the game already.

            "Oh hey look, its Lux!" I could recognize that whiney voice anywhere. Penny.

            I just stand there as Cecilia and Penny run up to me, Vanessa not too far behind.

            "Carter said you'd be coming." Cecilia smiled and tilted her head.

            Of course he did, I thought. At that moment I didn't care if it was rude to stand Carter up. I wanted to leave. Nothings worse than being stuck with Cecilia and Penny. Especially without Maisie around. Vanessa, however, wasn't as annoying. In fact, she wasn't annoying at all. She was quiet actually. Kind of makes me wonder how she got into a group with these girls anyways. She was pretty, prettier than Cecilia definitely, with her black Asian hair and brown oval eyes. She was half Korean from her dads side, but she looked more like her mother, besides the hair. Cecilia has dirty blonde hair and gray eyes that remind me of a cats. Penny, however, looked the same as Cecilia since they were, well, cousins. If they weren't cousins, I'd doubt that Penny would be in the in-crowd at all.

            "He did, did he?" was all I said, and I forced a smile.

            Penny nodded as Cecilia said, "I don't know why you bothered to come, it's not like you'll get to see him afterwards."

            So he didn't tell them that part. Hmmm. I stand there and say nothing, just staring at her.

            Cecilia frowns. "Aren't I right? You aren't gonna see him afterwards, are you?"

            Again, I don't answer, I just shrug.

            In response, Cecilia storms off, Penny trailing after her.

            I laugh, shaking my head.

            "Wow," Vanessa says, and I notice her still standing there. "She really is hung up on him, isn't she?"

            "No kidding." I say in response.

            Vanessa smiles. "Well, I should probably go after them. See you later?"

            After I nod, Vanessa heads towards Cecilia and Penny.

            No kidding, I repeat in my head.

 

            I wait at the gate for Carter to come, where I knew he'd probably exit. My phone vibrates.

Carter: Just finished changing. I'll meet you at the gate in a sec.

            It's not a second. It's not even a few minutes; it's ten. I almost felt like just going home until he finally appeared, his hair still a mess and sweaty, but he looked to be in a different pair of clothes than he was in this morning.

            "Hey," he grinned. "I was starting to think you were gonna bail on me."

            "I was." I say, trying to keep my face expressionless.

            He laughed, which made me smile softly. "Well, I'm glad you didn't, my friend."

            I let out a sigh of a relief. My friend. So this wasn't a date. Thanks the heavens.

            We walk in silence as he leads me to a diner not too far away from our school. There were a lot of memories that took place here. Maisie's sixteenth birthday, for one. All of us- the group- had surprised her with a humungous cookie cake because we all knew she didn't like actual cake. I'm the one who lured her to the diner, and when we all yelled "Surprise!" she accidentally smacked me in the face with her heavy purse. It broke my nose.

            When we arrive to the diner, Carter hold the door open for me, and I make my way to our usual booth, Carter walking slowly behind me.

            We both sit down.

            "So, Maisie, I wanted to-"

            Before he could finish, my eyes widen, and I get up.

            "I have to get home, it's getting late." I say, and he frowns.

            "What do you mean? We just got here-"

            Again, I don't let him finish. "You called me Maisie."

            He looks taken aback, but then runs a hand through his hair, thinking, as if trying to remember if he actually did or not. "No I didn't." He says finally.

            I roll my eyes. "Yes, you did."

            Carter closes his eyes for a second, then opens them back up. "Okay. If you're going to go home, can I at least walk you there?"

            Nodding, I say, "Sure."

            We walk in silence again, and I feel bad for Carter. Perhaps I was wrong. Maybe he isn't over Maisie. She was, after all, his girlfriend of three years. I still wanted to ask him why he wanted to hang out, but I feel like that'd be a bad question to ask now.

            After 12 minutes of pure silence, we're finally in front of my house.

            I turn to him.

            "I'm sorry," he says immediately.

            Shaking my head, I respond, "Don't worry about it." Then, on impulse, I hug him.

            We stand there for a minute in each others arms, and I honestly didn't want it to end. I'm the one who pulls away. For a second, our faces are so close, I almost thought he was going to kiss me. I turn my head before he could, and walk to my front door.

            He probably wasn't going to kiss me. I couldn't take any chances, though.

            Halfway to the front door, Carter yells, "Hey Lux!"

            I turn my head to face him. "Yeah?"

            "Will you go to homecoming with me?" he pauses "You know, just as friends?"

            I bite my lip back before I could smile.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Chapter 7

 

February 14th, Junior Year

#5: Go to a party

 

            Valentine's Day: my most favorite holiday of the year. Not.

            Carter was having a party instead of going out with Maisie. When I first heard, I thought it was odd, and a little rude. Then I learned that this party, in fact, was Maisie's idea. Which shocked me even more. Not only was Maisie planning on going, but she was planning on dragging me along with her.

            "What? No way. I'm not going." I had said when she told me.

            I had stayed away from high school parties for certain reasons. Drugs, alcohol, horny boys. Ugh. That third one. I wasn't ready to lose my virginity yet, especially not to some random guy at one of Carter's parties.

            Maisie rolled her eyes at me. "Do I seriously have to beg you? Cause I'm not doing that. You're going. I need you there."

            "Why?" I asked.

            "I just do," was all she said, but it was a good enough answer for me.

            "Okay, fine. I'll go. Under one condition though. We stay together."

            She grinned. "Deal." Then we shook hands.

Later that night, I heard a honk outside my house.

            I looked outside my window. It was Maisie in that crap car of hers. Her parents got it fixed, but it still wasn't working well.

            All dressed up already, I ran outside, but first tell my parents that I'm leaving.

            I got outside and it was freezing. I was wearing a sweater and jeans, and when I opened the passenger side to Maisie's car, I saw that she was too.

            She gave me a big smile as I sat down. "Don't worry, this is gonna be fun."

            Ten minutes later, we were in front of Carter's house.

. From behind, Derek almost looks like Carter. The black hair, the fair skin. The only difference is that Derek is a lot shorter than Carter. Not to mention that Carter is way more attractive.

            When they both see us, they say hi and we head inside. I could see a ton of couples were making out in the living as we passed it, and I wasn't surprsied, seeing as how it was Valentines Day.

            Carter and Derek both grab a beer and drink up when the door opens again.

            Tracie Mathers stood there with the door wide open, looking around as if she was looking for somebody. I turned my head facing Carter and Derek again, who were both looking at Tracie, confused.

            "Who invited her?" Carter asked.

            Maisie looked at him. "I did" she said.

            Carter was always nice to Tracie. He was nice to everyone, to be more accurate. Though Carter never invited her to his parties. When he used to, Tracie never showed up. So he just stopped. Everyone knew that. Including Maisie.

            The boys exchanged looks as Maisie waved over for Tracie to come over.

 

#6: Smoke a cigarette

 

            When Tracie walked over to us, she handed Maisie a pack of Marlboro cigarettes. Since Tracie was eighteen already, she could buy them. My eyes widened when I saw them. "What the hell Maisie," I said. "You're not gonna smoke those, are you?"

            Maisie laughed. "Just one, Lux. Just to try it out."

            Carter frowned. "Maisie, even Derek and I don't smoke cigarettes."

            As he said that, Maisie handed Tracie a cigarette and then pulled one out for herself. Tracie pulls out a lighter from her flannel shirt pocket, and lights the cigarette up, and then lights up Maisie's. I watched them as they took a drag, baffled.

            "You can't be serious." I said, trying to hold my breath.

            Maisie rolls her eyes. "Here, try it." She hands her lit cigarette to me.

            Hesitating I take it. Just one drag, I told myself. And once I did, I handed it back to Maisie.

            I started coughing like crazy.

            "You smoked it wrong." Tracie said, and I looked up at her as she took another drag.

            I frowned at her. I know, I thought.

            At that moment, I just thought I might punch her in the face. But I couldn't. Not with Maisie there. She was Maisie's friend now, right?

           

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Chapter 8

 

(present day)

 

            I had said yes. I'd be going with Carter to homecoming tonight, then later on we'd be going to Derek's after party.

            My mom and Alana had gone dress shopping with me the weekend Carter asked me. I was lucky when I found some dresses I liked; you'd think the stores would be all picked over, since homecoming wasn't too far away. My sister already had a dress, she was going with Jay, a sophomore on the junior varsity football team. Both of my parents were surprised that Carter asked me, and so was Alana.

            "He must like you if he wants to go to homecoming with you," Alana said when we were out shopping for my homecoming dress.

            Carter and I have been texting back and forth all week, talking about everything. Except for what I wanted to talk about most: Maisie.

            At that moment, I was trying on a short black dress (the dance was black and white themed) and unlike all the others, it was a perfect fit. "For a the millionth time, Alana, we're just going as friends."

            In the mirror, I saw her rolling her eyes.

            Ignoring it, I told mom, "I think this is the one."

           

At 8:00 p.m., there was a knock on the door. I knew it was probably Carter.

            Someone knocks on my door. "Hey honey, are you ready to take pictures?" Mom asks.

            "Just as second!" I yell.

            I look in the mirror one last time. My hair is curled, and I have eyeliner and red lipstick on. With makeup, I always look like a totally different person. Sometimes I liked it, but most of the times, I didn't. With it on, I didn't feel right. It felt like I was wearing a mask.

            Sighing, I walk out of my room slowly. My mom is standing outside my door, and when she sees me, she smiles, but doesn't say anything.

            She leads me to living room, where Carter and dad are sitting in silence. When Carter sees me, he stands up and runs his right hand through his hair, and I see he also has a corsage in his left hand. He puts it on for me, then my parents take our pictures.

            "Have fun you guys." My dad says as we are going out the front door.

            We reach Carter's car and he opens the door for me. I climb in and wait for him to get inside himself before I put on my seatbelt. As soon as he's inside the car, I could feel his eyes on me.

            Blushing, I look up at him. He's staring right at me. "What?" I ask.

            He grins. "You're beautiful, is all."

            I could feel my face turn completely red as I mumble, "Thanks."

            It only takes a minute to get to school. Carter brought the car so we could go to Derek's party later. Besides, I wouldn't want to walk in these black heels anyways. I take a deep breath as we give our tickets to the chaperones in front of the gym. Maybe it wasn't such a good idea that I came. I should've said no. Too late now.

            When we're inside, Carter asks over the music, "Do you want a drink?"

            I nod.

            "Okay, I'll be right back. Stay here."

            And I do. I stand there, watching everyone dance, thinking that if Maisie was still alive, I'd be in that crowd. Carter would be here with Maisie, not me. Then I realize, no, they wouldn't be here together. I remember Maisie's list and think of number 9, break up with Carter. All I know is that if Maisie were still alive, Carter wouldn't be here with me. He'd be with someone else, or with no one at all. Friends don't go to dances with their friends exes. It just creates drama. I'm sure he knew that.

            Those thoughts disappear when I see Cecilia, Penny, and Vanessa staring at me not too far away from me. I stare back, and then Cecilia whispers something in Penny's ear. Penny laughs. Vanessa just stands there, looks at me for just a second longer, then looks away.

            What're you doing with them? I think.

            Carter comes back a second later with my drink, and he notices them looking. He frowns. I take the drink from him, and take a sip, and then look down at my feet.

            "Ignore them." he says to me.

            The loud music changes to a slow song.

            Oh no. Maybe since I'm drinking this soda, he'll leave it alone and not ask me. I've never slow danced before. Not once. I didn't want to embarrass myself, especially not in front of Cecilia and Penny.

            He leans down and says into my ear, "Want to dance?"

            S**t.

            I say yes, but only because it'd be rude not to. Carter doesn't take a no for answer, I knew that the day I met him. He'd probably keep asking me until the song was finally over, and then when the next one came on, the cycle would repeat.

            Taking my drink from me, he sets it down on the table right next to where were standing. Then, he grabs my hand. His hands were warm, but not sweaty. Mine, on the other hand, were most likely as cold as ice. I'm glad he said nothing about it.

            Carter leads me to the dance floor, and then grabs my waist. Awkwardly, I put my hands on his shoulders. I wanted to make sure we were a distance away, but he pulled me closer and eventually, my arms were around his neck, and my head on his shoulder.

            Not too far away, I see Cecilia dancing with Derek, his hands on her butt instead of her waist, and she's staring at us with her gray cat eyes.

            If I were to say so myself, I think I wasn't doing too bad. I haven't stepped on Carter's foot once, which I expected to do a billion times. The song seemed to go on forever, and I was starting to think it would never end. But just then, it did.

            Carter pulls away slightly, and then asks me, "Do you want to get out of here?"

            I couldn't have been more relieved. I needed some air.

            "That'd be great." I say, and we walk into the hallway of the school.

            Once we were in, he says, "I'm surprised it was open. We aren't even allowed back here."

            No one is allowed to be in the hallways during homecoming, or any other dances for that matter. But I didn't care. I was just happy I was away from Cecilia and everyone else. I sit down on the floor against the lockers, and Carter joins me.

            "I'm glad you came." He says, and he scoots so close to me that our shoulders are touching. I don't move away.

            I say nothing, I just put my head on his shoulder.

            We sit in silence for a minute, until I break it. "I'm sure Cecilia would've liked to go to homecoming with you."

            I feel him frown. "Cecilia?"

            My heart skips a beat. "What? You mean you don't know? She has a total thing for you. Wow, you really are clueless, Carter. Just like Maisie used to say."

            When I mention Maisie, he tenses up, but only for a second. "So are you," he says.

            Confused. I look up at him, and that when he grabs my chin and kisses me.

            Desire filling up inside of me, I kiss him back and put my hand on the back of his head, and pull him closer to me. Then, realizing what's happening, I pull back for a second.

            "What is it?" he asks.

            "This is my first kiss," I reply.

            He grins. "You're a natural," and with that said, he kisses me once more.

            We both pull away at the same time. He's still smiling. I couldn't help but smile back softly.

            Then his face turns serious and I see him swallow. "Lux, you've always been the one. I wish I had figured that out before Maisie and I started dating."

            What did he just say? I frown at him, and begin to say, "Carter.. what are you-"

            Just then, a light shines in my face. "What do you two think you're doing back here?" and as I look up with my hands over my eyes, I see my Mrs. Reynolds, my Civics teacher, shining a flashlight on us with an angry look on her face.

            "The door was open," Carter says.

            "Doesn't matter, you two know the rules. Now get back out there before I write you two up with detention." Mrs. Reynolds watches us as we stand up and head out of the door.

            Back in the gym, Carter looks at me and laughs, "We got lucky. You're one of Mrs. Reynolds favorite students. We all know that."

            "Yeah," is all I say.

 

We didn't stay much longer before we headed over to Derek's party.

            Carter grabs my hand as we walk up to the house, and everyone who I recognize from school that's outside of the house stares at us. When we get inside, it's no different.

            "Ahh, look. It's Daniels! What took you so long man?" It was Derek. He was out of the suit I saw him in earlier and now was in nothing but boxers and a t-shirt, with a beer in his hand. He looked ridiculous, and a little bit like an alcoholic. Then he looks at me and whistles. "Damn Quinn."

            At that, Carter squeezes my hand.

            I look at Carter and then back to Derek. "Why do you always call people by their last names, Derek? You sounds exactly like the cliché jock." When I say that, it makes Carter laugh.

            Derek scowls. "Yeah, whatever." Then he walks away.

            "Do you mind if I go talk to a few friends for a little while?" Carter asks, turning to face me.

            I shake my head, then he kisses my cheek, and goes off to talk to a group of guys, who I'm assuming are other football players.

            I'm still pretty confused about what he said earlier:

            Lux, you've always been the one. I wish I had figured that out before Maisie and I started dating.

            What was it supposed to mean?

            Perhaps it meant nothing. Perhaps I'm just being paranoid.

            Knowing Carter was going to be there talking with the guys for awhile, I head towards the Derek's kitchen. When I reach it, no one is in there.

            Yes, finally, I thought. Solitude at last.

            Then, I see packs of beers at the table. I grab one, and pop the cap off. I start to drink.

            Blech. My throat felt like it was on fire.

            I take another sip.

 

After five or six beers, I stop counting how much I've drank.

            I feel queasy and light-headed.

            I've never been drunk before. There's a first time for everything, I suppose. I wonder if Carter's been looking for me or not.

            Just then, the door to the kitchen opens. At first, I think it's Carter. Then they come closer, and I realize its Derek. I laugh.

            "What're you laughing at?" he looks at me closer. "Wait, Lux. Are you- are you drunk?"

            Still laughing, I watched him as he stood there for a second. Then, he pulls down his boxers, and I stop laughing. "What're you doing?" I ask, but it comes out as a slur.

            He doesn't say anything, instead, he reaches up my dress, and tries grabbing at my panites.

            I stop him and say, "No."

            "Yes." he says.

            I try to fight him off, but he pinned me down. He's stronger than I am. At that moment, I feel helpless. Again, I try to fight him off and try to kick him in the balls. But my legs couldn't move either.

            "If you tell anyone, you're gonna be in some deep s**t."

            Before he could do anything, the door opens. I couldn't see who it was from here.

            "Lux!" a voice yells, and even when though I'm drunk, I recognize it as Carters.

            Derek jumps off of me, pulls up his boxers, then puts his hands up, "I swear man, I wasn't going to do anything."

            "That didn't look like you weren't gonna do anything!" Carter yells at Derek.

            I watch as Carter punches Derek in the face, and Derek tries to punch back, but he fails.

            Carter runs over to me, and asks, "Lux? Are you okay?"

            Before my drunk self could answer, Derek tries to grab Carter, but instead, it ended with Carter kicking him right in the balls.

            "S**t, s**t, s**t!" Derek falls to the ground, and just lays there.

            Carter then picks me up and puts me over his shoulder, as if I were as light as a feather. I don't see it, but I know that when he walks past Derek, Carter spits on him and says, "You're sick."

            Then we leave.

Carter pulls up to my house, and for a minute, he just sits there with me in the car.

            "Why'd you get so drunk, Lux? I don't understand."

            I laugh and mumble, "The list."

            "The list? What list?"

            I don't answer him.    

            He sighs and get out of the car, then opens the door on my side and helps me out.

            When we get to the door, he knocks.

            My mom and dad are both at the door, in robes.

            "What's going on?" my dad asks.

            "She got a little drunk at the party. I'm really sorry. I let her out of my sight." Carter says.

            My dad makes a "mmhhmm" sound and scowls at Carter. My mom brings me inside, away from him.

            "Don't look at him that way daddy," I say. "He's a hero." I laugh.

            Then, dad slams the door into Carter's face.

           

 

 

 

Chapter 9

 

April 4th, Junior year

#7: Drink alcohol

           

            The day before Easter, we made plans to spend the day at the river, just our group. Carter and Derek were bringing the alcohol for everyone except me and Maisie. At least that had been what I thought. Since the one time Maisie smoked that cigarette, she hadn't smoked anymore. Not in my knowledge anyways. Maisie had invited Tracie to hang out with us at various ocassions, but Tracie declined each time. Maisie blamed us for not being very welcoming.

            I didn't like Tracie. Not because she was a lesbian, but because it seemed like she was stealing my best friend away from me. Maisie and I had hardly hung out the past few months, and I even asked her why that was. She responded everytime with a "What are you talking about? We hang out all the time."

            "Hey Maisie!" Carter shouted as he put down the cooler filled with beers and sodas. We were already at the river, and went to a spot where no one was near and it was hidden by trees.

            "What?" Maisie asked, then came over to him.

            Carter pulled her close, and tried to kiss her, but she turned her head and the kiss landed on her cheek. Then she pulled away. "Not now," she said, and went off back to water, where she and the girls of the group started to swim. I stayed away from the river, mainly because, well, I didn't know how to swim.

            Catching me staring at him while Maisie rejected him, he stared back, then walked up to me.

            "Why does she keep acting that way?" he asked me.

            I shrugged, and looked down at my feet. "I dont know what you mean."

            Sighing, Carter said, "We've hardly had sex at all this school year. You think she's cheating on me with another guy?"

            "What? Maisie? Cheating? I dont think so. And by the way, I dont need to hear about you and Maisie's sex life." I replied.

            Carter looked over at Maisie while he said, "Whatever."

           

When it got dark, we were all sitting by the fire Carter and Derek made. Maisie wasn't sitting near Carter, but by me and Cecilia instead. I noticed Carter kept looking at her, and you could tell her was pissed. It made me wonder. Why was Maisie avoiding him?

            "Anyone want a beer?" Carter asked around, after looking at Maisie one last time.

            Then Maisie surprised eveyone. "I do." She said.

            Everyone looked at her with wide eyes, including me, but she didn't seem to care.

            Squinting at her, Carter asked, "Are you sure?"

            "If you don't get me one, I'll just go get it myself. Actually, bring me two." Then Maisie looked at me and winked, as if hinting something, but I didnt know what.

            Carter left the fire and then came back a few minutes later with four beers, one for him, one for Derek, and two for Maisie. Handing the beers to her, Maisie didn't look him in the eye or smile at him at least. Which I had found odd.

            Before she opened her beer, she offered one to me. I shook my head. "Don't worry," she said. "Just try it. I mean, just one sip. There no wrong way to drink it." Then she laughed, because she was reffering to the time I took a drag of the cigarette.

            Rolling my eyes, I took the beer, and opened it.

            Just one sip, I told myself.

 

#8: Skinny dip in river

 

One beer later, I got used to the taste. So I grabbed one more.

            Maisie had two by the time I was done with one. She was now on her third.

            The music from Cecilia's phone got turned up louder, and we all sat in silence and listened to it. Carter was still staring at Maise, but she didn't seem to notice. If she did, she didn't seem to care.

            Once Maisie was done with her third beer, she got up, went away from the fire, and started undressing.

            Derek watched her in amazement, and Carter asked, "What are you doing?"

            "Going for a swim." she said plainly, as she walked to the river butt naked.

            Then, everyone else started doing the same. All except for me.

            "Lux!" Maisie shouted. "Com'on, it's not that bad! You can even stand in the river!"

            They all knew I couldn't swim. I also had a fear of the water, which I was embarssed to talk about, and Maisie was the only one who knew about it.

            I got up, head towards the dark where no one can see me undress, and then towards the water. Someone whistled. Probably Derek.

            Already in the water, I went in far enough to where my breats are covered. It was freezing, but it was not as bad as I thought it would be.

            "Go Lux!" Maisie and few others yell.

            Blushing, I watched them as they swam. I saw Carter try to pull Maisie close again, but she pushed him away, this time with force.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Chapter 10

 

(present day)

 

            Mom and dad grounded me for a little over a month. I don't remember a lot of the party that night, it was all pretty much a blur. What I do remember is getting drunk off of more than seven or eight beers. I had called Carter the next day. He told me everything. It was a shock and he even asked what "the list" was. I told him I didn't know what he was talking about. I'm not ready to tell him about the list. Not yet. My parents initial reaction the next day- when I had a terrible hangover too- was that they were disappointed in me for letting that boy get me drunk. They thought he took advantage of me. I assured them he didn't. He, in fact, saved me from being taken advantage of. I got drunk because I was overwhelmed, I told my parents. It was completely true too. So, they let me talk to Carter still. Though I wouldn't be allowed to go anywhere till December 1st, which was today.

            Carter and I hang out at lunch now. The group fell apart after homecoming night. Everyone heard about my getting drunk and Derek nearly assaulting me. It was all over school. The girls were still together though, sitting in their normal spot. Cecilia gives me glares every once in awhile, and I always see her whisper something into Penny's ear whenever I pass by. I try to ignore it, but I can't help but wonder what she's saying to Penny.

            The camping trip started on Monday, and I'll be going. Carter convinced me. I'll probably be sleeping in my own tent, but I guess it doesn't matter. I've always hated sleeping in my own tent- I felt like someone could sneak in at any moment, which is why I liked to share one. Though Maisie was gone now, and I had no other friends besides Carter. Vanessa would occasionally talk to me in class, but not very often. Probably because Penny was there.

             Today- Saturday- I'm at the grocery store with my mom and sister. I haven't gone along with them in a long time, and Alana wanted me to go. So I did, just to make my sister happy. We've been talking more lately, and she even told me she was glad she got her sister back.

            Not a day passes where I don't think of Maisie though. Every time I see Carter, I think of her. What he said to me the night of homecoming, I don't understand. He had loved Maisie, didn't he? We haven't kissed since homecoming, and he hasn't tried, which was a relief. I needed to figure out why Maisie killed herself. I just don't know how I'm going to go about doing it.

            Just then, as we passed an aisle, I saw a glimpse of someone who looked familiar. I'm  pretty sure it was just a boy from school, but as I backed up, leaving my mom and sister for a moment, I realized it wasn't a boy from school.

            It was Tracie Mathers.

            This. This is how I'm going to get answers. From Tracie herself. Why hadn't I thought of it earlier? Though it's not as if she could contact Tracie, especially while she was away at school. Tracie didn't do social media, not after coming out as a lesbian. I suppose she did it because she didn't want to be harassed.

            I looked back at my mom and sister, they weren't paying attention to where I was going, they're probably assuming I'm still behind them. This will only take a second, after all.

            Heading towards the aisle Tracie is in, I think of what I'm going to say. Hey Tracie, I was wondering, did you and Maisie ever kiss? No, no, no. Hi Tracie, what happened between you and Maisie the night before she killed herself? Hell no. I couldn't just ask her straight away. Maybe I could arrange to meet her somewhere? Ah, yes. Perfect plan.

            "Tracie!" I say, and walk over to her.

            She turns, smiles, but it looked like she was taken by surprise. "Hey, Lux."

            Tracie knows something. I can tell by her face. She's keeping a secret. She has to be.

            "So, what are you doing here? In town, I mean?" I ask.

            "In town for the winter vacation, mine starts earlier than your guys'"

            I nod, then get straight to the point. "Can we meet up sometime tomorrow?" then I thought for a moment. "Like at the coffee place up the street from here?"

            Sighing, she says, "Yeah. That'd be nice."

            "3 p.m. sound good?"

            "Yeah. I'll see you then."

            I exchange goodbyes with her and find my mom and sister in the next aisle. They didn't even notice I was gone.

 

It's 7:00 p.m. when the doorbell rings. My mom tells me to get it, while her and dad are eating dinner in the living room.

            The doorbell rings again and I yell, "Coming!"

            When I open the door, I see Carter standing there, smiling. The kind of smile all the girls swoon over.

            "Hey." He says.

            "Hi." I say back.

            "So..." he starts. "You're not grounded anymore?"

            I smile softly. "Nope."

            "Want to walk with me outside for a bit then?"

            Before I go outside, I look back at my parents to see if they're watching us. They weren't. So I step outside, close the door and say, "Sure. Why not?"

            We walk in silence until we get past my driveway and are in front of Maisie's house.

            He stares at it for a bit, then looks back at me. "Do you think she'd be mad if I kissed you?"

            Confused at first, I ask, "What?"

            Then he grabs my face a pulls me closer, and kisses me.

            For a second, he pulls back. "Lux, will you be my girlfriend?"

            Breathing heavily, I mumble, "Yes."

 

 

Chapter 11

 

            Peering through the coffee shop's window, I see Tracie sitting in a chair.

            Am I prepared to hear the truth?

            It's been more than six months since Maisie's death, more than three months since I found the list. Did she break up with Carter? Did she kiss Tracie? Those are the only two things on the list that I wasn't there for. If she didn't break up with Carter, but she did kiss Tracie, I don't think I could forgive Maisie. Carter was always good to her. They were dating for nearly three years, after all. If he wasn't good to her, why would she keep dating him? Especially if she was so curious about her sexuality?

            Am I prepared to hear the truth?

            I am.

            Walking into the coffee shop, I see Tracie look up at me, but she doesn't smile. She doesn't even try to fake smile. Her eyes are puffy, like she's been crying. I take a seat across from her and ask, "So? Do you know why I asked to meet up with you?"

            "I have my suspicions." Is all she says.

            The list is in my pocket. I pull it out, unfold it, and hand it to her.

            She carefully reads it, and her eyes widen as she does so. When she's done reading, she looks at me. "Where did you find this?"

            "Her room," I reply.

            Closing her eyes, she says, "I have a lot to tell you then, I guess."

            I cross my arms and put them on the table, and look at her. "Whatever you have to say, I can take. I just need to know the truth."

            She nods, opening her eyes again. Then she starts.

            "When Maisie started talking to me at the camp, I was surprised. We never talked much before, except in art class a few times. After the activity, she asked me if we could catch up and talk for awhile. I told her it wouldn't be a good idea- but she insisted. So, we went on a walk and she told me... things. Secrets of hers. Secrets she said even you, Lux, didn't know. She told me she thought she was a lesbian.

            I kept her secret, because I knew how it felt to be confused about your sexuality. Of course, she was popular, unlike me, so that would ruin her reputation as well. Especially living in a town like this. I told her that maybe she wasn't a lesbian. She told me she'll never know until she tries it out with a girl. That's when I brought her back to you guys. I didn't want her to do anything she'll regret, ya know, since she was dating Carter at the time. Before I brought her back to you guys, I gave her my phone number and told her if she ever needs to talk to someone, she could talk to me.

            And she did. She texted me on a daily basis. She even asked me if I could bring her some cigarettes to a party she was throwing at Carter's. I thought then that maybe she smoked on a regular basis, but when I came over to Carter's party with the cigarettes, that's when I knew she didn't. It's also when I realized you and Maisie weren't as close as you used to be before she started talking to me. I knew you resented me, so I backed off for awhile. Up until Derek's end of the year party. She had asked me to go, she said she needed me there. Maisie was always good at convincing me to do stuff.

            So I went. I was there for an hour until I saw Maisie, just around when I was about to give up and leave. She asked me if we could go talk somewhere, and I said of course. Then she lead me upstairs to a room. Nobody seemed to notice. Except later, I found out that somebody did.

            Maisie shut the door behind us and I was confused for a second. Then she told me she broke up with Carter. It's over, she said."

            I stop to think for a moment.

            Carter said he didn't break up with Maisie.

            So he lied to me?

            As if reading my mind, Tracie stops talking and looks at me. "Do you want me to go on?" she asks.

            I nod, knowing that the story was almost over. At least Maisie broke up with Carter before she kissed Tracie. I already knew that part was going to happen. It was obvious by what she already told me. Though I wanted to hear it from Tracie's mouth.

            Just then, Tracie started telling the story again from where she left off.

            "She kissed me right after she said it. And I kissed her back, knowing it'd be okay to, because Carter and her broke up. Sure, nobody had to know that Maisie was a lesbian yet. The door was locked, after all. Nobody would find out this happened until Maisie was ready.

            Though I was wrong. Maisie didn't lock the door. By the time me and Maisie were making out on the bed inside a room- I'm almost positive it was Derek's- someone opened the door. We stopped kissing, and Maisie looked at me with frightened eyes, then we both turned to see who it was.

            Carter. It was Carter.

            After he saw us, he called her a cheating b***h, left the room, and slammed the door shut.

            That's when Maisie started crying. She told me she lied to me. She hadn't broken up with him yet. Said she couldn't do it. Then she ran after him, leaving me alone in the room."

            That's when I knew the story was over. It didn't answer my question though.

            I still don't know what really brought Maisie to kill herself.

            When I heard it was Carter who caught them, that's when I started to cry. I was angry at him, beyond repair. Why didn't he tell me? How could he kiss me like that the other day, ask me out, and keep this huge secret from me?

            Tracie watched me as I cried.

            "I left after that, went home and fell asleep. The next morning I had three missed calls from Maisie. I tried returning them, but she never answered. Later that day I found out what she did. I feel guilty for leaving her at the party, but I didn't know where she was."

            Nodding, I get up. "Thanks Tracie."

            "I'm sorry, Lux." Tracie says.

            "It's okay." I reply.

            Then I leave.

 

            At 6:00 p.m., I'm in my room, shaking.

            I don't know what to think about this whole situation.

            I'm not going to that camping trip. I'm not. I can't face Carter. Not yet. Though I do need answers from him. I just need a few days. A few days to think, to figure out how I'm going to talk to him about it without crying or bursting into an angry fit.

            My phone starts to ring.         

            I check it.

            Carter.

            Debating whether or not to answer, I stare at it. Then I press decline.

 

            Carter called about ten more times after that throughout the night. I couldn't sleep. His phone calls stop after 12:00 a.m., he's probably giving up and going to sleep. Then my phone buzzes, and it's a text message from him.

Carter: Lux? Is everything okay?

            No, I thought. Nothing is okay.

Chapter 12

 

            Monday. Today I'll have to face Carter. I had asked to get out of the camping trip, but it was too late. Besides, my parents wanted me to go. Before I asked the teacher in charge of the camping trip if I can back out, I asked my parents. They said if it was okay with the teachers, I can, but I shouldn't back out of things like this. Then they asked why I wanted to back out, so I had to come up with an excuse. Carter and I got into a fight, we aren't talking anymore, I told them. They said that excuse was ridiculous, but I couldn't tell them the real reason why. Maisie's secret was mine to keep, even if I was a little pissed at her.

            I'm pissed at her because she kept that secret from me. I was her best friend. Or was I? She felt like she couldn't tell me. As if I'd actually tell someone her secret. Also, she cheated on Carter. I felt bad for him, but I was still angry that he lied to me. Not to mention that Maisie lied to Tracie, and basically used her as an experiment. Now I feel like I never really knew her at all. Maisie will forever be a mystery to me, and a mystery that will never be solved at that. She's gone now, and there's nothing I can do about it.

            Why'd she have to go and kill herself? It's selfish. To think I may never know why she really killed herself, is nerve-wracking. It doesn't matter what her reasoning was, it's still selfish. Though I still want to know why she did it. Maybe then I can live in peace, and maybe I'd stop thinking about her all the time.

            The list was in my jeans pocket, just in case I'll have to face Carter and can't avoid him.

            At the moment, I'm sitting on the bench at the front of the school near the group of juniors and seniors that will be going to the camping trip. We are waiting for the bus. Carter isn't here yet, and I hope he comes at the last minute, so he'll have to go on the second bus.

            It was just wishful thinking though, because when I thought it, I saw him walking towards where I was.

            Keeping my head down, I feel tears wanting to come out, but I keep them in. It's even harder to do so when he's right next to me.

            "Lux," he says my name. God I love it when he says my name. "Why didn't you answer my calls last night?"

            I don't answer, I just keep my head down.

            For a minute, he just sits there next to me, not saying anything. I feel him staring. My heart is racing, too fast for my own good. I just want it to stop. He kept this secret from me, and I didn't know why. This wasn't the time or place to discuss it either, especially with a bunch of people from our grade around.

            "Is this your way of breaking up with me?" I hear him ask me softly.

            Closing my eyes, I don't answer.

            This wasn't a break up. At least not yet. Not until he tells me the truth himself.

            The bus came then, and I got up, but I didn't pay any attention to if Carter was following right behind me or not. When I got on the bus, I looked behind me to see if he was near. He wasn't. He was still outside, and I noticed he was probably waiting for the second bus. So I sat in the back of the bus in an empty seat next to the window.

            When I look out of it, I see Carter.

            He's staring up at me.

            For just a second, I stare back, then look away.

 

Two hours later, we arrived at the same camping site as last year.

            I get off the bus, and notice the second one isnt here yet.

            Thank god, I thought.

            Just after I set up my tent, they call us all to the campfire for dinner. I've never been good at setting up tents; that was always Maisie's thing.

            As soon as I get to the campfire, someone pulls me back near the woods.

            "What the hell-" I start, then I look over. Carter.

            He looks angry. "Do you wanna tell me what the hell is going on?"

            "Why don't you tell me?" I ask, then take the list out of my pocket. Hesitating for a second, I then hand it to him.

            Taking the list from me, I carefully watch him as he unfolds it and reads it. His face flushes. "What is this?" he asks after he's done.

            "The list." I say. "It's Maisie's."

            "What does this have to do with anything?"

             I roll my eyes. "Cut the s**t, Carter. Tracie told me everything."

            He looks pained. "Oh."

            "Oh? You don't have anything to say? You kept this huge secret from me Carter." I pause, and when he doesn't say anything, I keep going. "What happened after you found out Maisie cheated on you?"

            "I can't-" he starts, but I don't let him finish.

            "You can Carter, you just don't want to."

            "Fine. Alright. Maisie ran after me, and when I was going to drive off in my car, she managed to get inside. I may have said some things..."

            I frown. "What things?"

            "I told her I was going to tell everyone at school that she was a lesbian. I told her I was going to make sure her life was hell, and that'd she have no friends senior year." He's looking down as he says this.

            So this is why Maisie killed herself. Because of a threat.

            Tears are welling up in my eyes. I'm angry. Beyond angry. "You're wrong," I say. "She'd have me."

            After I say that, I try to leave before I say or do anything I'll regret later. Except Carter grabs my arm. Wrong move.

            He's so strong, I can get him to loosen his grip. Pulling me close, he says, "I'm sorry. I don't want to lose you. Not because of something like this, Lux. It was nothing. I wouldn't have done anything like that, I swear." Then he kisses me, forcefully, and I don't kiss him back. I'm too angry. He pulls away, looking hurt. "I love you, Lux."

            That's when I kick him in the balls.

            "If you didn't mean it, you shouldn't have said it," I spat, then walk away in the direction of my tent. I'm too angry to eat.

 

I spent most of the night crying and thinking about earlier.

            He's the reason. He's the reason why Maisie killed herself.

            I get it now, Maisie. But that doesn't make what you did to yourself okay. I would've been there for you. All you had to do was walk next door and knock on my window, like you always did when you were upset. Though you didn't. I'd like to know why. I'd like to speak with you one last time. But I can't. All because you killed yourself.

            Why couldn't Carter just tell me the truth? How could he talk to me without feeling guilty about what he did? Why do guys have to have such big ego's when it comes to girls? Maybe he wouldn't have actually told everyone Maisie was a lesbian. Who knows. He may just be saying that because now she's dead.

            I dont get why he likes me so much. Then I think about what he said earlier.

            I love you, Lux.

            How could he? What made him love me? Or did he just say that hoping it would make me happy and that I'd stay with him?

            So many unanswered questions that will most likely never be answered.

            I feel like I want to puke.

 

            The next day when we get called over for breakfast, I see Carter talking with Cecilia. He looks over at me then, and as soon as he does, I look away from them.

            Carter and I didn't speak a word to each other the rest of the camping trip.

            Before we get on the bus, I see Carter and Cecilia laughing. She kisses him on the cheek.

            Who cares? She could have him now. They were meant for each other anyways.

 

           

 

 

 

 

Chapter 13

 

            "I have not broken your heart - you have broken it; and in breaking it, you have broken mine."

            I repeat the quote from Wuthering Heights over and over in my brain as I lay on my bed. Carter didn't seem to be heartbroken. If he was at all, he seemed to recover quite quickly. Almost acting as if what happened, never happened. I avoided all eye contact with him the rest of the camping trip, but I did catch him looking at me a few times, as well as Cecilia. Those were unbearable, her cat eyes practically burned into my skin as she stared. Her devious smile just made it worse to handle.

            Though I'm definitely heartbroken. I feel like Carter took out my heart, dropped it, and it shattered it into a million tiny pieces. The secret he kept from me- it was huge. How could he keep something like that away from me? Big deal, Maisie was bicurious. She cheated on Carter, yeah, but how could he not tell me that? I even gave him a chance to tell me the truth at the beginning of the school year. Perhaps that's why he stopped talking to me for all those weeks. If he wanted to keep his secret, he should've stayed away from me. He shouldn't have made me have feelings for him. The feelings are still there, and they will be for awhile. They've always been there. Not that I'll ever admit it to him.

            Sometimes I wonder if he ever knew about my crush on him before Maisie came along.

            My phone starts to ring. It's a number I don't recognize.

            I pick it up and say, "Hello?"

            "Lux. Its Tracie."

            "Tracie? How'd you get my number?"

            She sighs on the other end of the phone. "That doesn't matter. Did you talk to Carter?"

            "Yes, I did." Then I tell her how it went. I tell her what Carter told me about what happened after Maisie chased him down. I tell her every detail. Even the part where he told me he loved me and the part where I kicked him in the balls. Everything.

            "Don't be so hard on Carter," Tracie responds. "He probably feels guilty enough already. His longtime girlfriend cheated on him... and with another girl. Maybe he would have spread the news that Maisie was a lesbian all around school. I don't really know. He was angry, we all do stupid stuff when we're angry. I doubt he wanted her to kill herself."

            I think about what Tracie said all night. Maybe I was too harsh. Kicking him in the balls may have been a little overboard. I was angry. We all do stupid stuff when we're angry...

            Carter didn't seem like he held any guilt though. If he did, he was good at hiding it. After we talked that night, he started flirting with Cecilia. I wonder if they'll get together now. Was I jealous? Of course I was. Though Carter and I had only dated for a day, I knew him well. I've always considered him to be one of my best friends, even when he and Maisie started dating. He was the only one nice to me before Maisie came along. I guess that's why he and Maisie were so perfect for each other. Though Maisie didn't love him... she couldn't love him. Not the way he loved her.

            I love him.

            I always did.

            The realization hit me like whiplash. It was too late now. How could things ever be the same with us?

            It's a little past midnight when I get another call. I groan and look to see who it was.

            Carter.

            Quickly answering it, I say, "I'm glad you called."

            There was sniffling at the other end, as if Carter had been crying. "I just... I can't do this anymore, Lux."

            "Can't do what?" I ask, confused.

            "Live. I can't live with this guilt."

            I frown. "Carter, it's okay. You didn't mean for Maisie to... you know."

            "It's too late."

            "Carter, what are you talking about?"

            Then Carter hangs up.

            Baffled and confsued, I call 911 and tell what's going on and where to go. What did he mean by "It's too late"? That didn't mean what I think its means... did it? No, no, it can't. Carter wouldn't. I lay in my bed pondering about this for about ten minutes, then get up and decide to go to his place myself. I don't bother to change, I just go in my pajamas.

            Taking my dad's keys without his permission, I drive over to Carter's.

            The ambulance and the police are already there. I leave my dad's car out in the middle of the street with the door wide open and run to the house.

            That's when I see Carter being pulled out of his own house.

            "Carter!" I scream, but he's unconscious so he can't hear me. At least I don't think he can. I hope he does. This can't happen again. Please. This can't happen again. How could he do this?

            I run to him crying, but a black policeman holds me back.

            "Lux, are you the one who called?" A familiar voice asks.

            I look up at the police man.

            It's Maisie's father.

            "Yes." Is all I say.

            "Well, I'm glad you did. If he hadn't of called you, he would've been dead for sure. We found three empty bottles of pills in his room next to him."

            That makes me cry even harder, and Mr. Woodley holds me close for a minute, then pulls back. "You should go home, Lux. I'm sure he'll end up being fine."

            I nod, and walk back to my dad's car, but not before looking back at Carter first. He's being put into the back of the ambulance.

 

            How can someone just be fine one minute, and then turn into a total wreck the next?

            I'm in my bedroom now, crying so loud I'm sure my parents hear but don't want to come down to check what's wrong with me. They're probably figuring it's about Maisie again. They're wrong this time.

            My door opens, and its Alana.

            "What's wrong?" she asks.

            I don't answer.

            "I know you took dad's car somewhere."

            Then she motions me to scoot over on my bed, and I do so.

            "You don't have to tell me what's wrong. It's fine." Then she plops down on my bed, and looks at me. "It has something to do with Carter, doesn't it?"

            I nod, but say nothing.

            Alana moves and turns off the lamp next to my bed.

            She stays there with me all night.

 

The next day, I wake up and Alana is gone.

            I check the clock in my room.

            11:58 a.m.

            Did I really sleep that long?

            I sigh, get up and walk to the living room. Everyone's sitting there, my mom and dad, even Alana.

            "What's going on?" I ask.

            "Sit down." My mom says.

            Doing as I was told, I sit down. Please don't tell me Carter is dead.

            "I got a call from Mr. Woodley. He wanted to let you know that Carter is fine." As soon as she says it, I let all the breath I was holding in out of relief. "He had to have charcoal put down his throat," that made me cringe. "but he's okay. He's going to be put in the closest mental hospital as soon as they have room."

            I think about this. Carter. In a mental hospital.

            Then I think, at least he's not dead.

            At least he's not dead.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Chapter 14

 

            Winter break goes by quickly. School starts back up today, and I'm nervous. Carter and I haven't spoken since that night when he overdosed. Then I wonder, is he even going to be at school? His aunt was protective of him. No way she'd go on another one of her business trips so soon after Carter's overdose and let him live alone let alone drive himself to school. I just don't see that happening.

            When I enter the hallways of the school, I head to my locker. Nobody stares anymore like they used to. Maisie's death is old news now. I doubt hardly anybody knew what had happened to Carter either.

            From locker I can see Cecilia and Penny. They're both looking at me. Cecilia whispers something into Penny's ear. I roll my eyes. Typical.

            "Hey." A female voice says behind me. I look over my shoulder. Vanessa.

            "Vanessa," I reply. "Hi."

            "Cecilia and I had a fight, do you mind if I sit with you at lunch today?"

            A fight? Vanessa and Cecilia never had fights. Not since the 6th grade, before Maisie came along. Guess who it was about? Carter. We all knew that if Maisie never came to this small Northern California town, Carter and Cecilia would probably be together. It was almost inevitable. Vanessa- though prettier than Cecilia- didn't stand a chance. Cecilia gets what she wants. Well, most of the times. She never did end up getting Carter, after all.

            "No. You totally can. No problem." I say.

            Vanessa smiles. "Okay, cool. See you then?"

            I nod, then slam my locker shut.

 

Lunch came quickly. Carter wasn't in any of my classes.

            "Did you hear about Carter?" Vanessa asks at lunch.

            We were sitting on a bench outside a classroom, away from where Cecilia and Penny hung out. Hmm. Maybe Carter's overdose did get around town.

            "Depends on what you mean by that." I respond, looking at her.

            "I heard about his overdose from my mom. I don't think anybody else knows. Carter's aunt and my mom are friends. I know he called you that night. Anyways, that's not what I'm talking about. I heard he home schools now."

            Homeschooling. Carter homeschooling. I figured that's probably what he was doing. Though now that I hear it, it sounds kinds of odd. Carter. Homeschooling.

            "No," I say. "I didn't hear."

            "Well, he is. I wish I knew why he did it," then she looks at me. "I know you know."

            I frown at her.

            "Don't worry," she laughs. "I'm not going to ask."

            Sighing in relief, I look at my phone. "Do you think Carter still has his phone?"

            Vanessa shook her head. "No, his aunt took it away. She's not giving it back for a few months."

            A few months. How am I supposed to wait that long to talk to him about what happened? There's so much I want to say to him, yet I know none of it is going to come out of my mouth. I just need to see him, say a few words. That's all.

            Then I get an idea.

 

After the first day of school, I find myself standing in front of the front door of Carter's house. On the way here I was debating whether or not to knock on the door.

            Maybe it wouldn't be such a good idea.

            I knock anyways.

            It takes minute before I hear someone walking towards the front door.

            Carter's aunt opens the door and looks surprised to see me. "Lux, hello."

            "Hi, I was wondering if I could talk to Carter?"

            His aunt seems to hesitate. "I don't know if that'd be such a good idea right now."

            "It'll just be for a minute." I add.

            She thinks about this for around thirty seconds before she says, "Okay, come on in."

            Opening the door wide, she lets me inside.

            "He's upstairs, in his room," she says, then closes the door behind me when I'm fully inside.

            I tell her thanks then head upstairs. The last time I was in his room was at that party near the beginning of when school started. Except I still remember where it is as if it were just yesterday.

            "Carter?" I ask when I knock on the door. "It's me, Lux."

            "Come in." A voice says.

            Doing so, my heart pounds fast. I let myself in. When I see him, he's sitting on his bed, guitar in hand. He lays in next to him on his bed when he sees me.

            "Hey," I say, then shut the door behind me.

            "Hey."

            He looks good. Though his hair was a mess and he was wearing nothing but boxers, he looked good for someone who had spent two weeks in a mental hospital. He motions for me to sit down in a chair next to his bed, and I do so.

            We sit there in silence for a minute.

            "I still love you." Carter says, breaking it.

            I love you too. "Carter..."

            He stops me.

            "I know what I did was stupid... but I love you. I really do."

            I close my eyes.

            "We can't be together," I start and open my eyes back up. "At least not for now. You need to get better. Things will never be the same, Carter. You know that right?"

            All he does is nod, looking down at his guitar next to him.

            Getting up, I walk over to him, bend over, and kiss him on the cheek. He doesn't look at me, but I can see him blushing.

            Then I leave, not saying goodbye.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Chapter 15

 

Dear Maisie,

 

            Suicide really does affect your loved ones.

            Our hearts are all damaged, Maisie.

            I'm finding it hard to forgive you.

            I'm finding it hard to forgive Carter.

            What I do know, is that everyone deserves forgiveness. You never really know what someone is going through.

            I also know that looks can deceive. Carter sure fooled me.

            It's going to take time, but I know he and I will be friends again.

            Things will never be the same. They'll be different as hell, in fact.

            I wonder how long it would've been for Carter to admit what happened if I hadn't of told him I spoke with Tracie.

            But I guess that doesn't really matter anymore, does it?

            I know the truth now, that's all that matters.

Love, Lux

 

When I'm done writing the letter, I make my way towards the living room over to the fire with the letter in hand, and I toss it in.

            I sit there and watch as it burns.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Reviews

[Shelby Everleigh]

it started out a bit slow but very interesting, by the time I got to the end I couldn't have imagined what I would have missed out on if I had stopped reading it in the beginning.
I loved Carter's character arc and how it unfolded from Lux's perspective, would have maybe liked to hear a bit more of it from his perspective telling her and explaining.
overall this is great.